Finding oneself: the prerequisite for unconditional self-expression

find oneself

Is it about unconditional self-expression, then my thoughts immediately drift back to the year 2007. I was about 22 years old at the time.

With pure joy in my heart, I had just finished the last day of work at my apprenticeship and was infinitely happy to finally have all that stuff behind me.

Finally being able to explore the world and having no more obligations.

I felt so relieved, so free.

Nothing was further from my mind at the time than wanting to find myself.

So I booked a trip with a very good friend to the Atlantic coast of Portugal – Surf camp!

fun, adventure, excitement. Yeah.

The trip was amazing, I made an incredible amount of new experiences and get to know a lot of very interesting people.

Today, when I think back to that vacation a very special evening there really burned in my memory.

We had a big barbecue organized, the whole camp helped cook and we all ate together.

The mood was exuberant, everyone had a good time and fun.

Only I felt somehow uncomfortable. (At least at that time I was firmly convinced that I would be the only one.)

I wanted to participate, I wanted to have fun too, but I didn’t know at all how to behave should. How I express should and me show should be.

I wondered how a real surfer behaves like this. What he says, how he moves and what he does.

But no matter what I tried, it felt wrong and awkward.

The reason: I did not know who I was.

I was torn between my rather reserved side, which I could not accept at that time and the ideal image of a cool surfer.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not find a satisfactory solution for myself.

Only one thing I knew, it didn’t feel real and not very good either.

Stand by me

Today, years later, I have learned to stand by myself and to express myself as I am.

But one thing was very important: I had to get to know myself first, to find myself.

This is the indispensable prerequisite for being able to show and express yourself.

How am I supposed to express myself when I don’t even know:

  • Who I am.
  • What makes me tick.
  • What I feel.
  • What I want from life.
  • What values I stand for.

Unconditional self-expression

I define unconditional self-expression this way: "Having an extremely good connection to yourself and the ability to show yourself here and now."

I am not only in my head, but feel the life in my whole body.

The whole thing is topped off by having the courage to show this to the outside world – and yes, sometimes to cause a stir or to attract attention.

But once I know who I am, then all that is not too difficult anymore. It even goes almost completely automatically.

Getting to know ourselves better, finding ourselves

For me, it’s about feeling inside and Awareness and mindfulness to develop for oneself.

Our body sends and constantly impulses, which we can perceive and which guide us relatively well.

But if we close our eyes to it, then we drive a wedge between us and our needs.

The first step is to take time for yourself and to get to know yourself better.

Imagine meeting a new person at a cooking class.

You have never seen this person before, but you are open-minded and want to get to know them better. You start a conversation with her, take your time.

At the next class you talk again and so you can get a better and better picture of this person and you become more and more familiar with each other – a friendship develops.

Take time for yourself as well. Explore yourself, talk to yourself, but most of all listen to yourself.

This is the essence of self-knowledge. To see what is there without judging it.

To learn to love and accept yourself, to really recognize and value your needs and desires – only then can the point come where we express them in this world as well.

Here the chain continues. When I have expressed my need I continue to feel it.

  • How did that feel?
  • What has this done to me?
  • How do I feel afterwards?
  • What do I want to do now?

And then it goes further. This is the craziest and at the same time most exciting research project you can start.

But it is worth it.

Not a logical construct

I believe that what we really are and what we really want is difficult to grasp with the mind. It is first of all a feeling, which we can perhaps approach with words.

However, it remains a feeling and therefore we have no choice but to listen and feel what is there inside us.

How it feels.

Just watch and observe. Accepting what is there, perceiving the impulses.

At some point you arrive more and more at yourself.


The whole thing is a process. In my opinion, one in which we do not add hundreds of things to our personality, but rather a process of stroking.

The more of what we recognize that we are not, the closer we get to what we are.

Sounds quite simple.

At some point we realize that we are not our job, our looks, our money or even, very popular, our partner.

We realize that these are all just add-ons that cling to us and give us a sense of who we are. But it always remains superficial, this feeling.

But as soon as we can detach ourselves, from all the identifications, we realize more and more, what lies behind it.

Who we are. All facets of it.

Some we may have been completely unaware of. Some we may not even want to see so clearly, let alone live out. But that would be a betrayal of ourselves, because at the moment it is there.

The better we get to know ourselves, the more we can trust ourselves. Because we know who we are, what we can do and how we react.

What does my personality look like today?

Since I am on the journey and getting to know myself better and better I can build much more intense relationships with other people, because they see immediately that I am real.

By now it feels really good to show my weaknesses and to stand by them.

I am now concerned with contact with real people, instead of trying to convey as perfect an image of myself as possible.

I can then be completely myself.

This takes a lot of pressure off me and gives a lot of joy and lightness to my life.

So: First there is self-knowledge, then the courage to also live one’s insights and to stand by them.

I am going home now with my family to celebrate Christmas, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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