Let’s talk about … feelings Why men should cry more often
The image of the strong man persists stubbornly in our society. At the same time, swallowing your feelings isn’t just unhealthy, it’s also bad for your relationship, says couples therapist Oliviero Lombardi. Why do men so often find it difficult to show emotion?
Stuttgart – A man does not cry. A man knows no pain. If you think that this image of the strong guy is an outdated cliche, you are mistaken. My practice is full of men who are not at peace with their feelings.
Often, the first conversations go something like this:
"Mr. Lombardi, I am so unhappy, and I know not even why. I have a super job, a great wife, earn a lot of money, but I just don’t have any fun in it."
"Then what do you enjoy?"
"Well, I know it yes not!"
This is of course very unfavorable and is often due to the fact that the men have no access to their feelings. Because only if you can listen to yourself, you know.. one what one wants. In most cases, however, the men can do nothing at all for their stunted emotionality.
The image of the strong man was created many years ago
As is often the case, the origin of this can be found in childhood. The boy learns from his father how to behave as a man. If the father seldom shows feelings or does not speak openly about them, the son at first looks at them unfiltered. This process happens subconsciously, but can shape you for a lifetime. Of course, one inevitably wonders where the father’s cool behavior came from. First of all, the answer is simple: he also took it from his father, the latter from his father and so on. This suggests that the image of the strong man was created many years ago.
Let’s take a look at the past: Thousands of years ago, men were still on the hunt. Not attaching importance to feelings, but being robust, was probably an advantage and has therefore prevailed in evolutionary terms. Or, to put it harshly: The whiners have probably died out at some point and the machos have survived. What was an advantage with the Neanderthals, leads nowadays however rather to problems. Because a man’s job is no longer to fight with saber-toothed tigers and to bring enough food for the woman. Today men and women meet differently.
Women are allowed to show their feelings
If feelings are not talked about, then a relationship lacks depth. Depth, however, is a decisive and sustainable element for a happy and long-term partnership. If you only ever meet on a superficial level, you will have nothing more to say to each other after six months.
It is also typical that the woman has a problem with the man showing her too little love or simply not telling her that he loves her. Women usually deal with their emotions in a completely different way from their partners. They are socially allowed to show emotions. Often it is even attributed to them as a competence. That’s why we still see mostly women in communication professions and mostly men in technical professions. Women also communicate more privately. They often work out their frustration through conversations, not infrequently with other women. Men are more likely to throw themselves into work, do a lot of sports or drink alcohol.
To be always strong can have health consequences
The woman may not take its partner its cool kind however krummnehmen. Often it even has its share in the situation. Many women still want a strong man, someone they can lean on. They often don’t realize that it’s a contradiction to want a macho man on the one hand and someone to cry with on the other. In many cases, the partner must first learn to find access to his feelings. The woman can help him. That means always inviting them to talk, asking and appreciating when the man opens up.
Often you run open doors with men. They’re usually not happy with their always-strong-ness either, because that’s incredibly exhausting. It may work in the short term, but at some point, tough guys get to the point where they’re burned out, have depression or a midlife crisis.
Then it often comes to the realization that I told you about in the beginning. The men realize that they are unhappy, but have no idea why. You should have listened to yourself better. And maybe even cried more often.
Read here the other parts of our column series "Let’s talk about . talk."