If your ex has a new girlfriend, the thought has almost certainly crossed your mind: As soon as I’m gone, she gets everything I’ve always wanted. For sure he does this and that for her and for sure he changes exactly what I always told him and she reaps the fruits of my hard work."
Thoughts like this or something like it have certainly crossed your mind, right?
I can tell you: No, she will not be better off than you (on the contrary). And no, he hasn’t magically changed and is doing everything exactly the way you always wanted it to be.
Why is that?
People have patterns of behavior, and we all have patterns of relationships. These patterns are so deeply anchored in us that we do not change overnight. Not even if we want to. Changing behavior patterns and habits is work and takes discipline.
Have you ever tried changing your diet, exercising regularly, or reading a few pages a day in that elusive science book? Yes? Then you know how hard it is to get over it once in a while, or to remind yourself of the new goal, to stay on the ball.
And it is the same with relationship patterns, because they are nothing more than habits that have crept in over the years and that have been created by our experiences and our socialization.
The infatuation phase
The only exception, in which everything can (not must) go the same way for the new one!) as you always wished is the infatuation phase, because in the beginning – and you know this from your own experience – we want to present ourselves from our best side and are willing to just do everything for the other person, just so that he/she is happy. Cause it makes us happy too.
The everyday life
All this will change when the daily routine arrives, which takes about six months on average. When we get ‘used to each other’ and our everyday lives catch up with us again, our old patterns will gradually creep back in.
If your ex is not really a romantic, then after the infatuation phase he will give her flowers just as often as it did with you. If he’s a workhorse, he’ll work just as hard as he did with you. If he hangs out with his buddies several times a week and goes out for a beer, then he won’t suddenly want to trade that for tens of evenings of cuddling.
Break behavioral patterns
In order to actually change something about the way he behaves, he has to himself work on his/her patterns want. Just as you can’t influence someone’s feelings and ways of thinking, you (or the new girl) can’t change his patterns of behavior and relationship.
Changing the way we act and breaking habits can only come from ourselves, it is hard work and it requires discipline.
Your attempts and those of the new one
Now, if you think about how many times during your relationship you asked to change this and that and/or be more responsive and then look at how hard he tried or changed something: What do you think the chances are that he’ll do that for his new girlfriend? Just because your ex has a new girl doesn’t automatically mean he will change.
On the contrary, it’s easier to get a new person used to your quirks than to change yourself, isn’t it??
Is it impossible that everything will be better for her?
No, I have to say it clearly. But the probability is very low. When everything can be better or at least different for his new girlfriend than for you? If she is the right one and he is ready to work on your patterns!
I know you don’t like reading this. But there is a reason that you are apart, and if you are honest, you know it. Which one it is, remains to be seen. If it is not a temporary separation (which there is, to gather and think about how and if it can continue), the reason for separation often.
Do you want your ex back?
There are cases when a relationship works again when you get back together with your ex. I even know cases where everything got better after the breakup and couples who are even married today. In love anything is possible! Only: These are the exceptions.
In most cases it is the case that there was a trigger for the breakup and that it was, as I said, not insignificant. Often this trigger is also a behavior that the partner can’t handle:
- His work is always more important than me.
- He sees his buddies more than he sees me.
- He squanders all our money.
- He is always looking at other women.
- He is a notorious stranger.
And these are just a few examples. If you’re mourning your ex and want him back, sit down, take a deep breath, grab a pen and paper and write down what you were unhappy and dissatisfied with. And then consider if you could live with those very traits – that you couldn’t change despite love, relationship, arguments, discussions and pleas – your whole life long. And, could you..?
The bottom line
If your ex doesn’t work on his behavior pattern himself and out of intrinsic motivation and change something wants (why and for whom), then the new girlfriend will meet the ‘same fate’ as you.
No matter how in love he may be now (and yes, this is most modest phase for you, I know!), in the long run the relationship will show the same patterns as the one you had.
Try to be happy during his infatuation phase, when everything looks so perfect and flawless on the outside (not necessarily is!), distract yourself and deal with the new one as little as possible. She doesn’t deserve your attention or energy.
And try to comfort yourself with the thought that his behavior will not last. I realize of course that this is not easy for you, but try to invest the energy you would put into thinking about this into loving yourself instead.