We are rarely of the same opinion, especially during separations. While one partner wants to separate, the other is often faced with a fait accompli, suddenly single and alone again. Heartbreak because of a breakup represents one of the biggest and most painful losses of control. Being abandoned is one of the worst events in life. Precisely for this reason, the question is incessantly haunting the minds of most: Come back to me?
A blog post about it, How and if to get your ex back and how it definitely not Works.
Does he come back to me again? Between hope, heartbreak and strategy
I am frequently asked by readers and clients if and how best to win back your ex: "Will he come back to me on his own?"
- "Or should I give him time and wait and see??"
- "Should I call?"
- "Should I talk to his friends?"
- "Does he maybe have a new/someone new?"
- "Am I to blame?"
- "What is going on in him?"
The separation brings a huge spectrum of feelings with it: Some complain to the partner Fear of loss and relationship; others put the full responsibility on themselves or live in Guilt and shame about what happened to them. They suffer from deep heartache, want to win back their boyfriend or husband at any cost. Desperate to find reasons, they analyze and interpret, hoping to understand the decision of the loved one. While many try to let go and accept the breakup, others hope that it is not over yet. They believe that if they found THEIR mistake, they could make up for it. They talk to mutual friends or family; they seek advice from fortune tellers or astrologers. They distract themselves from the breakup with transition partners, sports, or anything else to avoid feeling their fear of not being good enough.
What’s going on inside your ex partner
Breakups are almost never 100 percent amicable, and on both sides there is a deep desire. Whether the ex will come back or not, however, no one can answer without a doubt – mostly not even those who have separated. My experience shows me that dead feelings are also rarely the reason for a breakup. As is so often the case, fears that push themselves from the subconscious into the conscious play a major role in the decision. They forced the partner to withdraw. Fears, however, are an invitation that can only be refused consciously and resolutely. Relationship fears and following separations are now once similar to panic: They express themselves through a violent flight reflex from.
The normal flight reflex in case of arguments or closeness-distance-problems also means: Only when those had withdrawn, their fear ebbs away slowly from. The stress hormones go down again. Many then realize what they did and the consequences it will/could have on their lives. From my experience, we are talking here about three to ten days.
At the latest, they see not only the supposedly good results of the separation. Fall to you also and even more so the negative ones on: That they too are people who don’t like to be alone. That they, too, have feelings that run rampant and are difficult to deal with. That they also long for love and attention, but are also afraid of too much closeness or of missing out on something (fear of the future, fear of losing themselves). They want security and safety, but know the responsibility that comes with a relationship. They want to fulfill the needs of others, but fear losing themselves in the process. They themselves do not want heartbreak either.
The motivation for a breakup can be so individual, different and, above all, double-edged, so that people who break up often don’t know themselves exactly whether it was the right decision. Therefore, the famous saying "wait and see" is not a bad advice.
One thing is also certain: There are very, very safe ways to approach your ex not Winning back. In them there are likewise ways how it can work out to win back your ex:
Tips: How to win back your ex – and how definitely not
No-Go 1: Trying to convince him otherwise – no matter what it takes
Pestering him, blaming him, flooding him with your emotions, or guilt-tripping him into coming back to you will backfire. It pushes him into a corner he wanted to get out of. It oppresses his own feelings, which he has to sort out. It suffocates him in the moments when he wants to breathe freely to come back to himself. Only when he has come back to himself and has felt his feelings, he can want to come back to you. But if he is overwhelmed with your emotions or even guilt and shame, his anxiety will only increase.
Many therefore advise a contact ban – that is to say: You do not. Because of nothing. Anything that would need to be discussed will have to wait. Of course, if there are children involved, don’t let them get caught in the middle or be used as a relationship-saver and friend-getter. However, in cases of joint children, no contact won’t do any good. Such a no-contact rule should only have the effect of not making him feel more pressured and isolated from you. It may not be a punishment that would trigger guilt again. Cause then he’d only come back to you because he thinks he has to.
The best thing for you (and him) is to become acutely aware of your own fear and look for a good strategy within yourself there.
- How can you best deal with your anxiety? (It is ideal to also ask yourself how you would make it worse. This is a trick from coaching.)
- What is the best way to distract yourself while waiting, instead of fighting against his decision?? (More about this in point 5.)
- In which reasons of separation do you see a spark of truth or relevance for your life?
- What did your life look like before the relationship? What did you enjoy? What have you spent your free time doing?
- How did it feel to be YOU?
- What about and in you came up short in the relationship?
- What could you revive now?
Be there for you and love yourself, especially NOW, even if you feel that you are not lovable. Direct your gaze inwards and not outwards to him.
No-Go 2: Talking to his/her/their friends or winning others over for you and the non-separation
In a long term relationship you often share friends or his were also to yours. It is not appropriate to talk to them about your boyfriend’s decision, nor to ask them to talk to him for you. He needs his friends now for himself and his emotional turmoil. Instead, turn to your friends and family for comfort and emotional support.
For many mutual friends it also represents a "between the chairs" situation. You don’t know, despite great empathy and understanding, how best to act. But forcing it is better, for all sides, not to make his decision their business.
The same is true, of course, for his parents or other family members and caregivers.
No-Go 3: Jealousy and transition partners
When we have been hurt, in the rush of fear, we tend to look for means to reduce our suffering. We want to pretend to be strong and superior, not to show pain, but to hit back, precisely because it is supposed to hurt the boyfriend or husband. This is why many women seek out playmates and transitional men. With them, they deliberately go out on a Friday night chic and smelling good, so that the partner sees it, or they post on Facebook& Co. Appropriate pictures and status messages to say: I’m doing fantastic (without you)!
What looks like a good idea is actually a big pitfall. Because, if you want to win your ex back, you should give him not too much Demonstrate how and that he would be incredibly easy to replace. (That it is often still much too early for someone else, you will notice by the way all by yourself, at the latest at the first physical contact with the other person.)
Although psychology has proven that jealousy is one of the most effective strategies to keep your partner from cheating. But giving your ex the feeling that he is worthless anyway or that you are already in bed with someone else will not underline your love for him. Quite the opposite. It will reinforce his decision.
No-Go 4: Stay friends
After a breakup there must be boundaries. Distance is good to come to terms with the new situation. It also allows both parties to reflect on themselves and the partnership and see the relationship and what was less good about it as it was. The less you are reminded that he (no longer) exists and that he (currently) does not want to be with you, the easier it will be to find your way again. This is crucial.
Your ex will notice when you find your way back into life again. He will see that he is no longer the center of your life. He will notice that you have abilities he has never known before. This will make you attractive to him again. Especially if you think your ex is suffering from relationship anxiety, he will jump at this new YOU. But if you remained friends, your concentration would be only on him and when you would see him again. It moves you away from yourself. Therefore force yourself to be there for you. The rest will take care of itself.
No-Go 5: Arguing with reality and dismissing his decision as wrong
Neither will it do you any good to argue with him, nor will it help you to argue with yourself and reality. Instead, stay calm (as hard as it may be for you). Behave the way you used to behave.
However, when dealing with your ex, you should become even more reserved than before. If he writes or calls you, talks to you or gives other signals, keep your voice short and neutral. Do not comment on his decision. Don’t drop snide remarks, but demonstrate to him that you respect him and his feelings and can accept his decision. (You don’t have any other choice at the moment. Going against the will of someone who has told you several times that he is serious about breaking up can be a sign of your love, but it is not the only thing you can do. But his reactions to these first attempts will have demonstrated to you whether he wants you to fight – or not. Focus on what he is telling you and showing you, rather than on your fears.)
The more composed (in response to his breakup, not in the sense of iciness or harsh rejection) you act toward him, the less you project your feelings onto him. The less he notices your hurt feelings, the less he will feel pressured and the more he will notice his hurt feelings. The more he becomes aware of his emotions, the closer he gets to himself and the real reasons for his breakup. This always includes fear.
To-Do: Enjoy all strategy guides with caution!
Be strong! Dress up great! Pick up! Accept! Buy yourself new high heels! Go out with others! Find another man as a transition! Say that you hardly have time! Be different from who you really are! etc.
These and similar tips can be found all over the Internet in commercial guidebooks. I think you should take this with a grain of salt. It’s the same here as it is everywhere else with manipulations: They can work or backfire. But the more you pretend or present yourself as a catwoman, whom nothing and nobody can harm, the sooner your ex will notice it – not necessarily for the better. Inauthenticity and insecurity are irritating or even repulsive, especially with ex-partners we know inside and out.
Even if he jumps at your manipulative new self, he will quickly realize that it was just an act to get him back. If you really want to change because of you and in the long run. So your ex can fall in love with you anew and see that you can change and have changed – for your sake, but mainly because of you. All others short term and "Please love me!" -Strategies will be noticed at the latest when you take off your mask again.