Patchwork families When the ex-husband becomes a father again
Tips for the ex-wife
The news that your ex-husband has found a new love stings you? And the news that your former partner wants to start a family again or his new wife is even already pregnant, even more so? No matter how clean the breakup was and how much time has passed since the Divorce respectively Separation has passed – that’s the way it is for most women. And not only because this makes the separation even more final – suddenly one has lost the supposed privilege vis-à-vis the new one of having children together with one’s husband.
You’re probably also worried that your ex-husband won’t neglect your children in favor of the new baby – not to mention worries about whether the man’s salary will be enough to support you and a new family (because since the new alimony is in force, the ex-wife will have to look for a job again sooner, when the children are not too small anymore, but the new partner of her ex-husband is taking care of a baby).
A difficult situation. But perhaps the following advice will help you:
- Stand by your feelings. If it hurts you to be informed every time about the already grown belly circumference of the new one, ask your ex-husband for a little restraint.
- Even if it is hard, try not to infect your children with your worries that your ex will soon no longer have time for them. Instead, you should also discuss this topic with him as early as possible – he will probably be able to dispel your worries. After all, he loves his children and has made every effort to be a good father to them despite the separation.
- Under no circumstances should you talk badly about the father’s new wife in front of the children. Children depend on being able to love both parents. Better: have a good cry with a good friend – and let her list all the reasons why you wouldn’t have wanted your ex back anyway.
On the following page you will find more Tips on how the father and his new wife can defuse the situation.
Tips for the father
There is no question that you are suffering from Separation from your children suffer that you miss them and that a weekend with them always goes by much too fast. So who could blame you for looking forward to having a baby with your new partner?? That then of all things the older siblings shoot so crosswise, hurts you of course.
But: Put yourself in the children’s shoes for a moment: Suddenly you have to share your love with another man Sibling share. It is not easy for a child to understand that a new sibling is coming with whom he suddenly has to share the love of his parents. Perhaps the accusation that you suddenly have no time for your "old" partner is not true But there’s a grain of truth in this: your job, caring for the baby and your new relationship are all putting a lot of strain on you at the moment.
Nevertheless, there are a few things you can do to ease your children’s (and your ex-wife’s) fears that they will be increasingly pushed into the background by your new family:
- Very, very important: stick to the agreements you have made. Nothing is worse for your older children than when the Visiting weekend Cancel at short notice "because the little one is somehow not in a good mood". Such unreliability hurts the children – and creates an irritable atmosphere between you and your former partner.
- Show the child your love and tell him again and again that he is just as important to you as before.
- Make it clear to your new wife that having a baby together will not change how you feel about your children from the previous relationship. But also don’t constantly compare the development of the children and your ex’s role as mother with the new situation, so that your new partner also has no reason to feel set back.
- You have the feeling that you are being tugged at from all sides? In case of conflict, do not take the side of your "old" sibling nor to those of your "new Family. But honestly admit that your time resources are also limited, but that you are trying to do justice to everyone as much as possible. Sometimes such a confession works wonders for all "parties" think about new solutions together.
Tips for the New Wife
Everything could be so beautiful: you are expecting a baby with the man you love. The anticipation is great. If it weren’t for the weekends when your husband’s children are around. Since you carry a little belly, the big ones freak out. Of course, this is not okay – from the perspective of the children out but quite understandable. Here are some reasons why the step-siblings-to-be react this way – maybe it will help you to stay more relaxed if you know what is going on in the little heads:
Another tip: It’s understandable that you see your partner first and foremost as the father of your common child. But you must accept that the children from the previous relationship will forever be a part of his or her life. Therefore, you should always try to be as neutral as possible!
- Children hope that the family will get back together after all. With a new baby this is hardly realistic now. Children understand this quite well. And "blame" you are.
- Dad already has so little time. If he then has another child, even less remains.
- Little ones are always especially loved. The baby competition is already very conscious to five-year-olds. A load of jealousy is already falling on you now.
- Maybe it hurts the children’s mother that you now have something in common with the ex-husband, which was previously reserved for her. And even if you do not discuss this with the children, they feel it. Unfortunately, you then get it off.
Do you yourself live in a similar family constellation? In our "Patchwork family, stepmothers and stepfathers"-Forum you can talk to other parents.