Learning to let go

What do I have to take into account when separating the fish??

Separation with child

Help with disconnection

Image: Learning to let go
Picture: Learning to let go


It is perfectly normal and okay to mourn and wish for your partner back after a breakup. However, in order to come to terms with the breakup and be able to look forward again, it is important not to lose yourself in unrealistic daydreams of a future with your ex-partner. Instead, you should in small steps try to actively Future without your partner imagine and learn to let go.


  • Letting go does not mean forgetting.
  • Without letting go, you can’t look forward, make new plans, or commit to a new relationship.
  • Letting go always means Acceptance of the situation.

Table of Contents

Practical tips for you

Tip 1: A new beginning is not possible without acceptance
Without accepting that the partner will not come back, neither new beginnings nor new relationships are possible.

Tip 2: Remove personal items
Put away all objects that might remind you of the former partner. This includes wearing donated clothes, making the double bed, etc.

Tip 3: Keep your distance from the social media accounts
Avoid looking at the other person’s social media profiles, even if it’s difficult. Seeing each other’s activities on a regular basis makes it hard to get over the breakup.

What does it mean to learn to let go??

Letting go basically means nothing more than coming to terms with a situation as it is. Letting go means Accept circumstances as they are, Not to fight against it, not to try to change it, but to accept it and to live on with these changed circumstances.

Think of letting go in terms of a sports fisherman who has a big fish on the hook. He doesn’t want to kill the fish, he just wants to catch it, photograph it and then put it back. He tries to reel in the line, but he can’t, the fish is too big. No matter what he tries, he can’t get the fish to the boat. In the duel both suffer, the angler’s hands and arms hurt, the small boat sways and threatens to capsize, and the fish understandably fights for its life. If the angler finally realizes that he cannot reel in the fish, the only reasonable solution is to let it go. The fish swims away and the angler will not see it again. He has lost it and in all likelihood will never make that one catch again. He will probably have sore muscles the next day from the duel with the fish and the fish will also need time to recover, but eventually both will go on with their lives. The angler, once he has overcome his sore muscles, will take the boat out again to fish and the fish will also keep snapping at worms, even if that one with the hook almost cost him his life.

What cannot exist together, does best to detach itself.

Friedrich Schiller (1759 – 1805)

What could have happened if the angler had not let go? First of all, the duel would have continued, with pain for both participants. Perhaps the fish would have died of exhaustion and at worst the boat would have capsized and the fisherman would have drowned. Letting go was in this case exactly the right decision and to do so, it was important to realize that the desire to catch up with Pisces would not be fulfilled.

It’s a bit like that in real life, too, when you occasionally have to realize that you can’t achieve a goal or that something you want won’t come true. So in terms of a breakup, letting go means that you should Accept that the partner will not come back, that things will never be the same again as they were before the breakup and that this life plan you had together with your ex-partner has finally failed. Only when you have succeeded in doing so, you can look forward again and make new plans.

The opposite of letting go: Hold-on-

Yes, the opposite of letting go is holding down. Physically, after a breakup, it is not possible to hold on to the ex-partner. You sit alone in the new, or even worse, in the former shared apartment and miss the ex-partner and wish him back. The worst thing you can do now is surround yourself with photos of him, put on pajamas of him, lie on his side of the bed, listen to his favorite CD, read his favorite book or watch his favorite movie.

Thus, psychologically holding on to the ex-partner, doing everything possible to make it appear that he or she is nearby, about to walk in the door, or to call.

Of course, this desire is very understandable and there will also be one or two days after the breakup when you just can’t help but surround yourself with many things that remind you of the ex-partner and just wish he would be back again. But this behavior must not get out of hand, because otherwise you will be completely paralyzed by it and unable to cope with the new, the real reality without the ex-partner. The relationship is over, but life goes on and it can only do that if you also give it the chance to do so.

Expert Tip: The all-important letting go is often compared to giving up or resignation. In our culture we learn from childhood to try harder, to fight when things don’t work out. This behavior is easily transferred to a separation situation, where you try to fight to get your partner back. However, this almost always ends up dragging out the breakup unnecessarily and making you suffer from the situation longer than necessary, because you are simply not ready to let go, but persistently hold on to something that no longer exists in that way. If the partner clearly states that he or she wants to break up, it’s best to keep this Decision, as difficult as it is to accept and learn to live with it.

What are the consequences if we cannot let go??

If the ex-partner can’t let go at all after a breakup, that can be serious effectsn have. Sometimes one of the ex-partners gets so caught up in the past love that he just doesn’t want to accept the breakup. He "picks up the partner from work" or "happens to be waiting" in front of his house, but in reality he lies in wait for the ex-partner and tries to take every opportunity to be close to him. Writes hundreds of SMS or Whats-App messages, calls all the time and then blames the ex-partner when they don’t answer or don’t answer the phone.

If an ex-partner can’t let go, the former love develops into an obsession and addiction in extreme cases. Often it comes in this context also to regular stalking and finds the stalked ex-partner then a new love, it can also lead to further offences such as damage to property or even bodily harm. In these cases, the victim has no choice but to involve the police and obtain a restraining order criminalizing these behaviors.

But it doesn’t have to get that extreme to have consequences at least for the ex-partner who is unable to let go. Especially people who tend to give up themselves in a relationship and do everything for the partner, fall into a deep, dark hole when the relationship is over and don’t know how to get out of it anymore. They tend to idealize the ex-partner, ascribing to him in retrospect qualities he never had in reality, putting him on a pedestal and worshipping him almost like a deity. In this way, they completely lose touch with reality and the ability to let go, look ahead and To design a new life plan and to pursue it.

If you really can’t get away from your ex-partner even after a long time, if your thoughts are still circling around him or her day and night even after months, it really is time to get professional help. Friends and relatives should also keep an eye out if someone becomes so extremely in love with the ex-partner during a breakup and is no longer able to let go.

Expert Tip: After the end of a relationship, do you notice that your thoughts only revolve around your ex-partner, and does this not change even after a few weeks?, you have to become active, in order not to get into a vicious circle from which you find it difficult to get out again. First of all you can start with the Help from friends try to take your mind off things. However, if you find that you cannot do this on your own, do not hesitate to seek professional help from a counseling center or a psychologist.

How can I learn to cope with a separation by letting go??

Letting go does not mean forgetting your ex-partner or not having feelings for him or her from one day to the next. It also doesn’t mean rushing headlong into a new relationship with a club conquest. Letting go means much more, to accept the situation as it is now, with all the pain, anger, sadness and disappointment that always comes with a breakup. Accepting the situation helps you realize the loss and deal with it. In this way, you can come to terms with the loss slowly, day by day, and learn to live your life under the new conditions.

The life plan you had together with your ex-partner failed, it won’t be exactly the same with anyone else, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be at some point could become just as good or even better with another partner. But in order to allow this to happen, you first have to say goodbye to the failed life plan and the ex-partner and let go of both.

Letting go means realizing that there is nothing here anymore that could benefit or do you any good, as much as you might wish it were otherwise. So look for new ways, to find your personal happiness, even though in the course of a breakup there are many, many phases in which you can’t imagine ever being happy again, let alone in love. Letting go is not something you actively do from one day to the next. Letting go is rather the process when you wake up in the morning after countless nights of crying and suddenly realize while making coffee that today, for the first time since the breakup, your first thought in the morning was not about your ex-partner. Or if you are doing your hobby or favorite activity, which you had to force yourself to do a few days ago, and suddenly realize that you were so absorbed in the last few hours that you didn’t think about your ex-partner. These stretches will get longer and longer, and eventually you will have gotten over the breakup and emotionally detached from the ex-partner. You have let go of. You cannot force this and it is not an active action, but you must let it happen. Because if you hold on to something that no longer exists, you can’t let go. Rather, by holding on, you will remain trapped in an emotional state for a long time, from which you will not be able to break free, because you are holding on there. Letting go can’t be learned, there is no step by step guide for letting go, but there are some behaviors that facilitate letting go or prevent.

Learning to let go – outlook: Tips and tricks

There is no patent remedy for letting go of a loved one from one day to the next. But there are things you can do or not do that will make it easier for you to let go.

Expert tip: A To master separation takes time and during this time, emotions such as sadness, anger, despair, disappointment and also hope also have their place. But you should always be careful not to get lost in these feelings and lose the Keeping in touch with life.

Glossary for the article:

  • Mediation

Written by: iurFRIEND editorial team

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