Should you report suspected cheating?? Or rather look into your phone, set traps and hire a private detective? Insecurity, a bad gut feeling and many small details that are insignificant on their own lead to crises. Often people sit in my practice for couples therapy who can not even put into words what they feel. There is then anger, disappointment, fear or insecurity. Often all together. Often helplessness determines the feelings and sometimes even panic spreads. My experience is that uncertainty is usually the scariest of the feelings that arise.
How do you confront your partner with the suspicion of infidelity?
If you suspect that your partner is cheating, there is no way around it to talk about it. But how?
In my practice I always recommend to prepare the conversation first, and then to search for it.
Do you sometimes get lied to?
You’re never sure if you’re being sold an "X" for a "U"?
Don’t let them tell you fairy tales Know the truth want.
Prepare the conversation about the suspicion of cheating
Bringing up cheating is difficult, no one likes to voice suspicions. First of all, you choose the place and the time so that both of you are neither in a hurry nor disturbed. Seek the personal conversation. This is much better than on the phone or even via WhatsApp or SMS. Be clear about what exactly the facts you know are. What do you really know? Don’t have the conversation until you’ve calmed down a bit emotionally. Otherwise, a confrontation will occur that will make your partner stonewall even more than they already will. Often it helps to write down your thoughts and sort them out a little bit. Sometimes a letter to your partner is a way to deal with the suspicion.
Checklist
- Do I have only hearsay knowledge and a bad gut feeling or are there facts??
- What fears and anxieties are shaping my thinking at the moment?
- What do I want: clarification, saving the relationship, separation or revenge??
- Have I sorted myself out internally to some extent?
- How to deal with it if my suspicions are true? How to deal with my most likely anger, disappointment and sadness?
- How many details to know is really good for me?
- What do I do when I have the feeling that I am being lied to??
Conversation about the suspicion of fraud: interrogation or attack?
I do not want to go into general communication rules at this point!
Confronting your partner with the suspicion of infidelity is never easy. So please, no accusations, criticism, insults, accusations and the like. It is about clarification. Stay factual, as hard as that may be.
What you have to consider when talking about cheating?
It has proven to be useful to disclose at the beginning of the conversation what it is about. You want to have confirmed what you already suspect or what you have been told. Or you want to find out how to work on or end your partnership.
I am often told in practice what tricks were used to set traps in order to learn something. Don’t do this, because you want to find out the truth. To do this with tricks or your own lying is absurd, because then you are not straight out either.
There are different things that can happen now. Some partners admit everything directly. Others need several conversations before they dare to come clean, because they are afraid themselves.
Checklist
- Have I clearly articulated what I want to accomplish in the conversation?
- Am I being honest myself or am I cheating??
- Am I hysterical?
- What does my gut say?
Address cheating: Typical reactions
About 84 percent of all conversations are unsuccessful at the first attempt. At first there is often denial. After that, however, 96 percent of all accused admit everything.
- Vehement lying
- Counter accusations according to the motto: attack is the best defense
- Defensive behavior
- Narcissistic mind tricks, questioning the other person’s sanity. Assume control, resentment, paranoia, delusion and pathological jealousy.
Do not doubt your perception or yourself. Eventually the truth will come out. The question of all questions is how you then deal with it.
Your partner has cheated on you?
Do you want to know:
– What to expect?
– How you can handle the situation?
– How to find answers to the thousand agonizing questions?
– How to sleep at night again?
– Saving your partnership?
Get it now, without paying a single cent Roadmap "Been cheated on – what’s coming up" as well as Email, in order to get quickly as possible to get out of the crisis.