BILD series: Psychotricks for love, part 2 | How well fit
"Is he or she really right for me??"Many people in a relationship ask themselves this question from time to time – regardless of whether they have just met or have been together for many years.
“Why thinking won”t get into our heads” by Volker Kitz and Manuel Tusch, 288 pages, Heyne Verlag, 8.99 euros Photo: Random House
But how do I know if it fits or if I should keep looking??
How good a relationship is can be judged by clear criteria, says bestselling author Dr. Volker Kitz.
In his book "Why thinking won"t get into our heads. Even more useful insights of everyday psychology" (together with Dr. Manuel Tusch, 288 pages, Heyne Verlag, 8.99 euros), he reveals the rules that make us all tick.
Part 2 of the BILD series: How to assess your prospects correctly
Read here the safest methods to check your relationship and the most important psychological effects for love and partnership.
Count similarities and differences
"Opposites attract," as the saying goes. But no couple ever says: "We"re breaking up because we"re both Like to watch soccer."
In the long run, the commonalities hold together, the differences drift apart.
Right is the popular saying only for the short affair: The completely different partner is actually more satisfying.
► On the other hand, if you want to clarify your long-term perspective, ask yourself honestly: How similar are we really??
Calculate deposits and withdrawals
Our brain keeps accurate records of what we invest in a relationship and what we get out of it. On the one hand, material items such as rent advantages in the joint apartment count here. On the other hand, intangible things like the good-night kiss or the annoyance that a partner doesn"t keep appointments.
If we permanently pay in more than we get out, the relationship makes us unhappy.
► That’s how calculating we all really are – at least unconsciously, whether we want to admit it or not. That’s why you can also consciously sit down once and create your own personal bank statement.
Look at the overall account – but not too much
Whether we end up separating from a partner, however, depends on more than just the current cash in and cash out.
The rule is: If I have invested particularly much in the relationship in the past (for example, with a move for the partner or raising children together), then I am more likely to maintain the relationship. Even if it is not good for me at the moment. It’s like the stock market: The more someone loses with a share, the more likely he is to hold on to it – in the hope that it will rise again some day.
► Thinking like this is not fundamentally wrong. But in the stock market, as in love, don’t miss the right time to exit and accept past losses rather than fall further into the red forever.
Love goes through the nose
We fall in love with those we like to smell. Now researchers want to create perfumes for partner selection with the nose.
Compare your names
Sounds crazy, but it’s true: We especially like people whose names contain many letters from our own name. So if in doubt, someone named Felix is more likely to find an Eli likeable than a Sarah. This could actually be proven in studies.
The reason: Our brain loves everything that is familiar to it! And nothing is as familiar to him as the letters in our own name.
► Of course, you should not base your choice of partner solely on this "name-letter effect"! But just check how it looks with you – maybe you will get an additional indication after all.
Handle pro and con lists properly
By the way, all these considerations should only be made if you are insecure or dissatisfied with your relationship! If you’re doing well, it’s best not to brood.
Because thinking about happiness can destroy it: For example, someone who is asked to write down in experiments what they particularly like about their partner is much more likely to break up afterwards than someone who has not thought about it at all.
► We can only list the things that we can put into words. Especially in love, however, many circumstances play a role that we are not even aware of. A pro-and-con list then leads us to wrong decisions.
New BILD series
Spring fever in love? BILD shows you here how you can use psychological tricks to wrap your sweetheart around your finger.