He and she. This kiss. Either in the rain or in front of a sunset. Matching music, a string orchestra perhaps. And then: the credits. Hollywood has told another fairy tale, with the typical message: love is everything. Needs nothing more. Is the answer. The solution. Saves us all. Amen. And we believe in it so readily.
Only: Hollywood lies (ah, nah!?). The books lie, the advertising lies, the music lies, and even your best friend who is just freshly in love. Not maliciously, no. It seems part of our human nature to idealize love. But therein lies the danger: We create unrealistic expectations of what love actually is and what it can do for us. This in turn often makes it difficult for us in our relationships.
The truth is: love alone is not enough.
Love in itself is a pretty annoying party guest unless she has some buddies with her too: Respect. Humility. Trust. Devotion. Understanding. Friendship.
Now you might say: Yes, but for me it all belongs together. True, genuine love automatically brings that with it. Honestly? Ask a woman who loves a man who treats her badly. Ask why she won’t leave him. Because she loves him. Pretty bad, this love, isn’t it? A pretty nasty bitch sometimes.
Here are three hard truths about love and relationships, inspired by a lyric by Mark Manson.
1. Love does not necessarily mean that you also fit together
To fall in love is something purely emotional. Heart and hormones paralyze the brain – and we are powerless. But then comes everyday life, and it’s not at all emotional. He (also) demands logic and rationality.
There’s the sports crack and the girl who associates sports at most with Saturday shopping marathons with her girlfriends. He likes to eat low-fat quark in the evening (because of muscle building and so on), she would rather go out for a romantic dinner. With champagne to toast to love. Can’t, he’s in training. She’s annoyed. He’s the same. After a while she accuses him of caring more about his sport than about her, and maybe she is right.
There’s the young tax accountant, a very accurate guy, and the bon vivant, the crazy chicken with an asymmetrical hairstyle. She works freelance as a theater actress, lives for the moment and often from hand to mouth. Her finances drive him crazy. She should look for a steady job, think about the future. In which, he imagines, the two of them have a house with a white garden fence around it, two token children and a dog. She, on the other hand, dreams of living in Bali someday, dog: okay, kids: yuck!
And there I am, at 17, falling madly in love with the boy from the German class. We dance tight to the Backstreet Boys at a school party (sorry, that was the nineties). We are now a couple. I feel great. But then this boy meets again secretly with his ex-girlfriend. Then lies to me. Then he steals money from my purse to take his ex to the movies. And I? I love him anyway. Even if this love hurts me. First in my heart, then in my face. He gives me a black eye when I make him a scene. Now it’s over. Finally I think clearly again. "Quit playing games with my heart". As if the Backstreet Boys had known it beforehand. We break up after about a year.
The problem is: love doesn’t ask. Love doesn’t care if we end up with someone who doesn’t appreciate us at all or whose lifestyle just doesn’t match ours. Who has different goals, ideas or views. Love doesn’t care if we end up with someone who doesn’t return our love at all or even shits on us altogether. Love itself is blind, yes, and quite ignorant.
Love is nothing without the head.
"How to let go of worry, stress, and self-doubt"
2. Love does not solve relationship problems
Mrs. Merkel would say: We can do it. Because love overcomes all obstacles. Because we can do anything as long as we stick together. Correct? Well..
Let me tell you about my last relationship. By then I’m no longer 17, but in my early 30s. We meet at a party. Sparks fly high, fireworks, instantly. Only: I live in Munich, he in Kiel. Stupid. But no matter, we can do it. So we have a long distance relationship. Because we are both busy at work, we only see each other once a month at the most. It doesn’t matter, we love each other anyway.
But as time goes by it gets harder and harder to find dates. (How ugly to talk about "dates" in the context of a relationship, isn’t it??) Well, never mind, that’s just the way it is, we’ll make it work. Maybe one day he’ll move south. But he’d have to give up his business in Kiel. Alright, then differently. Maybe one day I’ll move to Kiel. Only: What should I do there? Without my job and without my friends? We realize that in the long run one of us would have to take a back seat, because in the last six months we’ve seen each other just four times. We write each other many messages I love you. – Me you too. But at some point it just feels empty. We argue fiercely. The safeword: love. Momentarily we reconcile. Until we fight again. This is how we go around in circles for three years. And then it’s over.
Love is a lousy kit when the relationship has cracks for other reasons. These can be caused by lack of time and distance, or for example by lack of trust. Let’s think about the jealous woman who is always secretly searching her boyfriend’s cell phone.
3. Love is not worth every sacrifice
If you love someone, you would die for them. True? That’s how it should be, true love. If you love someone, then you accept their moods. "For better or for worse" is what they say after all. If you love someone, you put your own needs aside.
Of course, in your relationship you will often have to jump over your shadow and find compromises – and that’s a good thing. That’s what a relationship is.
But there are things you should never sacrifice: Your dignity. Your self-esteem. Your physical and mental health. Your dreams. A relationship should enrich you, it should not take away anything that you really care about. You are important and still your own person. You have the right and the duty to be good to yourself. And anyone who isn’t good for you doesn’t deserve your love. Yes, I know, it sounds so simple and that’s exactly what love is not. I’ve experienced it often enough myself.
But fortunately, love is not a once-in-a-lifetime event either. You can fall in love when you are young. You can fall in love when you’re old. You’ll meet many people in the course of your life and you’ll strike sparks again. For sure.
So love is really just crap?
Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against love, on the contrary. The world is beautiful in pink, for a while. Ultimately, though, a lasting relationship doesn’t work in just one color.
Love alone is not enough, no.
She is a good start, the best, absolutely.
Only what comes next?
Friendship-tested
A friend once said she tests her relationships for their friendship qualities. At first I thought it was kind of simple, this "my partner should be my best friend" stuff. But then I had to agree with her. With a boyfriend I would not tolerate that he constantly lies to me. I would end the friendship. So why should my partner be allowed to lie to me? A friend I can’t talk to gives me nothing. Why should it be different with my partner?
Of course, this tip doesn’t guarantee the big, lifelong romance à la Hollywood, but maybe it’s worth considering for you, too. After all, we all want our happiness to last beyond the credits.
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69 comments
I agree: love alone is not enough. At least not the love that Hollywood wants us to believe. The exuberant feelings fade away relatively quickly. Nevertheless, the right love, is a relationship, a really wonderful thing. People say that a relationship is work, but I think it is worth it. In a relationship you don’t let yourself go spiritually, mentally (for that you might be in sweatpants more often, what the heck).
In my opinion, a relationship is very good for personal development of each other, because in time each becomes the mirror of the other. If you listen carefully, and if you talk a lot with each other, a relationship can bring you very far in your own personal development. I think that alone is worth another article.
That’s exactly how I see it. In a partnership the individual can develop wonderfully. I also believe that this is the deeper sense. And exactly that is something precious, almost sacred.
I wish everyone that he opens his heart and is ready to take a look into this dimension. We should not despair and dare this way.
Beautiful..Friendship, humility, trust, respect. …I wanted that aaaalleeees…Also passion(good sex;)most men need that(according to my experience in my relationship and what I know from girlfriends)…but also times empathetic when one is times quite sensitive and thin-skinned…one who doesn’t go for it just because he feels like it…Then he should please choose nice object…But it hurts damn wen one this superficiality endeckt…. Where one has invested sici 100% in him so that he gets his life on the row (there is nothing left for himself…he also wants that so that one serves only him) Then I turn up (and through) and say stop (naaaach many bad depressive years) and say stop and look for MY HAPPINESS…Then he becomes very small begs that I am again like fruhrr gegulde and beg for attention and peace that he stops insulting me for every sh…But this time I didn’t let him win me back…but did to him what he did to me…And that did me good…I got self-awareness back…And he immeasurable anger and wanted revenge…(though no one would believe that with the babyface…me neither…married him because of his played gentle nature…because I hate aggression)
Thank you for your comments and for the appreciation, I am very happy that you like myMONK so much and that you feel comfortable here!
May I ask you one small thing?
When you write so many single, fragmented comments – and you don’t even look at it, how well it can be read (small/capital letters, punctuation marks and so on), it’s hard for me to respond to your comments. Other readers may feel the same way,.
I really don’t mean that in a bad way, on the contrary, I would love to exchange ideas with you here and there, but then you would have to make it a little easier for me. & So, I would be happy if you could summarize your thoughts in a comment each time and also read over them again.
But I wanted ee not miss his children.And we madebuns what.. everyone lives his life…and something together from it…Only when I showed him I can without you there he respected me…Sad I find that…If jmd without me not can the more I pass on this treasure on… And respect (so my feeling) only out of fear that I could report his gambling addiction and aggressions to any social institutions…His "wife should alkeinw take care of children and her migraine, because I want to be free of vetoflichtung (only work that already…but also not every work)" kind
I was one step away from getting my life together…getting to know someone.To free myself from his energy (mendacity) (because I also became a liar to him in the end)…Had great work…(although also mendacious work colleague what was also burden, very)..And I meet a great man (also married…but I allowed myself 1x in life what forbidden) who makes music(that fits me) and is insanely sensitive and older…wise simply…And then…then something happened that knocked me out of my plans and brought my life to a standstill and illness…But there is a saying with which I must/want to comfort myself "Who knows what this is/was good for"….LG
But it hurts like hell…I wanted to do everything well…for me…for kids..for my company then…for my new partner I was waiting for…take more care of my health…sing…do good everywhere I am…but apparently there are a lot of envious people…who are happy about downfall when they realize with her it is going wrong…. instead of hand to hand and say" come I help you"…I would help everyone…well now vlt a little more cautious after all experiences…but earlier without thinking hand row…No matter it will be fine…Everything will be fine.
I once read that this "system" where we live, simply took away the feeling of what love is, reshaped it, gave it back through novels, operas, philosophers, media … The feeling that we think is love is not what was there in the first place. Unconditional, free and all-embracing. That love would be enough.
I find that very beautifully represented, Romy. Yes, these are they, the 2 to three years. I think it is only about a year. This first year is often worth to be lived. A beautiful year in our life. Whether long distance or very close.
After that the curtain lifts, the limited awareness, the rose-colored glasses. What to do, now that what has been put aside appears increasingly? The needs that go further. The realization, many things do not fit together practically. I mean, it is too late. Before falling in love was a better time. Gullible we reckoned that we would make it, which was already not very suitable at the beginning. Especially we thought we could do what was obviously not good.
And why do we soon fall into this trap again?? And again it becomes hard to leave it at the beautiful year. Also out of respect for otherness and the need for freedom. I believe that men are actually better able to deal with the facts, because of the predominantly masculine energy they usually have.
A woman will always have you consciously in her heart, even if the lived closeness is over. But what is at stake. We may continue to love everyone from afar, even in a new relationship. Everything else would be wrongly understood loyalty, duty or wrongly understood sense of entitlement.
I mean, this attitude has helped me myself. The women I knew are still with me on a geidt level. It just needs some love in thoughts and all is well. You are not taking anything away from anyone.
But back to the beginning, where the course is set. The first year is predestined for the train with falling in love.
In fact, it is again the head that often gets blinded. The imaginary fairy tales. And the head is also a master in "we can do it". More awareness and sense of reality for the needs. Less conceited "I change him/her, resp. help him/her. More willingness to wait. Authenticity, which needs basic trust, which is easy to dare.
So again, I wish all readers something that I wish for myself as well. Primal trust, love for the exes from afar, modesty and gratitude for experienced love.
And how does it fit in this world to have found a real love and still fall in love again? How can we do that without hurting or disappointing others??
What about the responsibility one has for children?
Yes reader, it doesn’t quite fit into our world. Our world is a reasonable world and we are locked into thinking of responsibility and guilt.
Anyway, my daughter says the divorce would have been better sooner. Had it been earlier, it would have suffered too. When love is over or a new love comes, responsibility doesn’t change the fact that there’s suffering. Hurt and disappointment, on the other hand, have to do with expectation and blame. Really true love sets the other free and also still allows gratitude for what we have experienced together.
And if we fall in love again, then it just happened the way some things happen, without us being able to change it. And true love still does not fade away. It also does not need to pass away, despite new love it can live on from a distance. So, let’s shake off a few acquired compulsions and not make it even harder for ourselves.
Marco…very smart and reasonable..you can always be so smart and reasonable? I was 14 years old when I met my husband…wanted to write "married "hahaha…And vlt cause of blindness and these traditional family patterns I "aufgesetzt "kriegte…Later it’s children…then money (did not want to be a social case)then sorry when one sees only weekend his children(I see that now completely different)… then fear of alkeine be…then the feeling without him I can not (where with me life now taught differently)…For this kind of relationship you have to be very mature and free of fear…know 100% what is the most important…I did not know for a long time…only learned by now experience..
Richard…You are so smart that I don’t even understand alkes…in between I do…then again I don’t….That makes interesting…but also I would be afraid of you as a partner z.B.because you reduce love to 2,3 years…sorry if I get it wrong…That I am/was stupid I know by now…that there are many things I was/am not aware of…But I want to love…live…take care of my children…Do good in this world(what I can…vlt education rather and beautify people and sing…and absolutely love laaaaong time. )…:)
It is only one year, Tatjana. As long as the rose-colored glasses last mostly. If little fits together, then another 1 to two years come to it. It is also written in the article. If more fits together, then the partners can even grow, if they can rub on their differences and leave some things in the partner, as it is just.
Let your mind rest a bit, Tatjana. We don’t really know why our destiny is the way it is. But it is easier if we can accept it as it is.
So…I need to do something too…before I get addicted to this site:).All the love and best wishes
Marco…great site..I found the an dem I ancklickte your name…Next great page:)
What I also find bad..People who can not argue…I find quite normal in a relationship that means a lot to one…that times scraps fly (no ruining it or just regular beat…that vlt once…paarma the hand slipped I understand somehow still… but regular and then run away from the other in pain still leave that is really bad)…the more beautiful the reconciliation…because you feel after something like that that you are important to each other…when fetzen fly (because you do not understand each other because of differences)and then reconciliation.(because you love each other and recognize each other’s worth)..such relationships exist…and they can be wonderful…wonderful…you can learn a lot from each other..
Any kind of relationship where there are differences…and sometimes scraps fly seriously…but then there is reconciliation because you look in the same direction…I find wonderful…no matter how difficult it was / is…but reconciliation and peace is worth it…in every relationship..
Love alone is not enough?I see it differently..
I would call a lot of what is called love in the world rather than some cheesy ego projections, where because of the "lack" of self-love is hoped that the other makes us happy and / or whole.
This is the only way it can go wrong.
I no longer have any hope that I will be happy with anyone else, possibly for the rest of my life… People come and go, so I no longer make myself so dependent… Of course it’s nice to have people around with whom you get along well…And it would be nice if it would stay like this for a long time.But if that’s not the case, for whatever reason, it’s ok.After all, one has no claim on other people or living beings in general.They don’t belong to you and I don’t want to belong to anyone.
It’s a much better way to live, I think.
Dear people…everything will be fine. And if it’s not good then still have to do something to make it good:)…I definitely have to stop writing…Hugs to the world:)…Remember that everything will be fine…In every way…Hurdles they are there to master them…to learn something…What? I don’t know…you only know later…after certain experiences probably…But could I write as great as Elisa,My Monk and others here…then I would also have a blog…But you have to leave things to better ones…everyone what he can do well…<3 Good night.All love
That’s why many no longer give in to this energy……………
Then come along with the head and with friendship, because you have to check first, in how far it fits in the long run.
But falling in love has a higher evolutionary sense. And I don’t mean having children.
We fall in love because we have something to learn. We should develop ourselves further, look at ourselves in the mirror.
However, if we choose our partners only according to the criteria that are convenient for us and that we think fit us, we close ourselves to this further development.
Such relationships, formed in advance according to specifications, are apparently perfect, but without real substance. But the head chose her.
Sure it saves us from disappointments and dramas…………… but a possible learning process remains out.
Falling in love has its value and it is subject to the mental and spiritual maturity, what develops in the long term from it.
If you are willing to look at yourself in the mirror and work on what your partner brings up in you, it can lead you to real closeness.
So we should not be fundamentally closed to falling in love. Rather, we should use this to meet ourselves, even if there are bitter days.
My experience speaks for me.
I know that things around me can only change through me.
It’s no use complaining about appearances, the partner and the circumstances.
It doesn’t help to change from one partner to the next.
"Love yourself and it doesn’t matter who you marry"
But as long as there are unhealed aspects in you, there will be relationship problems. But this is not because the other person is so bad, but because we project onto them.
He is only a mirror that reacts to everything unconsciously buried in us.
Well, Vio. Whether disappointments are absent, if the head decides? I do not believe it. And to learn we have always in relationships, there the head may help quite, so that it does not become all too much. The problem is rather that the head thinks that this and that will still change. And the head then clears away disagreements with it. As so often the good solutions lie in between, when head and feeling are involved, I think.
This is then called cooperation, although the word is scary. KO-Operation&&
I have now gone through this again.
For me, falling in love has brought more benefits than relationships in which no feelings were involved at all.
And that with the someone want to change…………
I think those who thought I wanted to change them wanted to change me. They found more fault with me than I did with them. They only told themselves that I wanted to change them, but that’s not true. It had purely to do with their own inner selves.
Narcissistic characters z.B., like to do that.
Likewise, they manipulate for their own benefit, even use magical intentions to make someone fall in love.
I once knew someone who formed a heart out of stones on the mountain, in the hope that I would give him my love.
Really now?
A narcissist?
Nooo!
They go over dead bodies!
&
With me as a schizoid character, however, everything runs through the head. So I spoke above also about myself (and about a hysterical character).
But without falling in love, no further development.
Quite the opposite.
I even stopped when I entered into a relationship without this cocktail of hormones. And if others had not told me about similar experiences, a learning effect would not have happened until today.
But at the moment I am more interested in the open devotion. For this I can z.B. not to use a head.
Open devotion to being, to life, to everything.
Not thinking and dreaming to create for others, but receiving.
Of course narcissists can do that too…….
You could also put on pink hooded high heels and pray to the Mother Mary. I’m just not into it.
Like you, Richard, I am also of the opinion that the head has its justification. It always depends on what for.
If we use him to teach others lessons, we are surely acting out of our ego.
But if we use it to get to know ourselves better, we can grow.
Yes Vio, I can also see that with the head load. And also a kind of switching, either-or, cost-benefit calculation. But let us not forget how strongly we sometimes carry lack and desire within us. So it’s only a question of how much show and promise it takes until the head wipes away all doubts and the fall comes.
Whether it is solely due to the narcissist who wants to change? Or if he reveals himself, after his victory and that shall then change for you. He should no longer be a narcissist and you should just let yourself fall further, after all you were captured.
The fact is probably that all this already existed in the beginning. Only the perception was not strong enough or was wiped away. Would be typical for an either-or thinker or someone with a great lack and a great desire in the belly.
Or in other words, the head is well supplied with energy, as is the earthbound, the two feet and the area that represents passion and procreation. So then we jump between the extremes when …
Yes, if there is little conditioning in between or the feelings in the belly (numerologically the hips) are just blocked. The feelings should recognize the narcissist before falling in love, because with the narcissist the exchange about the hips is probably missing. And if you live this consciously, you recognize discrepancies with it.
Of course he may continue to be a narcissist………..
People should only know that out of his lack in Kjndheit he is concerned with spirituality and psychology.
He wants power and he wants the feeling of being above others.
People fall for his knowledge and advice by the dozen, because he suggests that he only wants to help them.
They do not realize that he manipulates them with it to increase his popularity level.
With phobic or depressive characters, this may also work well………………
Liest one yes again and again………..
For me, this has rather triggered allergic reactions and led to blackouts.
Of course, then it was also over with the devotion elsewhere.
And here I don’t know if a hysterical character with his tendency to play such games is better suited to open me up to love and to God.
Because it was not the perception that was lacking, but only the knowledge and understanding.
I have this conditioning and it is neither good nor bad. It is simple, with its strengths and weaknesses. The same applies to the hysterical character.
Him z.B. protect the masks of his roles. Me however my protective armor (head).
To believe that you can break through this protective armor and still continue to wear your masks is mistaken.
This has nothing to do with either or.
I have only released all wanting and the associated pressure, so that no more catastrophes follow it. Here the good of the community had priority.
Of course my head tells me that if I manage to open my protective armor, masks will fall at the same time, but there is no must behind it and also no either or. Only one "it could" resp. "it may".
I want to invite life, but not necessarily him.
That my experience has polarized me wrong, is nowmal so. But this does not mean that it has to stay this way.
Here I see a possibility of my inner growth.
But not for his sake.
He is no longer the center of my attention. Alone also therefore, because I would feed thereby its lack further.
I feed my lack for example with my fortress of loneliness.
The lack of the narcissistic character, through my rejection.
And that of the hysterical character, through my attention.
I will definitely get the book "Ich und Du und Mullers Kuh" by Schirach, in which this is described with these characters.
Especially with regard to "love is not enough", this seems to me to be very helpful for a general better understanding of each other.
How true, nothing has to stay as it is. Just trusting the body fully and coming down is worth it, I think. This also saves electricity costs and avoids other failures.
I believe that love is very beautiful, but good and lasting relationships are based more on politeness and respect. As hard as it is, you have to keep your own space in order to really get involved in a relationship
Love can also fulfill two absolutely different people who have nothing in common.
Provided that both are mature, accept each other with the respective peculiarities and do not want to change them. Have respect for each other, criticize in the "I" form and allow everyone to feel what he feels.
I find the only thing that has to fit is the infamous chemistry is mental maturity. You don’t have to do everything together, you have to want to see and talk to each other.
In this sense: Live the mature love&
laugh, everything is love!
Love is not an ingredient for a happy relationship. Love is the goal of a relationship. Love means successful self-awareness, perfect self-love and self-peace. The ingredient for a successful relationship is to fall in love and stay in love. We always have the right partner. We MUST enter into relationships in order to know ourselves, to enhance the positive in us and to work through the negative. Strife is good to learn the truth about ourselves and to be able to reflect. If you don’t understand that a relationship is for your own growth, that in a relationship you live for your partner’s happiness, that everyone is 100% responsible instead of sharing it, for you separation is just an escape and a short break before the next unhappy relationship with a new partner.
Even if your comment is over two years ago, I would like to thank you for it, dear Beate. I have carefully read the blog text and all the comments. Yours speaks to me especially from the heart, and yet it is not always easy to put all this into practice. Often I was (and still am) so desperate that I am on the verge of escaping. But I want to face who I am and what is in me. Richard Rohr very aptly refers to this as "falling upward," which nicely reflects how I feel about life and relationships. I believe more and more that it is possible to truly learn everything that belongs to love – not although, but BECAUSE I know my partner better and better and she knows me.
Many things I understand…many things I don’t…But the sentence stuck "that you project your own behavior on partners"…Only if someone brings bad qualities into the relationship, what then??.Addictive behavior and when being responsible is lacking…or too little of a sense of responsibility while children were young.And that you first have to learn that a woman is not responsible for everything alone.And no matter what you want to transfer good in such and who rejects it (as well as my husband at that time) but the good qualities only pretended to others … what should you do?? Divorce was in my family =disaster (old fashioned family unfortunately) and I took over this thinking about marriage, was indirectly forced (for this we now all have the punishment, my mom and I, but he also that he was lying…it did not bring the marriage far, maybe he did not care anyway but…probably…said that from the beginning and showed…but I stayed and waited because it was too important to me…unfortunately)…That I have to tolerate everything and want to make him better..because of us,because of children,because of future.Yes, I projected on him that he should join the Austrians more and do a proper job where he can be among the people.He projected that I belong to "traditional" ours.(rather more primitive I would say now…because not all women from this area "must be primitive servants" to please the partner…I see many happy couples where woman is modern…so it was due to education that he brought… (sorry, I respect them all, because in the salon I have also cleaned and my mom who was a cleaning lady for a while, I often helped with pleasure), so that he does not have any inferiority complexes besides not…So I projected the highest education and respectful behavior on him…He aggressive and intimidating (so that I keep quiet about his superficiality and addiction), where I was really wired through…Until I tried to turn the tables.Where I became "the bad" to show my man that can anyone and look how that feels … And honestly it felt good when you free yourself from victim role as a woman and partner shows that I give you back for all the years, because I felt like your stepping stone to the top that was only used and then with feet betretten gladly would be … And that I may lie sometimes (in relation to that one ev ‘).who gets to know and does not immediately say that one ev.new partner wants)and turn up and not just tolerate…That felt good.But this does a normal person good only for a short time because life should not consist of defiance, because personally defiance makes me unhappy..I was never a revenge-seeker…rather briefly defiant to show that I will not be taken advantage of…briefly it builds up self-confidence when one has been hurt…but in the long run it brings nothing…absolutely nothing in a relationship.Of course, it would be better if I had ended the relationship in time and had not tolerated and had not returned anything "bad".I would certainly be happier and his behavior he could not hide behind me…Quasi the does what and the I do now what "instigate "so that I stand well there…Because someone must be to blame for the failure of a marriage…and if you like and good lie then we make the,who actually wanted marriage and fought guilty…He could act well and I was the deppte.Until I started the same with him…But there I mostly hurt myself.Because my nature rather loves true love in a partnership.To make someone look stupid again he would have to find a new "stupid" (rather young inexperienced as I was when I had his child) who covers his mistakes, hides them and runs around with depression hiding it behind makeup..and wait that he finally loves and appreciates them.Or he improves and does it with no one more.And I can only wish that my fellow men understand the truth about my marriage and finally open their eyes..
Who fought for love should also be heard… Not all women are smart and end the relationship before it harms her more than it brings her further..There is still this kind of fighting, fighting until she has given up for the partner…has harmed himself…After this realization, late there you turn up and you are vetletzt and angry…and wishes the Partnet that he sees what he has done in the that he used me anyway only and somewhere distorted image of me made.And as if the svhwierige marriage would not be enough, I have thereby additionally then also other problems gekriegt in my case, which I cannot call here…Which are however very, very sad…for me and my children…And I see…I should not have fought for this marriage.Not on my way as I did…But also not in a better way…He was not worth me…Not loved as one should love a woman with whom one enters into covenant marriage…Namely uncentered…If one already creates Famile…. then forever…So was my attitude to it…Unfortunately, I experienced not only separation and emptiness…but literally a "ruin me "by the marriage…And children may also experience his coldness and disinterest…in me and in those..Only the wish that no one comes to him that I was only his ""door into the world"…where he has enough for gambling addiction (or also what else)..
So everyone has his pack to carry…and I mean heavy…But everything passes…And truth will always reach good hearts somehow…Love and truth find the way to it…I believe..even if rocky.If love and truth did not exist…what would life be worth…All the best…Like this site..interesting topics…but have eh not much to do at the time..unfortunately.LG
…yes and if it can’t be forever(because you are too different or you have fallen in love)then you don’t have to hurt the other person at the separation.But someone who already hurt in the marriage, does it also in the separation.The worse (if he gets the chance) … And I think that’s bad.I would love to live alone with the kids and work…And completely remake my life…A long time without any partner…Would have nothing to give at the moment except very deep sadness in my heart,disappointment in myself that I was in a relationship where violence and "love "alternated for 17years.Disappointed by my husband(that he decided for addiction or something else and still pretended to love me and lived under one roof).And disappointed by my environment at the time that wanted to understand me wrong and as guilty for the bad marriage (and some other…).And that I didn’t manage to steal anything on the right feet….But was on the way to do it…With my children and a fulfilling job that I wished for….or at least a hobby that fulfills…And I have for example.And I told my daughter openly that I fell in love again with someone (she is already grown up) and she said that she can understand that after what she has seen in our partnership… My children have wished me a new partner… Because they saw some things in contrast to others from the outside….But now I can’t do anything, nothing good and better..Because my life stands..for some reason…To vegetate and look and hope that children will be healthy.And despite all become good people…So…I write nothing more…my problems are bigger than just partnership, that was once my biggest problem which drove me crazy.Now it is something even more serious…future of my children and mine..Our life…Wish you all everything,all the best!
an interesting article. Nevertheless, I see it quite differently. A love that has grown and is also based on a decision that mn wants this person, because this person is irreplaceable, can overcome much if not quite heavy blows of fate. This decision is not taken gladly, because there will always be something [love means two completely autonomous individuals coming together] that will not fit.
Hello Tim,
nice contribution to a controversial topic.
I would like to bring another point of view into play: There are many beliefs that assume that we are only here on earth because we want to gain experiences that we can’t gain elsewhere, for example the Kahunas who live in Hawaii.
One thing in advance: I do not walk around with an aluminum helmet on my head and I am not a religious conspiracy theorist…&
If we now start from this assumption, love is nothing more than a kind of tool to bring us into situations in which we can gain these experiences. Examples? The woman described by you, who makes physical and mental injuries (experiences) by her husband. The couple who are so different that those around them just shake their heads when they say "I do". Quarrels, power struggles, mutual injuries – all experiences just – are pre-programmed.
From this point of view, love is a useful tool, a useful property of human beings to gain exactly these experiences. If one has made this first, one chooses later differently and lives accordingly. But if you have not experienced suffering, you can not feel happiness..
I had to throw that in for a moment.
Warm regards
Frank
You have a point, Frank. Only I would rather call relationship a tool instead of love. That we have to experience suffering in order to feel happiness, I also doubt very much. This is only a thinking concept, as you can see at the toddler. Bad enough when this then becomes a belief system. Maybe one or the other ego can be dissuaded from suffering things when we have suffered enough. Such suffering then comes from some low awareness. When loving from the ego ..
Hello Romy, what does this article tell us?? What does he say about you? I can’t figure out this collection of posed stories. If you wanted to write about love? Or rather about people you have read or heard about? Do we now know what love is capable of or where its limits are??
I didn’t read anything about love in this article but about people I don’t know and who obviously can’t free themselves from their ideas of partnership to experience the "birth" of something new.
The six mates mentioned above can all be cultivated and lived individually, but without love they are not worth much. Neal Walsh writes: There are only two engines that drive us: Love and fear! You can surely see now, where there is no love, there is fear. Why does the beaten woman stay with her husband? Out of fear! This has nothing at all to do with love and if we look at the other stories, it looks similar. Fear of loneliness, not being liked, falling short…
Your article makes me sad!
Love Greetings
Beatrix
Dear Beatrix, dear Romy,
I think I understand what you both mean. And then the views are not so far apart, I think.
Respect. Humility. Trust. Devotion. Understanding. Friendship. Yes, this is what being arrived looks like for me too. The guy who beats his wife seems to have some things not of it. The woman who loves him then probably more so. Maybe he’ll be more so the next morning. Hard to say if it’s then just types of fear that make up the attraction or the lack of authenticity in the woman.
In fact, we also refer to such states as love, where the mates are yet to awaken and appear in the mist. Also the Hollywood guided performances. Admittedly, a little more differentiation of the various phenomena we call love would not have hurt the article, especially since the author is certainly aware of them. I think that in this respect the heading is also rather misleading and as a default did not necessarily encourage appropriate differentiation in the text.
Hello Tim,
I really appreciate most of your publications. But here, in my opinion, you have fallen for an old trap: falling in love, the intoxication of being in love has NOTHING, but absolutely nothing to do with love. Love begins when being in love is over. And even then, love is far from being what is called or what some think it is. Hurts, humiliations etc. To accept "out of love" has absolutely nothing to do with it, but on the contrary is just a lack of love for oneself. Almost all the examples in your text talk about hormonal rush, about being in love, not about love itself. Besides, real love has a purpose: to lift us above our ego. From I to YOU, as they say. If two really love each other, but then can’t agree on who moves in with whom because both would have to give up a good job – sorry, how pathetic is that!? what has that got to do with love? I think nothing.
For (poetic) enlightenment I recommend the poem by Khalil Gibran "Of love" – just google it.
It’s just a decision: do you want love, really love, then follow her. It will lift you up. But do you just want a pleasant life, comfortable, quiet, then you better stay in your preconceived lane and move on… you will have a pleasant, quiet, boring life.
Love, if you really follow it, will lift you above your ego. It is not pleasant for a long time – but sometime it is worth it!
I just found it very amusing to read the post, but it really has absolutely nothing to do with love.
So I totally agree with you and I think that only after "falling in love" you can feel the love or not!
Staying with someone who humiliates you, you lack self-worth and self-love.
That sounds simple, Gerhard. Follow love and rise above your ego. Where are you then arrived, if you followed the love? You opened yourself, dared to trust, accepted, gave up a part of your expectations, for a hope. And the sexual attraction is intact, especially if then the thinking goes limp. Also the wanting and other needs are alive, and last but not least fears that seemed to be covered up and also seem to be settled the next day. How great must the pain be then, so that enough strength appears, for the separation work and the suppressed sadness? For all the suffering, sexual attraction is still considered the most important factor in whether a couple stays together.
Yes, Gerhard, your contribution to this I find really appropriate. You have been able to put into words what I would have liked to express. Thank you!
@Gerhard : The contribution is not from Tim, but from Romy&
I liked the post a lot, although I have given up faith in love.
My consolation is that I also assume that we are in the world , to gain experience and
learn from them and get ahead. If not in this, then maybe in the next life.
the talk about love… gaaaahn!
snore this endless palaber about this yawning boring crap, i can’t hear this topic anymore
there are so many great beautiful other exciting beautiful love things in the world
z.b. visit grandma, or make a trip to the beautiful netherlands&
or jumping into the box together and sleeping together
but thisernballast and what is not brought in there everything at expectations, that chokes everyone the air already in the germ
I’m getting tired of this topic and it’s getting so annoying. (no, I am not frustrated, alone or anything else, but just happy and free)
greetings to all, throw off the ballast and stop thinking or reading about this crap
rather live, you live only today&
@Walther von der Vogelweide: that is exactly the point, thank you& have made me laugh and inspired me.
I would see it all the same in the end.
Only in this sense I think you are talking about being in love and that is really not enough.
Love develops over years and is not directly the great love as I find.
On the other hand, for me a certain part of tummy tingling still belongs to it.
I have been with my husband for 11 years and I can only confirm the friendship qualities.
This is mega important.
That when you have problems you can also talk.
If you have problems, you have someone to help you.
going through bad times together.
Is a big portion that contributes to long love.
Then it can overcome many things.
And that’s right whether it is enough you must then decide for yourself.
With us it is enough for 11 years the love,
that defintitively grows.
It was all very interesting here.Especially that of Frank and Gerhard.Thank you very much for the "Of Love" by Khalil Gibran…beautifully simple…
Beautiful text – and so true! I have been happily married to my best friend for 21 years…… love greetings and thank you for the enriching blog!
If it is love, one/woman can deal with the weaknesses of the other…one/woman loves the other as he/she is…or one/woman separates because one/woman cannot deal with the quirks of the other….
A very nice contribution and it is true: Love alone is not enough (for long).
If the described basics are missing and the ideas of life live too differently, sooner or later someone will fall by the wayside.
If my heart says yes, but my gut keeps saying no, there’s a reason for that.
With all love, the love for oneself must always remain in the foreground. Nevertheless, every unhappy love is not in vain, one learns from it and grows from it, that is at least my experience&
Hello Dear Tim, and hello to everyone reading this,
in addition there are some valuable knowledge texts:…
"Love is the child of freedom" by Michael Lukas Moeller
" The truth begins in two" by the same one,
"Words of love" also from the same
"Opportunity makes love" also by Michael Lukas Moeller
This man was our (mine and my former husband’s) couples therapist…. what this has changed in my life is of lasting value.
Unfortunately he died in 2002 – his wife Celia Maria Fatia, Frankfurt am Main, continues his "legacy. You have also created the "Zwiegesprache"…. It is valuable at least because it fundamentally changes the couple relationship in terms of responsibility, commitment and freedom as well as conflict ability and the realization that in a True Relationship there is no compromise as widely believed, but Real Conflict Clarification and WIN WIN Relationships – this affects the couple, their children, their friendships and environment. This means real compassion, empathy and acceptance of the otherness of the other person. And this is a HUGE THING!! This ability is spiritual greatness !
I love it& This is commitment in freedom…
1. Love does not mean that you fit together – but it is a good basis for mutual adjustment and acceptance. Of course it’s about a process that demands everyone too.
2. Love does not solve relationship problems – if not love, then what?? "None" is completely off the mark here. Of course, practical needs are also important and can hinder a deeper and longer relationship. But love can also exist without closeness and Beziehug, also parallel to another love relationship.
3. Love is not worth every sacrifice – logo, nothing is worth feeling like a victim. And one-sided love does not change anything compelling.
Love is in my opinion probably the most important thing in life. But just not related only in one direction, as it is presented here. I find the all-embracing love important and true, and this includes (this comes too short for me in this article) also the love FOR YOURSELF. If I love a man who does not seem to love me as I love him, because he lies to me and cheats on me and perhaps even does violence to me, then I must leave him (even if I love him) out of love FOR MYSELF. Very clear.
Nice article. I know the text of Mark Manson – a really good text, which speaks a lot of truth.
True. Relationships are not always a bed of roses. But they broaden our horizon. If the relationship remains, the differences also rub against each other enough and we (hopefully) increasingly accept the other as he is. Wanting to change becomes less and our development goes ahead with it. If the relationship is not very one-sided, we win with it.
Love helps. For it also means willingness to suffer. Unless it is rather head-love and thus want-to-have.
Not fitting together makes practical togetherness difficult and sugar-coating even less so. At least when the rose colored glasses fall away after 1-2 years. If you understand with love also living together, it becomes difficult. So first check whether it also fits. No one will change easily.
Making sacrifices and hoping also has limited prospects of success.
How much this text speaks from my soul. I just ended a relationship myself that I fought for over 2 years, adapting, putting my needs on hold and giving up my dreams. To be with this great love. I am 39 now and I am not in a relationship anymore – it scares me, it is bitter. But I couldn’t give up my last dream, to start a family, to have a chance to become a mom. He does not want that. Already has 2 children. Doesn’t want stress, no school, no more diapers…It wants me and a nice life, but without children together. It feels like a serious lie against myself when I try to imagine living this life. Even though I love him! Love is not enough. Unfortunately I believed in it too. Believed he’d change his attitude because of the way he felt about me. But people do not change in such basic things. There were many other issues between us. I trust my feelings and my decision and am grateful to him for letting me know my value system: where I can compromise and fight for and where it remains uncompromising for me and I let go. Thank you for this so important post!
great article, well to the point.
When couples find it’s not enough despite everything, they usually lack a shared vision. That’s when it helps to ask yourself the question: Where do we want to go together?
Warm greetings
Maren Sorensen
The older I get, the clearer it becomes that with more life experience the attitude towards love also changes. From being in love becomes love, which unites being in love and a firm friendship. Above all, there are many ways of living together. One couple likes to spend almost all time together, the other lives more distance and independence. And if there are hobbies that your partner doesn’t want to share, then it’s good to have the freedom to do these things as well.
"The meaning of life comes only from love. That is, the more we are able to love and surrender, the more meaningful our lives become."Hermann Hesse
Greetings from Osnabruck
For many years I have followed you, dear Tim and your work.
Your words are so true!!
I hope that many read this post to be warned not to suffer so much too.
I believed in great love, I thought LOVE CAN DO ANYTHING… I think the ONLY thing that was not lacking in my marriage was love. But it is not enough. We thought through our love we’d get it right, thought opposites attract, but actually we bent for years for our love. Until we no longer recognized each other in the mirror. 3 depressive years later the separation. How much time we wasted, how we destroyed ourselves for our love.
Love alone is not enough.
Then I have found the perfect man for me, same preferences, same life rhythm – everything a perfect dream – except: love is missing.
I wonder if there is an ideal mixture of love& fit together at all or if we all have to ‘die a death somewhere’…
What if love or supposed love comes knocking! Everything new, everything interesting, finally someone who is exactly the one who understands you or is the supposed better one!
Suddenly you realize that you have not even given your partner the opportunity to grow together or to be your best friend. Also just didn’t talk and lost sight of the common goal. Then where is the love, then who is the love!
A very great article and I can only agree with your friend’s recommendation. I had two relationships before my husband. The first one was passionate in every way. Great physical attraction and terrible arguer. She cost me unspeakable nerves and after the breakup my self-worth was in the basement. "Never again will I be able to love a man like this" I thought and started a "relationship of convenience" for two years. This man was boring and that’s exactly what I wanted because it meant security. No quarrel – but no physical passion either. I got tired of him and then I stopped having relationships. I spent a lot of time with myself and a man came into my life. Quietly, without bombs and grenades, without the big flash with pink hearts. We were friends for 1,5 years. He knew me, I knew him and there was no need to show yourself more beautiful, better, stronger. We were just us and then came the evening when friendship became something more or should I say it was added to the friendship something more?
4 months later we were engaged and another year later we got married. Next week we will be married 10 years. He is my best friend, my ally, my partner (I love this word because it simply shows equality). We talk about everything, take the other as he is and look after each other.
After a few years I often thought about what was different about this relationship from the previous ones and came to two conclusions.
1. He is my friend – not my friend but my friend. You don’t cheat on a friend, you like a friend as he is. With a friend we are on the same wavelength, but have enough differences to maintain a liveliness. It’s a deep and abiding affection – no fireworks, no kitsch – simple humility and an ember that keeps warm for a long time.
2. In my first relationship, my heart leapt, but my brain often thought: What are you doing??. In my second relationship the ratio was enthusiastic – finally no stress, but the heart remained cold. And finally came the relationship with which the heart AND the brain agreed.
These are my findings on the subject of love and one more thing: It is important to distinguish between infatuation and love – they are simply two different things.
Hello, it is well written, but I do not agree on one thing. In the example of the long distance relationship – one in Munich, one in Cologne: if neither of them can imagine moving to the other, then it is not real love (maybe just the rose-colored glasses, which should not be confused with love) If it is real love, then the closeness to the other is important to both of them and they would probably want to move to the other.both want to move in with the other. People can have the same hobbies, if there is not real love, it will be broken. And the athlete with lean curd will, if he loves, go out for a romantic dinner, because he knows that his partner likes it, and his partner, if she really loves him, will understand that sport is important for him. It is about appreciation and not about negotiating. Otherwise, it is namely arange, and of course similar people are good at that. However, it’s interesting to note that everyone’s take on love is a little different, probably.it will be related to what kind of people we are, pragmatic, or dreamy. Nevertheless, I think that when love is involved, almost anything goes, after all, we are looking for what complements us. Gabriela
One more thing I forgot, of course it doesn’t work if the real love is one-sided, and the other half doesn’t love genuinely. Then you probably suffer. Years, you have to be lucky that it is the real one on both sides, and that is not so easy. G.