Men’s talk: what we appreciate in self-confident women

Do men find confident women attractive? Or is too much self-confidence a deterrent? Our narrator Alex reports what men really find attractive. He is 28, lives in Berlin and works as a project manager.

Last Thursday I met the guys for a beer, it’s a little ritual of ours. Here we can talk off the cuff: about the job, sports and, of course, the world of women. Simon always has a lot to say about the latter. He is actively dating and always has a lot to talk about. Julian has been in a relationship for several years and is already thinking about having a family. Vincent is a real career guy and with his rational way our dispute mediator. And I? I’m Alex, currently single, and in desperate need of advice from my men’s group this week. I wanted to know from them what they think about self-confident women and what makes a woman really attractive to them.

Self-confident women – How do they really affect men??

The occasion: Last weekend I was in my favorite bar, a good friend of mine works there behind the counter. After only a short time, I noticed that a woman on the other side of the bar kept giving me looks. After 20 minutes I finally mustered up my courage and went over to her. Her greeting: ‘Well, that took a while!’ I was a bit taken aback, but had to laugh. Even not at a loss for words I said: ‘You could have come over, in times of equality.’ She also laughed, but explained to me that men often don’t know what to do with overconfident women. The protective instinct doesn’t kick in.’ Because this opinion surprised me, I now wanted to know from the guys: are self-confident women a turn-off?

Simon: "No, I don’t think so at all – why should it always be the man who gets what he wants?? We are talking about emancipation and equality and that means that both man and woman can make the first move."

Julian: "I see it the same way. Why should man find it bad – on the contrary. I think it’s very brave, also because I often had a hard time initiating contact in my days as a single man. For me it would make the woman interesting. She has the courage to approach someone and puts her ego back a bit. I find that totally positive."

Vincent: "This is an outdated role model when men and women expect the man to make the first move. But it is charming when it happens the other way around. This proves self-confidence – she is not worried about what others might think about her."

Julian: "Exactly! And I have often experienced that this is really true. Women usually know exactly what they want and what they can hope for in this moment. That is refreshing."

Self-confidence makes sexy

However, I did not want to let go so fast yet. My new acquaintance from the bar, Anna was her name, had namely justified her thesis well: Men would prefer quiet mice and yes-men, because they are less complicated in a relationship. Besides, that way the male ego wouldn’t be bruised. In short, confident women are quickly labeled as dominant by men. But the boys also had some interesting comments on this.

Julian: "Personally, I am rather a quiet person in character. That’s why I find women attractive who are a little louder than me, talk more, and are often the center of the group."

Simon: "Of course there are also women who are overconfident. That can be unpleasant then, there she is right. The self-confidence must not seem put on."

Julian: "Well, women who know what they want and stand up to you – that might take some getting used to for you at first (laughs)."

Simon: "Haha, very funny. No, basically I don’t want to date someone who stands in my shadow as an inconspicuous little mouse. For me, self-confidence means having one’s own opinion. That radiates security. I’m not comfortable with someone who just says yes and amen."

Vincent: " Here, too, there is a lack of understanding of the role. Certainly there are many people who still think that way, but that limits one’s own actions. I am inspired by women who stand in life and have something to tell."

Simon: "I agree with that. I find women who confidently go ahead and stand by their personality super exciting and somehow also sexy."

Self-confidence has many facets

We agreed: A healthy self-confidence in women is not only good, but a real asset. But what exactly does self-confidence encompass? And how can women boost their own self-confidence? The guys had a few ideas and suggestions about that.

Julian: "When I think of a confident woman, I think of my girlfriend. She is determined, structured and energetic. and not pretending, which I find particularly important. She also does not ask herself for hours: "How do I appear to the outside world??" She just does her thing."

Vincent: "I think a self-confident woman is smart, quick-witted, open-minded and smart. She is not afraid to question things critically, but can also handle criticism herself."

Simon: "And if she questions you critically?"

Vincent: "Then it’s like this. In my eyes, a confident woman knows where she stands in life and what her values are. To these values she also stands, they are not dependent on external influencing factors. She knows what she wants and has goals. This is what I think men really find attractive."

Julian: "I see absolutely the same. A confident woman defines herself by who she is and what she does. She does not conform to the expectations of men. What I like about my girlfriend is, That she is very independent. She does not arrange her daily routine according to me, but organizes herself and makes clear announcements. Overall she is a very independent woman."

Simon: "For me personally, self-confidence has much to do with communication, not with dominant appearance. I find the display of dominance arrogant. Strength of opinion on the other hand I find good. You should just have fun talking to each other."

Vincent: "How do you feel about feelings? Does this clash with self-confidence?"

Simon: "Being sensitive is not a bad quality in principle. I as a man just can’t deal with it that well sometimes."

Julian: "Being sensitive is a very normal and important part of any personality. It’s actually a driver for creativity and it shows strength to show your feelings and communicate to others on that level. In that context I would also mention the ability to be empathetic. I think you can’t be confident if you’re not sensitive and empathetic. Only if you understand yourself and others, you can develop an authentic self-confidence."

No reason for self-doubt

I had one final question for the guys. Anna had also told me that women, in contrast to men, doubt their own abilities more. This also surprised me a lot – my personal experience was that women often have many competencies that men lack. The guys saw it the same way.

Julian: "Women have no reason to question their performance. In my opinion, women are often more structured, thorough, determined, hard-working, and often have more power. You are also less snivelling."

Simon: "Men, after all, like to be credited with creating less drama. I think it’s because they prefer to avoid conflict. Women are better in conflict situations because they want to talk things out and resolve conflicts immediately. My ex-girlfriend always told me right away if something bothered her."

Julian: "Yes, communication is better, including how women interact with each other: So it’s perfectly okay to show weakness sometimes. You comfort each other and help each other. With men it’s just "let’s have a beer and we’ll be fine". And the next day it still does not work."

Vincent: "In terms of communication, women clearly have the edge. And women definitely have a higher level of empathy, they can put themselves in others’ shoes better. Of course, this plays a big role in personal exchanges, z. B. on the job."

Simon: "Don’t say that so loudly, otherwise we men will soon have no chance in career terms (laughs)."

At my next meeting with Anna, I told her about our little discussion session. She was positively surprised that obviously many men are very much into self-confident women and appreciate it when a woman is simply herself. And I also noticed during our date how much I like Anna’s direct manner. Without putting it on, she was the perfect example of an independent, strong woman. No question: A natural self-confidence is also super attractive to me.

Would you like to learn how to strengthen your self-confidence by pushing yourself positively and evolving? Then read our article "Express Yourself: leaving the comfort zone" now and get ready to try new, exciting things!

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