Pregnant after miscarriage – 5 reasons why everything is different.
After a roller coaster ride of emotions, chaos, confusion, sadness and joy there is a ray of hope for us. Our vacation in Gran Canaria bore fruit. We are pregnant again. Pregnant again and finally after miscarriage.
Last year, too, the joy was great when I held a positive pregnancy test in my hands. Full of enthusiasm and overjoyed, I threw all our travel plans overboard and concentrated fully on the pregnancy. I was full of confidence and never thought in my life that a miscarriage would burst our dreams like soap bubbles.
I will never forget the moment when I was sitting happily in the waiting room, looking forward to a glimpse of the ultrasound monitor and the life that was tenderly growing inside me. And then, in the next moment, comes the big shock, when the doctor announces to me. "Your baby’s heart has stopped beating". I fell into a black hole and our plans collapsed like a house of cards.
We had the "extracted material" genetically tested after the curettage. All is well. We would have had a little girl if everything had gone well.
After countless examinations and check-ups, the doctors have found a possible cause for the miscarriage. I have a clotting disorder that could be responsible for it. But of course there is no hundred percent certainty. Fortunately, this is treatable, with daily injections and close monitoring during pregnancy.
In this post, I’ll tell you a little about my second pregnancy after miscarriage and why everything is different after a miscarriage.
On my Instagram channel Levartworld I take you with me into our new life in Norway and our travels with baby and child.
Getting pregnant again after miscarriage
The grief for our little girl was great but already a few weeks later I felt the urge to fill the void inside me. Although the first pregnancy was not a planned pregnancy, the desire for a baby was now as great as never before. With so-called ovulation test strips and the temperature method (double is better) I have determined the perfect days of each month for conception. Finally, about five months later, I’m holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand again.
Update: After more miscarriages I am pregnant again. You can read about our journey to the third child here.
Fear, my constant companion during pregnancy after miscarriage
In the second pregnancy after the miscarriage, the first three months dragged on like chewing gum. I couldn’t think of anything else but the little being inside me and that it would hopefully survive in my apparently less than optimal body. I was terrified that the heart of our second long-awaited baby would stop beating.
My positive attitude and incredible joy are blown away. I am afraid to be too happy and too optimistic about the future. I am afraid of making too many plans involving the baby and also very afraid of doing something wrong.
The checkups and even the prenatal exam that I looked forward to so much in my first pregnancies were pure torture. Already days before the appointment I could hardly sleep at night. At each ultrasound appointment, I waited for my readings like a defendant waiting for his verdict.
I was helped a little bit later by a home fetal doppler, which allowed me to hear the baby’s heartbeat almost every day from week 8+3. But such a device can also be treacherous. In the beginning it took me forever to find the heartbeat and that can make you pretty crazy.
Loneliness in pregnancy after miscarriage.
I immediately told everyone about my first and second pregnancies. I was overjoyed and wanted to shout it out into the world. One month later I had to deliver the negative news. Not a nice feeling.
I didn’t want to make the same mistake a second time with my next pregnancy. Before we told anyone, we waited a long time. On the one hand, it made me feel safe, but on the other hand, it made me feel lonely not being able to talk about my fears and hopes. My pregnancy became a mystery instead of joyful news.
Guilt and self-doubt in pregnancy after miscarriage.
I enjoyed the last pregnancy to the fullest, from the very first minute. I made plans to exercise regularly and enrolled in yoga classes. In pregnancy after miscarriage, the self-doubt came from the worry that any wrong decision could end my pregnancy prematurely. I often question my actions. I am afraid to go jogging because I went jogging during my last pregnancy. I was afraid of lifting heavy objects or of not having enough to drink. I have become much more cautious and walk through the world like on raw eggs.
After a miscarriage, the idea that you can take control of your destiny is insanely tempting. I try to do everything "right" and that is not so easy at all.
Waiting for pregnancy signs in pregnancy after miscarriage.
Signs of pregnancy such as morning sickness, breast tenderness and fatigue are annoying for many mistresses. I longed for it. Unfortunately, I am not one of those women who suffer from morning sickness. I have been watching my body closely. I wanted to feel that everything is okay and that the baby is growing. I was happy about every little symptom, like a honey-cake horse. But then the doubts came again. I envied other women who complained about morning sickness. Incredibly.
Only little joy – Pregnant after miscarriage.
In the current pregnancy, after the miscarriage, I am afraid of feeling too much joy for the baby. I am afraid to get involved with the little being inside me. I bought the first baby rompers only now and with every purchase I catch myself thinking what will happen to them if there is no baby for us after all. A thought that I quickly put out of my mind, but which inhibits the joy of having a baby.
Also there are very few baby bump photos. The motivation to photograph a baby bump is not so great. I can’t enjoy pregnancy the way I did before the miscarriage.
Now I am already in the 22. I am in the second week of pregnancy and slowly starting to relax. Now I’m waiting for the magic limit, from which the baby has a good chance to survive, if it should be born earlier. What I hope not.
But the miscarriage has changed me a lot and also shaped me. My emotional world is no longer the same. A negative aftertaste has remained.
A miscarriage is a scar that will never fade completely. No matter how much time passes. The shadow of this gigantic loss is always present. Even in the second pregnancy.
Addendum: In the meantime our sunshine was born healthy and happy in our new home country Norway. Here you can read the Birth Report.
This drastic event made us think about our life, about what is really important. We have therefore decided to emigrate to Norway and let our children grow up in harmony with nature. You can find all posts about our life in Norway here. You can also find a lot of articles about life and travel with a baby on my blog.