"I feel unloved, unseen and unappreciated." Do you know this painful thought? Sometimes one simply feels left out. Unimportant. As if no one, really no one, recognizes your value. Feeling unloved triggers self-doubt. We think there is something wrong with us and we question ourselves completely. Don’t let that happen! Learn now what helps with acute feelings of inferiority and how you can finally feel loved and appreciated.
Feeling unloved: Don’t look for love to come from the outside
We want recognition from others. We look for validation from our partner, friends, or our own family. Actually, we want to hear that we are needed and wanted – because that would strengthen our self-esteem. But if this attention does not come from the outside, what can you do??
Don’t look for love in others. Give it to yourself!
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Instead of doubting whether you are lovable at all, it helps to focus on yourself. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself these two questions:
Do you love yourself? You’ll show yourself appreciation?
Because right at this point is your first step to more satisfaction in your life. Only when you can give yourself appreciation and love, will you feel loved. Promise.
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Too often we look to others for validation when we can’t give it to ourselves. Self-love is the solution to feelings of inferiority – says an expert, too:
Self-love – isn’t that selfish??
"It’s hard to find a loving partner if you don’t love yourself," writes psychologist and couples therapist Marie Hartwell-Walker in this article. Self-love – this may sound a bit arrogant or even egoistic at first.
But that’s a misconception, says the scientist too. "Self-love means that you develop an attitude toward yourself that is approachable, caring and positive," she explains. The main point would be to recognize your own value and take action to be able to build that self-worth.
Why you shouldn’t wait for love from others? "Getting unconditional love from someone else is impossible. Everyone has some kind of conditions," warns Hartwell-Walker. Even the most loving partner has his limits.
Self-love, on the other hand, should always be unconditional. You don’t have to do or give anything special – you just value yourself exactly as you are now. The expert even goes so far as to say that self-love is the absolute foundation for any adult relationship. Why? "You can’t expect love from others if you can’t give it to yourself."
How self-love changes you is explained by Dr. Ruediger Dahlke in the following video:
Why self-love makes external confirmation superfluous
You can get that feeling of appreciation and validation from others – but it’s much more effective when it comes from yourself.
When you believe you are a truly unique, lovable person, you don’t need much outside validation anymore. Your confidence in your specialness is enough that you no longer care if your partner compliments you on your looks. The greater your own self-esteem, the less you feel the need to be loved by others.
Because you know: I am valuable! Nothing others say (or don’t say) will ever change that. Point!
So that your self-love does not remain just a wish, you should:
- Set boundaries and stand by them. A no for others is sometimes a yes for yourself.
- Stand by your needs. Don’t put yourself on the back burner non-stop – you have the right to be seen.
- Spend less time with negative people. The environment you are in influences you whether you like it or not. Spend more time with loving people and you will start to love yourself more.
- Schedule time for yourself. Do something just for you for at least 30 minutes every day.
- Stop blaming others for your happiness. If you’re not doing so well, take care of yourself first.
How to boost your self-esteem? You can start today with these self-love exercises that will give you a whole new outlook on life.
I feel unloved: why you mustn’t doubt who you are
Feeling unloved – where does that feeling actually come from? And why do some struggle with it, while others feel secure and valued?
"I feel unloved" – according to psychologists Linda and Charlie Bloom, this feeling has mostly to do with the past. In this essay, they warn against adopting old patterns from childhood.
If we didn’t get enough attention from our parents or other caregivers, we immediately thought it was because of us. It felt like we were not good enough. Not nice enough. Not interesting enough.
Because we didn’t know any better as a kid, we now blame ourselves for not paying attention "As a kid, you lack life experience," the pros write. You can’t understand that maybe your dad never learned to show love. You take his lack of appreciation as rejection.
Unfortunately, as a child, we can’t recognize incompetence. Parents are the authority – so there must be something wrong with us, which is why we don’t get what we need.
If you don’t feel loved, you have much better cards as an adult. You can try to understand your counterpart. You don’t have to blame yourself for his behavior, because you know that behaviors are complex and not always transparent.
After all, there are many reasons why fellow humans don’t show you the affection you deserve. Lack of time, inability, own (health) problems and doubts are just some of them.
So never infer from the feeling "I feel unloved" that you are unlovable!