Here's how to help loved ones who refuse to provide care

Do you know this? Their elderly relatives flatly refuse to accept outside help and care, even though they have long since become unable to care for themselves on their own. We’ll show you what you can do to convince your loved one of the benefits of home care or moving to a nursing home.

Your elderly mother repeatedly resists outpatient care services and insists that you perform all caregiving tasks with her. Her already frail father just won’t stop driving his car around town, even though he can only react very slowly. Your aunt denies the need for home care, even though all she does is walk around with unwashed hair and dirty clothes. And your grandmother has been refusing to move into an assisted living facility for months because it is full of old people.

Refusal difficult for all

You know these situations where loved ones refuse to provide care? Nothing is more difficult for a caregiver than dealing with an older person who refuses much-needed help. "This is one of the most common and difficult caregiving challenges that family members then face," says Dr. Donna Cohen, psychologist and author of The Loss of Self: A Family Resource for the Care of Alzheimer’s Disease and Related Disorders.

Before you push the loved one you’re caring for too hard to finally accept outside help, first try to understand their fear of aging, advises Dr. Cohen: "A lot of older people are very proud of their age. You think: I’ve been through good times and bad, and I’ve handled all of this on my own. In addition, they do not believe their children understand the physical and emotional impact of age-related setbacks."

Especially hard in the beginning

For an elderly relative in the early stages of cognitive impairment, this situation is especially difficult. "Your angry father or agitated mother is aware of the change in their brain, but no longer understands the big picture," says Dr. Cohen. Soothing words and kind gestures can help them cope with frightening loss of function.

But it’s also normal for family members to experience anger, helplessness, frustration and guilt while trying to help an intransigent older loved one. This is because the older loved one may well draw on similar coping mechanisms that they had used as adolescents during power struggles with their parents – z.B. becoming spiteful, running screaming from the room, or the like. Elderly relatives must first realize and understand that children or grandchildren now make decisions for them and that this i.d.R. Others are. Experts even advise consulting a psychologist in extreme cases to persuade a difficult parent.

We outline nine ways to help you overcome your recalcitrant loved one’s objections:

1. Start early

Ideally, you’ll have discussions with the entire family about possible future care options long before a health crisis – it’s incredibly relaxing. As early and deliberately as possible, look for opportunities to ask your older loved one questions along these lines, for example, Mom, where do you see yourself when you are older? Would you employ a home health aide or driver to help you stay in your home as long as possible?

2. Be patient

Ask open-ended questions if possible, and keep giving your loved ones time to think and respond. Or start conversations with an understanding "You can say, Dad, what’s it like to watch Mom 24 hours a day?." But also be aware: answers may be repetitive and off topic. It may well take a few conversations to find out why your mother, fired three household helpers in a row … namely simply because they failed to vacuum under the dining room table.

3. Drill deeper

Keep asking questions to find out why your elderly relative refuses help – then you can gradually find a customized solution. If it is a lack of privacy, fears about the cost of care, loss of independence or simply not wanting a stranger in the house? To build trust, keep listening very carefully and validate your dear relative instead of downplaying their feelings.

4. Prioritize problems

Create two lists, advises Dr. Cohen: one with your loved one’s issues and one for the steps you’ve already taken. This will help you realize more quickly what else you can try and where you might be able to get more help. "If you don’t categorize your efforts, care quickly becomes a huge burden," says Dr. Cohen. Writing down and numbering all the options and steps helps with prioritizing, which can alleviate stress.

5. Make suggestions

If possible, involve the senior loved one involved in choosing a caregiver from the beginning. Conduct interviews with potential everyday helpers together, take care of scheduling together Let the dear relative, for example, set the days of the week and also select times at which the household help and/or outpatient caregiver should come then. So your relative feels taken seriously and involved in the decision.

6. Emphasize the positive

If your relative has dementia, it is sometimes more effective to overwhelm him with less information. This way, you could simply communicate that the helper will be there primarily for the nice things – for example, going for walks, to concerts and museums, and other favorite activities. He or she can take over the preparation of meals and help where support is needed at the moment. You don’t have to explain every aspect of care that the daily aide will take over before the caregiver relationship even happens. This can be supportive to make the person to be served feel less harassed.

7. Involve outsiders

"Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to talk to an outsider than to a family member," adds Dr. Cohen. So don’t hesitate to ask a social worker, doctor, nurse, pastor or even an old poker buddy if your loved one needs assistance. External convince sometimes much faster!

8. Take it slow

Involve the new helper gradually, if possible. Start with short home visits or meet for coffee and just bring the everyday helper with you. Then take the helper to the doctor a few weeks later and leave the appointment early under any pretext. Then ask the new companion to take your relative home.

9. Accept limits

One last thing: As long as seniors aren’t putting themselves or others at risk, they should make their own decisions, advises Dr. Cohen.

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The article is good, but unrealistic. Theory is always easy, practice shows clearly different situations. Aggression despite good coaxing, rejection of all measures, helplessness of the caregivers, no solutions on the part of the doctor or psychologist or social services. This is the reality, paper is patient. LG

I can only agree with the previous speaker. cute and nice tips that do not help me right now.

Good evening, nothing can be forced, decisions can only be made when there is a danger to the sufferer and others. Most attempts to give help – go into nirvana – and you have to take your chances. Unfortunately – –

Everything could be so simple… but it is not. The reality looks really very different!The older generation would like to talk reluctantly about such things and from sowas also nothing hear, let alone the Pflegebedurftigkeit see. They think they can continue to lead the life they have led so far. They think very selfishly and not of their life partner, who looks for help in vain at the family doctor and becomes ill from the whole situation, stressed and nervously ruined himself. One turns only in the circle! In addition, home places are very rare and associated with long waiting times. Which way out can there be, if the family members have no more strength to help? How long is the suffering of family members supposed to last, if the person in need of care still has to go through z.Example. has an addiction problem and does not want to be helped. Above all, it is so difficult when the person in need of care is not demented, so he can still make mental decisions himself! It is a vicious circle, where at the end the life partner suffers very much and endangers his own health, he then goes to the ground by it!

Good tips, but far from life. I join M.Bechtel to. The gentlemen are stubborn and therefore there is nothing else to do than to let it come to that and not to let yourself be dragged into it too much. And keep in mind that there are responsible citizens, resp. are adults whose decision must be respected. Who does not want, had already and must live with the consequences. Otherwise, I am also a person who prefers to set the course in good time in order to prevent unpleasant things from happening. However, I cannot force this attitude on my parents.

For more than 3 years I have been trying to convince my mother to accept help. The opinion of the daughter does not count in this respect at all. We children know our parents still from a time in which mother / father were still really independent.It is like with addicts: as long as the own decay is not accepted, no help is needed.This situation is very hard to bear for caring relatives (and those who "struggle" with the authorities)!Where is our support?

Iris. join a self-help group for caring relatives. Ask the care support point about it.There is a lot of information available and those in need of care don’t let their families tell them anything anyway. A conversation with a family doctor or neurologist can have an effect there and the doctors in white coats still have a certain influence on this generation..All love. Monika

I also agree with the above comments.My parents both 80 mother and father demented, father in August stroke and in November new hip.After both of them got the care degree 2, they ticked off and banned me from their house, they don’t need any help and want to do everything on their own. After I take care of the two now over a year and I had a nervous breakdown, I have now completely broken off contact. And it hurts me insanely.

Oh God, when I read the comment reports of the affected people here, it scares the hell out of me. The father in law comes now in the years, mentally still well on it but the heart…times black before eyes and fallen down etc. We want to support him and have the granddaughter move in with him just in case. Since she goes to school nearby, this is a good idea. Whether he accepts it so, let’s see.

I can only confirm all the previous comments. You have no rights as a relative (especially of helpless but not yet bedridden relatives).There are only two options: Leave it helpless and walk away or keep going back and taking care of it. Either you get insulted or do not achieve what should be. Depends on the form of the day. Worse than raising children in defiance age. Doctor o. Similar people are just holding back in the transition and waiting.

This article is well intentioned but not implementable. My mother refuses any help. She has an incipient Alzheimer’s and the caregiver has thrown it all away because sue is sassy and nasty to people. We kids do what we can but we can’t get it right anymore. we fix meds when we are gone she dumps them all in the trash and then calls crying she has no pills we executed nothing. The body care is no longer present. She has diabetes and injects herself because the nursing service that can not&all in all a disaster. Our father is physically quite disabled and the two hate each other to the blood. We do not know what to do. Soo what options do you have here? Theory is great reality is hell

I thought I was alone with the problem. My father 79 years is in very poor health and does not accept my mother 76 dementia. He keeps thinking she is doing it all extra and gets upset senseless with his battered heart. My hints that we get a care level or at least dementia confirmed. All this is rejected. My idea of having SOMEONE come at least hourly for household chores is also rejected because no one stranger is supposed to come into the home. This situation often makes me despair and I don’t know how to go on vacation either. If something would happen to my father z. B. Someone should be at the hospital for my mother. My husband says he needs his vacation because he has a lot of stress. I am the only daughter and relative and very desperate how to solve this problem…

It was not the article but the comments that helped me a lot. Helped in that you don’t feel quite so alone with your problems. The well-intentioned advice from all the experts is well-intentioned but rarely helps in reality and you often feel left alone.I have, as previously S. D., A mother who has had arguments with all doctors, nursing services, her husband and other "carers" because she simply does not want to accept that she is dependent on help at the age of 80 and should actually be grateful that she gets help at all. Of course, it is difficult to have to realize at some point that it is only possible with help, but should still accept the help received gratefully.And when everyone has turned away in frustration, you are left alone as a daughter and can see how to deal with it.I wish all the relatives a lot of strength to get through the hard time and not to lose the love you once had for your parents.

Unfortunately the advice in the article did not help me at all because it is far from reality. The testimonies of the others on the other hand very. I too have suffered from my father’s stubbornness for 3 years now and my mother who has Alzheimer’s disease. Both over 80. I have become ill myself in the meantime because I have completely sacrificed myself.If I do nothing my bad conscience kills me ..when I help, I am usually only insulted and blamed for it. Both refuse any outside help. In the end, I had official care set up, which I can only advise everyone here who has similar problems. One can give then a part of the responsibility. I long for the day when they are no longer there …even though they are my parents and I wish them only the best from the bottom of my heart but my father has made me sick with his intransigence even though I have tried time and time again to treat him with love and understanding. I just hope I don’t become like that myself and cause so much pain to my child.

You have all spoken from my heart…One is at some point at the end with his Latin and with his forces, both physically and psychologically. I have had several nervous breakdowns and try to fight my depression every day. But there is nothing else to do than to hope that something will change by itself with time. My mom (87) has changed so much in the last few years … it hurts immensely

Dear previous speakers,thank you very much for your comments, it is the same with me and my 80 year old mother. Advice from the green table is of no use, in the end everyone is happy if he or she doesn’t have to deal with the crazy old people (sorry).Bad conscience, for the fact that I have lost piece by piece the affection to my mother inclusive. Try to keep your distance somehow, otherwise you’re due.Help in moments when it is accessible, a terrible situation, mercilessly.

Unfortunately, I can only confirm all the experiences here. Both my mother and my mother-in-law had to have disasters before they moved into a nursing home. In the case of my sister-in-law, the dementia developed quite slowly at first and she was still able to live alone at home with some support from us. This would have been possible even longer if she had accepted the help offered (meals on wheels, nursing service from time to time, emergency call, rollator). But they did not. So it came as it had to come: fall, dehydration, alerting the emergency services by the neighbors, but they could not get to her because she had locked herself in, police, emergency opening, hospital, there assault on the nursing staff, gerontological psychiatric ward. All we could do was to find a nice nursing home for her, where she would be very well taken care of. But she is not happy there. She always wants to go home and must be sedated with psychotropic drugs, so that care is possible at all. You don’t force her to do anything there and that’s good. But it then unfortunately leads to her getting up at night – without a walker, of course, because she is not old! – falls and has now broken their arm. She tears off the bandages, she doesn’t understand arguments anymore. Because of the pandemic, we can’t even get to her yet. Summa sumarum: the only helpful thing for the relatives is to buy a strong nerve.

I fully agree with the above comments. I care for my father now also after mom’s sudden death 1.5 years. Before that already 1 year one hospital visit after the other with dad. For Tuesday I have now found a home place and every hour I hear other reproaches. It makes one so a bad conscience whether one has really done everything. One breaks because of it. But I myself have become so ill in the meantime, that there is no other possibility. I also had no one who stood by me . I would have wished me so much that times an outsider with my father would have spoken (doctor, nursing service) then would have been spared a lot of suffering . Thus one read, read and read and at the end one stood nevertheless alone with the decision with the concerns there. So the reality looks quite different.

Thanks for all your comments. It helps a lot to see that you are not alone with these problems. My father is 82 and I am 29 and I am alone. My father is extremely stubborn. If I even hint at a caregiver or assisted living, he gets aggressive. Whines but also what he can no longer do, but does not want to be helped in any case. I think I have already gone through every emotional roller coaster. Be it sadness, helplessness or anger. In the end I feel very alone with this problem. The parents have no idea how hard they make it for their children with their stubbornness. Through this experience I know myself that I never want to do something like that to my children and will.Thank you for your experience reports and I wish everyone further strength to deal with this dilemma daily.

Hello dear! Thank you for the quite detailed reports. It is good to read that you are not alone in the world with your problems. Tell me, do you also have such a problem (or how did you solve it) with the documents of your parents?? I mean, every year it is felt more. Both live now in the home and want (of course- is also understandable) everything decide for themselves…And yet is so 2x times a month for help with (what is also good) insurance, contracts (again what ordered in teleshopping…) asked. And every time it is a chaos to wuheln through the documents of the two, distributed documents again together collect. Until it is understood what the state of affairs is, who is involved where and how, what has been bought, which insurance company has increased the tariff… This destroys the already so rare visits and leaves behind an annoyed climate. How do you support your parents with these things? do you have any tricks or tips for me? I can’t be the only one whose parents can’t handle their documents anymore… Do you do forwarding orders for the mail or do you get them anyway because you have a Vollamcht??

thank you for all comments! it has helped me very much to know that I am not alone with all these catastrophes! my father is 92 and increasingly sickly, my mother is 91, has alzheimer and without the father she would be absolutely lost. i take care of doctor visits and after a serious accident of my father they have accepted after a long back and forth a shopping help 2x a week. the two of them are weaker and more confused from day to day, recently i found out that they only do the most necessary laundry by hand because they have forgotten how to use the washing machine. they don’t want to be helped with medications and from their point of view they don’t really need any help at all. maybe in 10 years! but now? go, please! it’s a horror, but a solution must be found as soon as possible. it hurts so damn much.

Pff, about doctors and neurologists having influence and help. Today just had another appointment with the neurologist and described that it is slowly becoming "dangerous" with dementia mother. His quite literal answer: "There is nothing I can do, I can only prescribe medication. Because of everything else you have to turn to the social welfare office."I beg your pardon.

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Well … I am also completely with the commentators. I am experiencing it myself.father terminally ill, has ca. still 1/2 year and mother somehow confused, short tempered and general condition not optimal. Went to the doctor, he gave her referral to the pulmonologist. Wanted to drive her. At home then: nope, don’t have to. First of all it’s your father’s turn. My father : yes no, it’s not that bad. First see how it goes on with me. Oh and then there is the sentence: you always act so smart!That hurts. Care is not accepted. One is trampled with feet Then we had agreed, I mow the lawn .. How did that end??

Hello all.I have also experienced a lot with my mother. After her death I fell into a depriloch from exhaustion.I even quit my job and took the 3 month suspension because I didn’t have the energy to do my job anymore. Through the employment office I have participated in a qualification that has helped me very much to understand DEMENZ. I am so angry that I did not have this knowledge during my mother’s lifetime.You must know that dementia patients lose decades of memories. An 80 year old lives in the memory of a 30 year old. In this time she was perhaps not yet married. So she does not recognize her husband. She also recognizes herself in a mirror and thinks there is a stranger in the room. There are many reasons why older people behave strangely, aggressively or dismissively and there are ways to deal with these situations. I can only advise everyone to get dementia information from professionals. Many dementia consultants also make home visits to assess the situation and find solutions.As a tip I would like to give many on the way – if your relative does not want to hand over the car keys, then you must involve the family doctor, who should then say that you are not allowed to drive with these tablets. The prohibition of a physician always pulls with this generation. And then you should make a CURE palatable to your relatives. In advance times some nursing homes with your relatives on coffee and cake visit. The homes make this possible. Also play afternoons are offered for tasting. 80 percent are enthusiastic and want to go to the Cure. You also have to say that the health insurance pays for all this and that they can stay there as long as they want I hope I could help you a little. Leave no stone unturned ..

I agree with the comments. Good coaxing and arguments bring nothing at all, if they do not understand that they need help. In our case, apart from the already existing neglect, the self-endangerment is in the room, because our mother has discharged herself from the hospital this night against the medical advice. This morning she would have had an urgent surgery and now she risks a sepsis, because she also refuses to take the medication. She does not have a family doctor, she lives 100 km away from us. She moved there alone years ago. Should we children now incapacitate them and have them committed ? That does not make it better. We may save her life with this, but she will continue to refuse every measure. That means sedating, restraining and keeping them alive against their will. Also thereby nobody helps one, have all authorities by and as Anteort comes only:" everyone has a right to neglect."

Between theory and reality are actually worlds! I feel the same as everyone here. I am sure that everyone here is not only in countless sleepless nights looking for solutions. Senseless! Because no human being fits into a pigeonhole. It is a mystery to me, after which scheme one has generated the "model specimen" of a person to be cared for and how one can be convinced that this pattern is equally applicable to ALL people to be cared for. In the case of my parents it fails not even at the financial possibilities! They simply do not WANT outside help. Basta. My mother (84) has dementia (now also very aggressive) and my father (85) has a bad heart condition and is deaf. Both expect us children to take care of them around the clock, "because that’s what children are for". Yes, they are my parents. And yes, I am morally obliged to help them. I would help very well if I would place both of them in a nice nursing home. But neither I nor anyone else can do anything against their will, as long as both of them can still say "no". My powers of attorney are of no use to me at all, because all the agencies that could support my request only have the snapshot on the occasion of a visit, during which my parents always sit there in an exemplary and, in particular, relatively silent manner, smiling benignly. It is to despair makes ill.

I’ll read my suffering situation here. I find myself in every comment. The inner conflict is getting to me. Everyone has a right to be neglected. As a child I don’t want to watch this. Much strength to you all

Hello, my God, what am I glad to have stumbled upon this page! Also me it goes like all. My mother, 87 years old, pulmonary fibrosis, very weak in the meantime, my father, 81 years old, heart disease and diabetes with beginning dementia. I live in the same house as my parents and in addition to my full time job, I am available 24 hours a day, so to speak! But I am also in despair. I am like everyone else, my mother expects my help in everything, which I cannot do because of my job, garden, my father, and my house. It too does not want outside help and is visibly neglecting me. If I want to wash you, etc. … does not like her, because she is not well. In the evening when I get home, I do as much as possible. But in the meantime I have also reached the limit. My father sees the situation but can’t do anything either. I too am starting to think that it really needs to get quite bitter before anything changes. But as you all have written before, it hurts like hell to be condemned to watch. I can only advise all, which are also like me alone and already older, 53, even, in time for their own person to take precautions! I don’t want to put my son through this misery, if it should happen to me. Therefore precaution and timely. assisted living etc…. I wish you all a lot of strength to get through this difficult time without doing any major damage to yourself!

I thank you for the (most) previous comments here. As stupid as it sounds, that you can see that you are not alone in such problems and thus know that you are not to blame and have not done too little, gives you courage and reassurance.With me the "problem" is my father, who after the death of my mother two and a half years ago continues to degrade. I can also confirm: in Puncto authorities and also in Puncto so-called "highly praised" advice centers one is completely left alone. Live in a big city and have all the "necessary" authorities, counseling centers and facilities on site and yet I am so alone. Highlight was recently a Jungspunt from the social service, with his theoretical knowledge according to textbook so completely beside the reality, so that I was allowed to explain him only among other things father’s pension statements … To my father: The descriptions from most comments reflect so pretty much exactly our situation. Aggressiveness, lack of understanding, intransigence, rejection of all dementia, but at the same time daily complaining and "vegetating". He is getting more and more neglected, hygiene does not take place anymore. Care provider had it all until he scared them away too. In addition, he is a very strong smoker (mind. 40 cigarettes daily.), which clearly intensifies the negative effect of body hygiene and hygiene in the house. Which is also an imposition on any visit and caregiver, especially when you are then berated. Smoking has been proven to accelerate his deterioration: several hospital stays, multiple surgeries of the main arteries in the neck and legs, stroke, heart attack, pacemaker, bypasses, irreparable circulatory disorders, therefore constant pain in the legs and hands. Running it is almost impossible. Currently he is once again in the hospital, even on coaxing the doctors and nurses there he reacts only with angry rejection. This time he will probably lose a finger on the right hand. The doctor there (I fands great) has told him in no uncertain terms what is the matter, he is of course totally freaked out.Since November 2017, I’ve been "rotating" for him almost daily and as a result now have a disability card myself and provisional disability pension after a fat burn-out. In addition to the constant experience of being powerless in the end, despite all efforts, comes the realization that everything is and will be in vain anyway, he will just continue to "smoke himself to death" despite everything. Funnily enough, I understand some of my father’s behavior (after all, he lost his wife/mother and I also have the impression that he doesn’t want to go on anyway and has completely given up on himself), but I can only advise everyone to pull the emergency brake for themselves in good time before it’s too late. Yes the bad conscience eats up one, one believes nevertheless still not enough to have done, finally one must watch helplessly like a once loved humans decays. My family doctor (!) said she had known some patients where the children died before the parents in need of care after all, because they had totally sacrificed themselves for their parents. This has given me a lot to think about..

Nice advice, completely out of touch with reality. If you do not pull the emergency brake yourself, you perish. Everything is denied, everything is bad and the own children are bad. Neither the general practitioner nor a nursing service helps. The only way to help yourself is to get psychological help and distance yourself.

Join Sonei, pull emergency brake and distance yourself. Mother 78 with Parkinson, father 80 and also shaky. Both extremely stubborn, entrenched, obstinate. No cooperation at all with support and help. Everything is rejected. Last year mother after 4 weeks almost nothing to eat and drink completely dehydrated, but was completely concealed. She does not want to go to the hospital. Only when emergency doctor had to be called. Then running, coaxing, coaxing, trying to help. 3 weeks after the hospital again the same old rut. Family doctor is fed up, only does compulsory program. As a son no influence on them at all. Father with mother overstrained, he permanently shortly before the nervous breakdown. No reasonable talking possible anymore. The two cap off in apartment and argue and pull each other down. Now in summer father actually comes running for help once. Mother is lying in bed and has cut arteries. Quickly over, call an ambulance, hold up his arm, knives lie around in bed. Until the emergency doctor arrives, the mother’s blood runs down your arms and shirt. Emergency surgery in intensive care, then compulsory admission to neurological clinic. There 3 weeks. Father again unreasonable. Did it only to relieve him. Schipft in in clinic with doctor . Doctor has had enough of the old man scolding him with a raised forefinger just before his. " You can take your wife home at any time. They are only the medical help. If you want to take it home, take it with you". Wonderful, so after 3 weeks back home again. Medication soles readjusted, slightly better condition. Again running without end, organizing social services, and, and, and…. Now 4 weeks after the clinic "Social services are no good, they don’t do anything, we can do everything ourselves, we’ll order them off again" . Of course he does nothing when the two block, they need nothing. So again the same old track as before. Health insurance social service advice: " we can not do anything, in Germany everyone can live as he wants. But you as a son is not to blame they have done everything possible."So I had sleepless nights myself, ear whistling on both sides, etc. – now I am also ready like Sonei DISTANCE.

Hello to all desperate daughters and sons,How well I can understand you. I myself am also in a stupid situation. My father with advanced Parkinson can hardly walk anymore. He drives an e-roller scooter. So that he is somehow mobile. However, he also falls asleep on it from time to time, minor accidents, etc. included. He lives alone and neglected physically and spatially totally. Still think you can keep ducks and rabbits, I feel so sorry for the poor critters. Friends and relatives have turned away because he has become quite an unpleasant contemporary, mean and demanding. Everything must run according to his nose but the how….. you can only slap your hands over your head. Anything he tries to do is dangerous to him and others. A cleaning service comes, but they are hardly allowed to do anything, he doesn’t like the people. Everyone is wrong , he would be fine. However, it understands letters from authorities etc. Doctor and health insurance companies matters no more. If you want to sort your papers for it in order to be able to react to it, that’s bullshit in his eyes. He is absolutely out of touch with reality in most things. I could run the list indefinitely. With the whole situation I have fallen out with my brother so much that we only talk about the most necessary things. He leaves "the old man" satisfied, he doesn’t want any help!! But can you let your father go to seed like that?? LG to all desperate children

My father is 72 stubborn as sh… (been going on for 4 years or more) My mother(55) is breaking down, he needs a caregiver, he doesn’t want to, my mother cares for him, she can’t.He’s alcoholic, aggressive, stubborn, not demented, lazy, etc. … We want the domestic separation but if my mother would leave him alone, it would be her legal turn. (Failure to help) Probably prison!Does anyone have a solution?!Thanks for all the comments, it’s really cool that a lot of people feel the same way. With desperate greetingsI. Armin

My grammar leaves something to be desired in the comment written above, wrote this with anger and rushed. :’D