We would like to thank Sebastian G. for the permission to quote long passages from his impressive blog, which we recommend to everyone who wants to know how fast a life can change and how long and rocky the way back to everyday life is.
There are events you can’t count on and yet they can change your life in seconds.
. my name is Sebastian and I am telling you the story that changed my life forever and seemed to me like a never ending nightmare. Every day I hoped to wake up, but I found that there was no escape from reality. This time was filled with pain, suffering, fear, terrible panic, self-hatred, but also joy, love, and happy moments. This story is a big part of my life and will never be forgotten.
Through this experience, however, I learned three things:
1. Who fights may lose – who does not fight, has already lost.
2. True happiness is not a gift, you have to work for it and only then you can really appreciate it.
3. Health is not a matter of course, but a privilege.
Why am I writing all this down? Very "simple. Recently I stumbled across the page of Michael Wolf, in which he tells about his motorcycle accident and the related experiences and changes. Also about the time when he woke up from the artificial coma. (page is unfortunately inactive by now). I have recognized myself in so many things. I felt a shiver down my spine when I read his story and learned that I am not the only one who had to experience such a nightmare.
I contacted him and we exchanged ideas by phone. On request I started to write down my story to tell him about my experiences. I realized how many "repressed" memories I had forgotten memories came into my head. I remembered situations, actions and feelings that for some reason I repressed or. I have forgotten. Some made me think, others sad but some also made me feel positive.
I thought I had closed this chapter of my life. However, I realized how good it did me to write this from the soul. The need to write more and more to see what memories are still awakened, lasted a long time. This is how I try to deal with all this. I will and never want to forget this story, but I would like to finish with it so far that it does not determine my further life or it is influenced by negative thoughts. But I guess it will be a long road until then.
On that note – thanks again for this Michael, you are a great guy and I wish you all the best for your future..
I published all this because I wish to touch other people with it. I do not want any pity. I would like to try to motivate all of you to fight, to believe in yourself and to value your life and health. Maybe it stimulates to think about your own life or to develop new views. How often do you whine because you feel "bad"? go, without knowing what suffering means.
Maybe I can give strength to people in similar situations. Never give up fighting, because it is worth it!
Of course I also created this page to thank the people who supported me on this way.
I consciously write about my feelings and grant "intimate" Insights, so that each reader can imagine approximately how one feels in such a situation. I don’t think an outsider can imagine how I felt, but maybe it makes some people think and shows how beautiful it is to be healthy, to live consciously and how wonderful even the smallest things can be.
Many people in this world have everything and complain about absolutely unnecessary things. Instead of complaining and wasting their thoughts on things they lack, they should remember the things they have. How often have I thought about my paralyzed arm and thought about things I now have to do without?? I very often sank into self-pity. It took me a while to learn to think of what I still have. I can walk, I am mentally completely healthy. I live!
Before my accident I was employed for several years in a company that manufactures plastics. I worked there as a shift supervisor and plant operator after my training. After this "serious incident I have started a further education, because I am physically not able to continue my previous work. I successfully completed the extra-occupational 3 1/2 year school to become a REFA technician for industrial engineering. I have been involved in various project work within the work preparation department for several years and have also worked in the sales department. Currently I am employed as a dispatcher for detailed planning at DB Netz AG. I like that very much, because it brings a great responsibility, but at the same time a familiar feeling.
As you can see from the site, I have always been crazy about motorcycles. I’ve been riding since I was 16. I had been riding a motorized two-wheeler all year round since I was about two years old. Starting with a RD50 over the Suzuki GSXF 600cc in throttled and open version, to the Yamaha FZR1000 Genesis up to my beloved Yamaha R1. I have never been interested in owning a car. Although I have had two or three minor accidents and one major accident with a motorcycle before.
The small ones were crashes on loose ground. Fortunately only at low speeds, so it remained with a few bumps and scratches. It was also taken from me already two times the right of way. Both times on the GSXF. Fortunately the motorcycle always bore the greater damage.
But in 2004 I was already very lucky. And I drove with my FZR at 120 km/h, into the middle guardrail of the highway. This happened because my motorcycle backpack ripped open and the rain jacket it contained got caught in the rear wheel. According to witnesses, I first slid across the passing lane with my rear wheel locked and then crashed into the center guardrail at a relatively acute angle. After that I flew approx. 25 meters over the handlebars. I broke my collarbone and tore a tendon in my left shoulder, which stabilized the joint. I wore an arm sling for 4 weeks, but because I signed a form, I was back home after only one night in the hospital and started repairing the machine I had at the time. crazy stop.
Otherwise I can’t think of much to tell you about myself. Fun-loving, spontaneous, helpful and very sociable. But also my occasional seriousness and rational thinking is one of my characteristics.
The day of the accident. 16.09.2007
When I came to myself, I did not know where I was or what happened. The only thing I noticed was a breathing mask on my face and that I couldn’t move. I was fixed with several straps across my chest, hips and legs. Strangely enough I did not feel my left arm and leg. Just a numb feeling in your toes and fingers.
Where was I, what had happened and who are these 2 guys next to me? At least they talked about me, but I didn’t understand everything they said. What was that? I saw that my right arm was screwed to a metal rod.
Why couldn’t I move my left leg and arm?? My complete left half of the body was like switched off. Also my vision was very strange and scary.
I thought I was trapped in a horror movie and that this was the last moment I had left to live.
"What is going on here?" I spoke with the breathing mask on my face. Oddly enough, though, I felt like my words were already getting lost in my throat. One of the men said he was a paramedic. In addition, he said, I had an accident a few weeks ago and were just on the way from the University Clinic Freiburg to the BDH Kinik in Elzach.
I no longer understood the world! Why do I not remember? (At this point I was in relatively bearable pain and it felt like it was just a dream, but I spoke to the paramedic again some time afterward. He also told me that I started a quarrel with his colleague because I wanted a cigarette from him and he had not given it to me. Strangely enough I do not remember that anymore.) But what I still remember is that he told me my mother would drive her car behind us. But I didn’t want to believe him and tried with all my strength to free my upper body. In vain. Not only because of the straps, but because I still couldn’t feel my left side of the body and my right side started to hurt.
After what felt like an eternity we stopped. I was pushed across a yard until we arrived at a building. It went through a sort of foyer and on to a large room where several people were staying. But I could not really see them because my vision was still very strange. As if I were caught between two worlds. On the one hand it seemed real, but I had the feeling that life was going on behind a cloudy screen. Everything was blurry, very bright and it sounded like I had water in my ears.
I was taken to a smaller room. The paramedics untied me and lifted me into a bed before fixing me again. It was not long before several people came into my room. I got scared again and tried to kick at them, but I couldn’t because of the belts. Shortly afterwards I recognized a person. My mother. After another man hooked me up to various devices, she came to my bedside and took me tightly in her arms. I also asked her what happened and who these people are. She explained to me that I had a bad accident and these men were a doctor, my father and my brother.
From this point on, I again lack any memory.
When I came to again I thought I was in a nature park. I was lying during dusk directly at a pond and watched 4 or 5 bigger crocodiles. I could literally smell the grass I was lying in and the musty scent of the water rose to my nose. Suddenly the crocodiles started to threaten me and came running towards me. I panicked and I could even hear my heart beating. I started kicking at the animals. After a short while I felt a sharp pain in my right leg, or rather in the back. in my foot. But at that moment I did not care. Suddenly I saw a woman standing next to me. She tried to convince me that I was imagining things. "Better get out of here!"
All at once it became light and the animals had disappeared. Am I crazy now.
After an almost sleepless night, I was awakened again and I saw that that night I had. I kicked the grate (2 more followed in the following nights, but I don’t remember them today). The photo was taken by my mother. This was the second bed. I would have gone berserk from one moment to the next, threatening the keepers and throwing objects at them for no reason.).
Anyway, 2 women woke me up. It was the same one from the night before and another young woman. They removed the bed sheet, the bed rail, loosened the fixation belts, lifted me onto a cold table, took off my nightgown and covered me with a sheet. Then I was pushed into a large room. Because I wanted to resist but my left body was still like switched off, I panicked again. Suddenly I heard the sound of water. They removed the cloth, pushed me under a shower and washed me. "Damn shit, what’s going on here?" I felt like I was in a movie. Still everything seemed so unreal, but still it was so real. At least I felt her touch on the right side of my body.
One of the women said that I was almost done and could go back to my room. And so it was.
There my mother was also waiting for me and I asked her again what had happened. Again she tried to explain to me that I had had an accident. I tried to remember my last ride. The last thing I remembered was putting on my jacket, grabbing my helmet and gloves and warming up my motorcycle. I also remembered that I was in Freiburg and I wanted to take my buddy with me because he has never ridden such a big bike before.
"Shit Phill, something happened to him?" My mother explained I was not with him but with my girlfriend. Strangely enough, I couldn’t remember a girlfriend. "But", She said "with Ulrike". But I needed a longer moment until it came back to me. I started to call for her, but my mother said she was fine. She would have "only" I had suffered a fracture of the upper arm and was no longer in the hospital. She would still come to me later. At that moment my father and brother came into the room. This time I recognized them directly as these, but somehow they were a bit strange to me.
I asked my father if the bike was damaged, but he did not answer me. I asked him again and he answered: "Yes, it is damaged, but please don’t think about it now" I said on it only: "Oh, is also not so bad, then I must tinker just again something. I know that." He tried to explain to me gently that there was probably nothing to repair, because the impact was very violent.
Impact? I looked at my mother and she told me, "Yes, you had a really bad accident." I was on a very familiar country road and had driven with 100km/h through a long, but unclear curve.
"A cornfield blocked your view and you couldn’t react anymore when you saw the car standing on the road. This one wanted to turn into a dirt road. You pretty much drove into the trunk without braking, flying head first into the rear window before falling back onto the road and coming to rest in the puddle of gasoline from the motorcycle. Ulrike flew over you and the car and lay on the side of the oncoming lane. As I said, nothing much happened to her, but you had suffered deep cuts in your neck, where they also found parts of your necklace. They had to give you artificial respiration through a tracheotomy, that’s why it’s hard for you to speak."
"Also had an open fracture on the right wrist, brain hemorrhages,several broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, blood pooling in the lungs and much more."
Strangely enough, my legs had not been damaged. Only a small scratch on my right leg, although I was wearing only my leather jacket and jeans that day.
I started crying when I found out about the accident. My mother told me that I was more than lucky. A man found me shortly after and saved my life.
She also told me that this man’s name was Thomas and he had been in a motorcycle accident several years earlier, on the same road, and he never really wanted to ride it again. But that day, he was driving down this street. That’s what saved me, because he is a well trained first aider. Anyway, he told that he arrived shortly after what happened and knew how to react immediately. He ran to the car, saw that the driver and her children were doing well and ran to me. He managed, with the help of another person at the scene, to gently pull me out of the puddle of gasoline and remove my helmet. At that time I was unresponsive. He took care of me as best he could and noticed my friend lying further away. He ran to her and found that she was conscious and obviously had no serious injuries. So he took care of me again. As I said he is a well trained first responder and even a doctor in the ER told me months after that it was a miracle that he was there at that moment. Quote from the doctor: "If someone had come with half that knowledge, they could have sent a hearse right away, not an ambulance."
"But what about the other person in the accident?" "Nothing happened to her. At the wheel sat a mother and her 2 children also sat in the car. These came from Waiblingen (approx. 200km from the place of the accident). One of the kids sat down in the passenger seat just before impact and was miraculously just missed. Because where he was sitting there were many broken pieces and parts of the car as well as my motorcycle. His younger brother was also miraculously unharmed. Just by the force of your impact, the car rolled on to the dirt road."
I started crying again because I blamed myself so much.
At that moment Ulrike came into the room. She ran straight to me, took me in her arms, kissed me and said: "Be calm, nothing happened to me and everything will be fine. Please don’t worry, I’m here now." And exactly with that she also managed to calm me down a bit. I said: "It’s ok, I’m fine and I’ll be out of here soon and back to our life together"." Then she started crying and told me that the doctors thought that I would probably not be able to walk for the next few years. I just laughed and wanted to get up, but couldn’t because I was still fixated.
I tried to tear myself away, but the more I resisted, the more aggressive I became. My left arm was paralyzed but my arms were both free this time. I tore all the cables from my chest and threw the objects that were lying next to me on the table to the floor. I also knocked over and damaged a stand on which a monitor of the ECG was hanging. made him all broken.
(more days have passed, but I can’t say how long I was in this trance-like state). Many things were going on around me, but I can’t tell exactly what was dream or reality)
Slowly more and more memories of the day of the accident came to me. I was with my father before the accident. in the company where he works. There was an open day there and it is a company in my professional field that I was interested in. At that time I was working in the plastics industry just like him. Better said, I was a shift leader in a plastics production and had to supervise, support and lead between 5 and 15 people. For me, this was a job that I really enjoyed doing.
However, I did not know much more about that day than that. I had only a few fragments of various images in my head. But I remember a part of the drive home. About 1 km before the place of the accident, I went with Ulrike into a beer garden to eat something, to drink and to enjoy the sun. I also remembered that I didn’t finish my Coke. I wanted to go home to live with our or my brother. walking their dog. I don’t know exactly why, but something drew me home. But this is the last thing I remember.
The next thing that came to my mind was my planned birthday party. I told my mother to tell my buddies that I would probably have to postpone the party. But when she told me that my birthday had already been and that I had been in an artificial coma for a while, I didn’t know how to react. I felt like I was dead, or rather I wished I hadn’t survived this accident.
I was often asked how I experienced the coma. I can’t say very much about that. For me it was like a long sleep where I can’t remember when I fell asleep. Apart from the hallucinations during the waking phase, I don’t remember any dreams. It is like a piece of my life is missing.
However, I was told that I had reacted to certain people. These reactions were clearly visible from the vital signs. A very big reaction was also noticed through the music. My brother brought me my CDs and put headphones on me during his visits.
Sometimes I think I remember voices. Not remembering the exact words, but some kind of whispers. I think it was always in the moments when I was briefly woken up. However, I was immediately put to sleep again because my pain was too great.
In any case, in the following nights I had further dreams caused by the many strong medications, which followed me into the day. Terrible hallucinations and delusions that made me fear death again and again, ripping the wires off my chest or the needle of the drip out of my arm. Twice I pulled the catheter out of my bladder, which ran through the abdominal wall of my lower abdomen. I felt nothing but fear in those moments. Everything seemed so real to me and I could not distinguish between dream and reality. Sometimes it also happened that I was aware of my room and the people, but in addition there were other untrue things in the room or the people were bizarrely disguised. Not only did I often think I was in a completely different place, no, I could truly smell, hear and feel this environment. It was not possible for the nurses to convince me of the opposite, because they were not recognizable as such. Once I thought z. B. in the deepest jungle and the caretakers in green outfits would be Robin Hood figures. This sounds funny in retrospect, but I would often beat my right arm, hand and foot blue with panic. As I said, I didn’t care about the pain, because I just wanted to get away. It also happened more often that I strangled myself because I tried to somehow free myself from the straps or to wriggle out of them. This never before felt urge for freedom, made me forget the pain. Even if I would have killed myself, I would have preferred this to this confinement.
I also do not remember ever feeling such anxiety. It was also more often senseless things such as.B. a CD that made me go crazy. I don’t remember it, but my brother told me that I became insanely afraid of a CD. So much so that I angrily asked him to break them. "She is evil" I would have repeated constantly. Which CD it was he unfortunately no longer knows.
As I said, I also had many "film tears" where I felt several hours or. days seemed like dreams and I can remember only little or not at all and that although I was responsive. In retrospect, it is still a strange feeling when my family tells me about it.
At some point, I regained consciousness for another short moment and noticed that the metal frame or. the fixator on my arm disappeared and I wore a plaster cast. I don’t remember when the fixator was removed, although I was transferred to Freiburg for another night.
The first days/weeks were like a long sleep with sometimes very violent dreams. In between I was awake again for a few minutes or hours before I entered the dream phase again. In my dreams I was processing a lot of past things. You have to think of it as a bunch of pictures and they run like a movie, only in the wrong chronological order. Often I was talking crazy, but still it made sense to me and I couldn’t understand why nobody wanted to understand me.
What I also remember well is a wall clock in my room. I watched them constantly and planned every movement and clinic procedure seconds-precisely. When I z.B. When I felt that I had to go to the toilet, I set myself a kind of "appointment" to ring for the nurses. Z.B. I thought at shortly after 13 o’clock something like "at 13 o’clock".15 o’clock I will ring the bell, then the people come and may take me at 13.18 o’clock to the toilet. etc etc. Totally strange thought processes. I even monitored the regularly administered injections and tablets. Even if my mother went home in the evening and told me she would be back tomorrow at 10 o’clock, she could not be late under any circumstances. At 10.01 o’clock I began to call for her and to make riot.
I was told that I had screamed so loudly for my mother at night that I could already be heard outside in the yard. Somehow I can’t quite understand this, because my relationship with her at the time was quite strained. But that changed after this experience.
In addition, as already mentioned, I destroyed 3 bed rails and 2 ECG devices. I can not explain where I took these powers from. I have it z.B. managed to free my right leg and kick welded metal bars out of the bedrail. However, I remember only too well this endless fear, the countless panic attacks and the resulting outbursts of rage. But I didn’t just carry aggression because of the accident and my current situation, but hated myself for having survived it. I can’t describe in words what I felt, but I know that this feeling of being trapped inside myself was destroying me psychologically. It happened too often that I felt the urge to inflict pain on myself by hitting the bed frame with my hands or kicking it. I associated pain with reality. In addition, I would harangue the doctors for no reason, throw the medicine cans or other things that were within my reach around the room. When I discovered a massive wooden chair in my room, I considered z.B. how great it would be now if I could get up and throw it through the window pane. I had a lot of sick ideas that I wanted to implement, but could not and thus the hatred for myself increased again.
Because I often tried to hurt myself and it was not possible for the staff to permanently monitor me, it even came to the point that they put one or more mattresses on the floor at night and I was fixed on them. Simply to be able to do without the bed rail, but to avoid that I could hurt myself by a stumble. After all, I had almost managed to get myself out of the "shackles" 4 times already to free.
After a while, the medication and thus, fortunately, the delusions became less. My outbursts of rage and aggressive thoughts also subsided. The pain of the illness caught up with me less and less often and I was able to begin a very strenuous inpatient rehab. As I said, I was in the neurological clinic in Elzach. One of the best clinics in Germany. Maybe you know them or have heard about them. Neurological clinic in Elzach. Johann Traber (tightrope walker) was also in this clinic. He was there because he fell from the rope. Managed to relearn how to walk after a long rehab and today he is standing on top again…..I dodge, sorry.
Rehabilitation in the BDH clinic Elzach
At the beginning of this rehab I felt like a dead piece of meat. I just lay in my bed and was not able to take care of myself. In the morning my cast was wrapped in foil and I was pushed in a special wheelchair to the bathroom to be showered. Then I was dried off, dressed with only a piece of cloth, put back into my bed and fed. I do not think that a healthy person can imagine how humiliating and undignified this is. Simple things like brushing my teeth, shaving, drinking, eating, etc. were impossible. I could not do by myself, but needed help for that. Even my visits to the toilet were undignified. For urination I had a catheter and for the big business I had to call for the nurses. They put me in the wheelchair, helped me to undress and put me on the toilet. After that I was also cleaned by them, because my right arm, after the removal of the fixator in plaster and my left arm was paralyzed yes. I am just happy that these things were done by dear nurses. They always left me some dignity by their loving way and managed not to make me feel even more humiliated. Often even black humor helped me. Anyway more than pity!
You must know that I was always a fun-loving person, who often overdid it with partying, was up for any nonsense and had many interests. And suddenly I woke up and everything was gone. Everything I did so gladly, was intangibly far away. So many things went through my mind what I now have to do without. A lot of it just "little things, but without my functioning arms and legs impossible. I sank into very strong depressions.
Anyway, at that time I felt nothing. I just wanted to die and was even sad to have survived. The worst thing I did was to ask my father to get me a knife, because I myself found death more beautiful than such a life. He managed to talk me out of this thought and I tried to compensate my anger in strength and to put it into the rehab. But this was not an easy way. I did not want to show any weakness to the outside world, because relatives, acquaintances and my girlfriend were insanely afraid for me. I tried to give them confidence and hope, always kept a smile on my face in their presence, and showed my will to make it through. When the doors closed in the evening, the lights were dimmed and it became quiet around me, I was alone with myself. I was trapped in my own body and was forced to deal with myself. I constantly asked myself the questions if I had a chance to avoid and felt very guilty. Moreover, I tried to imagine my further life in this state and as a result I often felt nothing but fear. Apart from the hallucinations, these moments were the worst in my current situation.
No one could take away these fears, as well as the pain I was in. I tried to keep the pain a secret from the staff because I wanted to avoid the strong painkillers. Any pain at least showed me that I was still alive. But the dreams caused by the medicines or the dreams caused by the pills. Hallucinations showed me death respectively. an existence in hell. I often spit out the pills when the nurses left the room. Once a doctor came to me and said in a clear tone that I should finally swallow the medication and in response I spat the pills in his face. At least I didn’t want to be haunted by these delusions again, because they were totally destroying me in my head. What hellish things I had to see and feel cannot be described in words.
I was given countless pills and "waters" administered. Some of them were meant to minimize the side effects of the previous ones or to spare the stomach. But the only medicine I remember already triggered enough in me. It was called Lyrica and was given to me to suppress panic attacks and epileptic seizures. Unfortunately, this only helped me to a limited extent and triggered other reactions. I had z.B. I had problems falling asleep more often because my limbs began to twitch uncontrollably, preventing me from sleeping.
When I lay awake at night, I was left with only my own thoughts. "Will I have the strength to get through this?? Will I recover at all? What will become of my life??" And again and again this question why? "Why I; would have, would be, if. " I couldn’t and wouldn’t sleep all the time because I didn’t want to have those dreams again, or have the muscle twitches caused by the medication again.
One night I dreamed of riding a motorcycle. I also believe that I was on the accident route and again everything was so real. Anyway, I dreamed of an accident, similar to what I had been told. However, I saw myself from the point of view of a 3., Another person. I also had to see how I died still at the scene of the accident. What scared me so much was that I enjoyed watching myself die. I just thought "Now you have done it". At that moment I woke up and vomited slightly. But I also realized that now everything depended on my will. I used the inner rage and every free minute to activate my nervous system and strengthen my muscles. I even thought about simple exercises like z. B. I tried to lift the ceiling a little with my legs.
The first success came on my mother’s birthday. When she came to see me again, I told her with a sad expression on my face, "I’m sorry, I wanted to buy you a present, but unfortunately I couldn’t." I really blamed myself, but suddenly she said: "Do it again!". "What then?" "You just moved a finger on your left hand." I concentrated and tried again. And lo and behold. I was overjoyed when I saw my index finger move. You can’t imagine what a gripping feeling it is to see and feel such a thing, although no doctor expected such a thing to happen. I called out to the nurses and therapists to share my success and the happiness that came with it. My parents, the nurses and even a doctor gathered around and watched with a big grin as I lightly wriggled my index finger. My mother and I could not hold back the tears of joy any longer. She said to me: "This is probably the greatest gift I have ever received. " We fell into each other’s arms for a long time.
Also when Ulrike came to me later in the clinic, the emotions were clearly noticeable. I promised her I would give everything to get back into our life together. She lay down in bed with me and we held each other in our arms for several hours. I am very grateful for her, because she never blamed me. She remembers the accident very well and told me that I was not going too fast. With her I generally held back very much, because she always had respect for motorcycles. Anyway, I would have slowed down but definitely not had a chance. Unfortunately, she could not take away the fact that I still felt very guilty. Her presence was very important to me and I drew a lot of strength from her.
A few days later something happened that I will never forget. This moment was another great ray of hope for me. I was in a so called "Stangerbad" for therapy. This is a larger tub in which electrodes are attached, so that light current impulses flow through the body. The whole thing is done to "address" the nerves and muscles and to activate. Anyway, it feels like lying in an anthill. A stronger tingling all over my body. In any case, in this bath I noticed that I could easily spread my left arm. A few cm at least. But this could not stop me from quacking the duck dance. "la la la la la la la. and behind a curtain I heard a fellow patient "quack quack quack. " This moment was for me as if the world stopped so that I could enjoy it for a long time. I wiggled my arm for another 10 minutes and smiled to myself.
A few more days later my upper body balance improved, getting me out of bed and directly into the wheelchair on my own. This made the doctors allow me to move around inside the ICU on my own. However, at this time I was still fixed to the wheelchair because I couldn’t sit safely for long and the danger was too great that I could fall out of it.
Through this extended "freedom I also got to know my fellow patients and spent a lot of time with the nurses, who always tried to motivate me. I was even "happy" at this point how I was doing. I had z.B. A fellow patient who fell off his bicycle at walking speed and now remains paraplegic for life, from the neck down. This made me realize again how many guardian angels I must have had when I hit the stationary car at 100 km/h. Actually, I was not allowed to complain about my condition, but would have to continue to fight to get back on my feet. I did not want to resign myself to this situation in any case.
I also met a man named Michael (28) who became almost blind due to a stroke. We became friends and it came to the thought that we can actually help each other well. I have the eyes and he has the functioning legs. We just tried. He pushed me in the wheelchair and I piloted him safely through the clinic. The nurses always laughed when they saw us. "the blind and the lame" were our new nicknames. With time he could see slight outlines again and we were even allowed to move outside the clinic. Unfortunately only in the yard or on the property.
Despite the occasional "joy with many fellow patients and the staff I had a terrible longing for everything and everyone at home.
Yes, I remember very well sitting for hours in front of the glass entrance door, looking in the direction of the parking lot, waiting for visitors or a moment when I could escape. But leaving my room was the only thing I was allowed to do alone. But with only one "working With one hand and one functioning leg, it wasn’t easy. So I just backed up and pushed off with my right foot. However, my muscles became stronger and I was able to experience the miracle of being able to stand on my own two feet again.
. and one week later I was able to take my first steps. I was still walking with a cane and could only walk for a few minutes at a time, but I walked and was allowed to move freely within the ward. Whenever I was in the corridor and I met the ward doctor, I "cheekily" asked her to come in I grinned and thought to myself: "Ha, and you thought it would certainly take a few years. ". Today I see these statements of the doctors as positive, because this also motivated me to give my all.
To go outside I needed company or a friend. Had to put me in the wheelchair. I will never forget the look on my face when my brother Mike pushed me in the wheelchair through the clinic park and I stood up in front of him for the first time. I don’t think I have ever seen him as emotional as he was at that moment .
I had such a joy to be able to walk a few steps again and was more and more sure that I will make further progress. I just had to never lose sight of my goal. To further consolidate my steps, I even pushed my fellow patients who could not do this, around in their wheelchairs. At that time I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I also drew a lot of energy from the almost daily visits of my girlfriend until late at night. It gave me exactly the will I needed at that moment, even though my mother had always had something against it (different topic). Anyway, it moved me to propose to her in the cafeteria. She agreed.
I continued to do this rehab with all my energy. I had the big goal to come back home soon and to continue living my life (also with our pets, dog, cat, chameleon).
I had many different applications. This included occupational therapy, physiotherapy, psychological tests were made, I had to participate in a relaxation therapy, lay more often in a bathtub where light electric shocks flowed through my body, ergometer (fitness bike) art therapy with drawing and pottery.
Also computer therapy and further psychological tests were on my plan, because my brain had also suffered from the accident. I guess it’s no wonder that I often had periods when I didn’t feel like working anymore. I often thought of suicide or got other stupid ideas. Luckily I had my girlfriend at that time and all these wonderful therapists who were as happy about my successes as I was. Little by little the progress became bigger and bigger and my motivation and fighting spirit increased every day.
But what bothered me a lot was that no one visited me except my girlfriend and family. I thought I had so many friends but where were they now??
There are only 5 visitors I remember. The first one was from my then buddy Tim, to whom I also owed a lot, because the first second I was able to stand on my own, happened in his presence. The 2.visit was my current best friend Andy with my "little sister" Linda. Just because of their appearance, I had tears in my eyes. The 3. Visiting was Lui with his longtime girlfriend Steffi. He told me about their wedding plans and that his girlfriend was pregnant. I had to cry again for joy.
The 4. Visiting was my buddy Phill who brought me our first song, recorded just before, to the clinic. And the 5. Visiting were Eva and Jenny, two other good friends, who brought me to my delight a Yufka from my regular kebab shop. It had never tasted so good. But what was even more beautiful was that Eva gave me a glass angel as a lucky charm. I also met my lifesaver, guardian angel and hero Thomas.
He also visited me shortly after I woke up from the coma and in the early days of rehab. It was a very moving moment for me when I could hold him for the first time. I will always remember his cool beret which he wore. Otherwise I only had many visits from my family. But for me the most important thing was the almost daily visits of my friend. She gave me the strength and the will to get through it all. I enjoyed their visits of several hours, on the intensive care unit. The nurses also noticed how much energy I was getting from this and tried to let us rest together, or rather, to let us go to the playground. not to bother us. Often Ulrike even lay in my bed and simply held me tight. (later I learned that the doctors, in the university hospital, asked her to visit me as often as possible, because I showed reactions to her when I was still in a coma. All vital values were influenced by her to stay in the normal range and it often happened that when she left the room they became very restless again. However, I do not remember anything within the coma time. Neither dreams nor anything else)
What I also remember well in rehab is that all my emotions were more extreme. I am of the opinion that if someone was so close to death and had to experience all this, just appreciate everything much more. Of course, today I do not cry every time someone visits me, but the feelings of joy, happiness, but also vulnerability and sadness are stronger than before this story. Even a simple postcard with kind words touched me very much at that time.
In the following days my steps became more and more secure and I was allowed to move to another ward. From early rehabilitation to the Rohrhardsberg ward. There were patients there who could take care of themselves to a large extent. I still needed a cane to walk or a wheelchair to push in front of me. I was forbidden to use the stairs and I could not walk too long. The nurses there were also very very nice.
Because I had a room on the first floor and I could walk a few meters, I went outside at night without permission and sat on the swing of an adjacent playground. Looking at the stars gave me strength and the barefoot feeling in the sand made me dream. I spent several hours in this place and thought about my future life. "What will happen next? Will I manage to get well again? Where are all my friends and how will they react to me??" All these questions gave me no peace. I stayed outside for a long time, but since it was winter, I started to freeze. What worried me was that only the right side of my body was cold or I could only feel it on the right side. At some point I mustered up the last of my strength and returned to my room.
I moved a lot in the clinic during the day and got to know a lot of patients. Many of them had a more "harmless" one Accident as I did and the chances of ever getting back on my feet were slim. At some point another switch flipped in my head. I started to think what could have happened to me. The "would have-, would be-, if- questions from the other point of view. "What if I had been just a few mph faster in the? What if Thomas, like the years before, had gone a different route? What if the child had not materialized?" etc. etc. I knew it had to be fate and I just tried to believe in myself and my goals. I mobilized my last reserves and, in addition to the planned treatments and therapies, I also did "voluntary" ones Therapies and exercises. My steps became more and more secure because I was walking most of the day. I explored the entire clinic and walked through the whole building several times a day to visit the intensive care unit or to get to know other fellow patients.
And so the day came that my family and I persuaded the doctors to let me go home and they allowed me to do it. (I was already allowed to sleep at home for 3 weekends for one night each, also because it was Christmas and New Year’s Eve and I wanted to spend the time with my fiancee).)
16.01.2008, began as one of my happiest days, after the first steps of my own, but when I entered my apartment for the first time, I collapsed without strength. I saw that my fiancee was packing her suitcase and a man helped her to get her things out of the apartment. I was sitting on the couch with my head in my lap and couldn’t move. I heard what was said, but couldn’t say anything myself, because anything I would have done in that situation would not have ended well. A few minutes later she left the apartment speechless. Her best friend was also there. She told me that Ulrike had already had a new boyfriend for several weeks (even when I proposed to her), but for my sake she couldn’t tell or. it did not dare. For me a world collapsed. She had told me about this man, but she had always said that he would only help her in her daily life. After all, she still had to struggle with her injuries herself. The upper arm fracture turned out to be more complicated than first diagnosed.
A few days after my return home I did not miss the opportunity to visit the place that tore me from my life. I set out on foot, which at this point was not so easy to do. Arrived at the accident site, I could not hold back the tears. You could still see the traces of the accident on the road. As so often, many questions ran through my head: Why me, why did this have to happen to me?? Did I do something to be punished in this way?? There are so many things I would have liked to know. I had a chance to dodge? What would have been if. etc. at that moment I went down on my knees and discovered something. I reached for it and picked it up. It was a lucky charm- little chain that I had tied around my left fetlock joint. My good friend Andy had given it to me years before and I wear it again today on my left ankle joint. Was this another small sign?
Now more operations followed.
One of the surgeries I don’t remember was a surgery to "fix" my right wrist, but it failed because everything in my arm and hand was still inflamed because of my anger and anxiety.But that was also my luck. The plan was to have a wrist fusion, which would have limited me quite a bit.
Also the first surgery I remember was an attempt to save my hand. This time the doctors wanted to take a piece of bone from my hip to build a new joint for my hand. It should not be so mobile and stable, but this option seemed wiser to me than the first planned stiffening of the joint, which now only the 2. Choice was. Unfortunately, this attempt, as well as those of the stiffening, failed again.
Anyway, shortly after my return home the 3. Try to save the hand. From the last surgery to this attempt, a professor became aware of me and came up with the best idea that could have happened to me.
"An artificial ceramic joint could be a good experiment", he meant. There are only 8 of them in Germany, they are absolutely new and have only been done once, but it would be worth a try. If it doesn’t work, one could use the hand or the hand of the patient. still try to stiffen the joint.
I still carry this joint in me today without any problems. I can only say it to ca. 30% move and it’s only a good 5 kg loadable until it starts to get uncomfortable, but I’m still sure it was the best thing that could have happened to me in that situation.
After that I decided to move because the apartment became too expensive for me alone (Maurisette was currently living with me free of charge).
As so often in this story, with the help of my father, I found a new, inexpensive apartment directly adjacent to a physical therapy office, where I then moved on my own. I continued my therapies there on an outpatient basis. I ended up with a kind-hearted and very competent physiotherapist named Annette. Some time before she even worked in the university hospital in Freiburg. Among other things also with the same professor, who saved my wrist.
Anyway, she was also very sympathetic to me from the beginning. She showed interest in me and my handicap and accepted the challenge. After some nice therapy sessions in the office, she even took the time after work or on weekends to accompany me to a thermal bath to do water gymnastics and massage. therapy and I will never forget that to her. We enjoyed our time together very much and got along very well from the beginning. After a while this friendship grew into something more and we were happy for more than 3 years. She will always be an important and big part of this story. At this point, once again, a thank you to them.
But before that, in June 2008, I went under the knife again. This time, in a nine-hour operation in my left shoulder, the damaged nerves were freed from the scars and put back into the right position. The surgery went well but the successes were or are small.
On 23.02.In 2011 my left hand was also operated there, with the aim to get a little more function. This operation was not easy. It went very well, but it turned out a few weeks later that an extensor tendon of the thumb is torn. How this could happen the doctor or I can not explain. At least I felt no pain. Only at the 2. Start-up could also restore this function.
Before the operations I could only close my hand and bend my wrist, but not open or stretch it. Therefore, in both operations muscles and tendons in the forearm and wrist were rerouted. This means that at each joint of the fingers and wrist, a flexor tendon (there are always several per joint) was taken and connected as an extensor tendon. I can move my hand better because of this. make movements that I was missing before, but I have to rethink to do that. Stretching is now bending, various movements are completely different, etc….really funny, but it works.
To learn how to control the new movements, I was with my current girlfriend and physiotherapist Annette, for 4 weeks in an inpatient rehab in Bad Wiessee at the Tegernsee lake.
Slowly I want to come to an end, even if I would have to write still very very much more. However, much of this is too private for me. I can’t remember other things and some things I don’t want to remember, because they still scare me today or trigger a negative feeling in me.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope I have inspired you to think about your own life. I wish you all from the bottom of my heart all the best and much joy in your life. It is a gift, but unfortunately very few people appreciate it. I became more than aware of it.
Before the accident I was quite a mess and did not have a healthy life. Every weekend party and excessive partying with a lot of alcohol. Often even to the point of unconsciousness. I have never harmed another person, but have forgotten to take care of myself. Debts in large height (also by constant inviting of various people) were the result. Everyone has his past. I do not regret a day of it, but I am glad to have these behind me.
Because I was never a speeder and never drove under the influence of alcohol, I thought I did not need accident insurance, let alone comprehensive insurance. Only a few weeks before I talked to a banker about it. My answer: "I don’t need it and I can’t afford it either, but no problem, nothing will happen to me. " And a few months later I was standing there. indebted and handicapped. Without the help of my parents I would not have found a way out and would have had no chance with all the wars with the offices and authorities.
And so let it be said, especially to the 2-wheeled riders among you, don’t forget at any second how you behave on the streets and what power you have in your hands. It happens so fast and mostly when you least expect it.
Don’t get me wrong, never ever would I talk someone out of riding a motorcycle! After all, it is still my goal to be able to drive again, but please never lose respect for it! I was always aware of this and still this fate hit me. However, I had the "luck to be allowed to survive, which in this case was absolutely not a matter of course.
Today I celebrate two birthdays on 16.09. (accident day) and 18.09. (more correct Geb.day). I am debt-free and have also successfully completed further training as a technician. Of course I can’t deny that there are no downsides in my life. With only one working arm, it is understandably not always easy, but in the meantime I have acquired enough tricks to be able to master everything on my own. Unfortunately, I always meet people who think they have to help me with everything. I am always happy about the offered help, because it is a sign of attentiveness and attention. I find it unpleasant only when someone thinks that he has to help me and interferes with my actions or my life without being asked. intervenes in doing. Of course, this is always well-intentioned, but often it is only through this "pity" that I realize that I am a good person again aware that I am handicapped. For this reason I would also like to try to refuse any assistance. Unfortunately, every now and then one becomes "different" treats, which cannot be avoided whether vocationally or privately. Often enough I also get strange looks when I go to see my fiancee. B. put on my jacket. This works out as fast as anyone else, but might look a bit funny resp. more awkward. In addition I have myself with my koperliche condition still far not resigned and go 3 times weekly into the Fitness. The doctors may not believe in further success regarding my paralyzed arm, but I am convinced I can get even more out of it. For this I fight! If I had listened to the opinion of others back then, I would still be in a wheelchair today.
I am convinced that this story had to happen to me because I don’t know where I would be today, respectively. what I would do. I have changed a lot as a human being, because I was on the best way to destroy my life. I had no control over myself and my finances, but lived unconsciously into the day.
I try to enjoy my life and perceive my environment and my fellow men much more consciously, have clear structures and fixed goals in mind.
I have the feeling that there is a reason for everything. Maybe this one is not obvious at the first moment, but believe me, there are no coincidences, only fates….in this sense – think about it.