Make a fresh start after a breakup with your ex

Should you rehash a relationship after a breakup and make a fresh start? What to consider in the case of reconciliation?

Dr. Doris Wolf

Making a fresh start after a breakup with an ex

© Kelly Sikkema,

The partner who breaks away from the partnership can get a whole new view of the expartner from a distance. The weaknesses of the abandoned partner may be assessed completely differently, even become strengths. One’s own part in the breakup is seen more clearly. Also positive experiences during the partnership may be perceived again. Compared to the ex-partner, a new partner may perform worse. And maybe the abandoned partner also blossoms after the separation, becomes more independent and thus attractive again. Finally, the desire to return to the abandoned partner can germinate in the ex-partner. The question arises when a new beginning makes sense.

Vitamins for the soul - the PAL Newsletter

When is it not advisable to make a new start with your ex-love??

  • When the partners get back together only to avoid feeling fear and loneliness.
  • When one partner believes that he or she can change the other for good.
  • When old mistakes are rehashed again and again.
  • If the partners get back together only because of the children, the parents or the environment.
  • When addiction, emotional or physical abuse were the causes of the breakup and one partner merely says he wants to change without doing anything concrete about it.

Relationship ABC: Tips on partnership and love

What signals give courage for a new beginning?

  • Both partners long for each other again.
  • Both feel an erotic attraction to each other.
  • Both partners imagine the future with the partner beautifully and there are common visions.
  • Both partners enjoy being together.
  • The conversations are no longer about blaming the breakup and reproaching each other.
  • Both partners feel accepted and desired again.

Happy partnership offer

How can a re-approach take place? Which steps to take into account?

First of all, moving back together means: Relief, end of being alone, reconnecting with beautiful memories. Everything goes back to the usual routine. But only the decision: "We’ll try again. ", brings nothing. What led to the separation must be taken into account. Otherwise, the old patterns will slowly creep in again. Both have to work on a change. You must

    : What was the reason for the failure of our relationship? What was good, what was bad?
  • Make clear agreements: who changes when, how and what.
  • Checking whether the change works.
  • Be willing to forgive and let bygones be bygones.
  • give each other time to develop trust in the other again.

The joy of life postcards

A new relationship can be better than the old one,

  • if both work on themselves.
  • If they see the breakup as a chance to learn something about themselves and change it.
  • When they have realized how important an intensive partnership with fidelity, trust and love is.
  • when they review and correct their values and ideas about life.
  • When they have realized that they can also live alone and consciously decide in favor of the partnership.
  • if a new balance is created by the separation experience. (z.B. one partner has become much more self-confident and independent as a result of the breakup.)
  • if both have the courage to open up and trust the other again.
  • if both are ready to go through crises together.

I met my ex-husband again after 5 years of separation. We are both still alone. In doing so, I have discovered that I still have positive feelings toward him or her. Can I hope for a new beginning or should I stop such thoughts immediately?? Can this go well at all?

To answer your question, we would of course have to hear your ex-husband as well. Let’s assume that he felt similar to you at their reunion, then this could be a short flare-up of old feelings. However, a new beginning could also have good chances. For a new beginning it is important that you both enjoy being together and have the same visions for the future. You must also have coped well with the past, so that there are no more emotional outbursts and reproaches. It is also necessary that they have developed in the meantime and z.B. Have acquired new attitudes in relation to the partnership. Against a new start speaks if you want to get back together only for the reason that you feel lonely and can not find another partner. A new start also involves some dangers. For example, you can quickly get back into the old rut. The problems that were the reason for the breakup may resurface – for example, conflicts over clutter, money management, or a hobby. The way you deal with such conflicts may also resurface now. You may have a tendency to withdraw or yell at your partner during conflicts. The euphoria and illusion that after the new start there will be no more conflicts between them at all can quickly lead to disappointment and bitterness. And it could also be that they are not fully committed to the partner for fear of being hurt again. Even if a new beginning involves risks, you can also win. Find out at further meetings if there is a common ground.

After 22 years of marriage, I divorced my husband because he kept cheating on me with younger women. Now that my husband is fighting for our relationship, I have withdrawn from my new boyfriend. Is it really possible to work through such deep ruptures and start again, or will I be back like this in two years?? How do I know what is the right way to go about it?

If you are betrayed by your partner several times, it is a wound that can open up again and again. You have been willing to forgive your husband several times and give him another chance. You have searched with him for the causes and yet this could not prevent a next time. In principle, your husband can change and you can also make an effort to trust him again. But there is no security for this or any other relationship. Unfortunately, there is no book where you can look up what is the right way in such a situation. The question you should ask yourself is: What values do I want to see realized in the partnership?? What are my needs? Which partner can help me best to fulfill it? Your children are grown up and can learn to come to terms with your decision. If you decide to separate permanently, they can continue to maintain contact with their father. If you decide in favor of your ex-husband, then I would urgently advise him to undergo psychotherapy. He will most likely not be able to keep the promise that he is really serious and will not cheat anymore without changing his attitudes in principle. He has not yet eliminated the reasons that lead him to cheat. By the way, you have the right to think about yourself too.

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