I can not forget him – but therefore give up my relationship?

Hello :),
I am quite confused. I have been in a relationship for 3 years. Partly it goes super and partly rather not. We don’t harmonize that well in terms of our personalities. When I already wanted to draw a line, he said that he would like to work on his cordiality. I don’t want to change his personality – he deserves someone who loves him the way he is. He is like my best friend though and I love him as a person too! There are so many beautiful moments and things that I would never want to miss.

"I value my partner so much and yet I fell in love with my best friend again. I can not forget him."

Now it is so that on the other hand my first great love does not disappear from my life. I call him Tim. I have never been with Tim. With my boyfriend I never have a feeling like I had with Tim. This summer I did a lot of things with him, but then only when friends of his were still around. I just fell in love with him again, like 6 years ago. And this is not a crush that disappears after a month. I broke off the contact and now he is looking for the conversation and said he feels the same way and wants to talk to me about it the days.

Now I do not know what to do. I appreciate my partner so much and I grow very much with him. We have the same interests, especially when it comes to travel and food. I hardly have the same interests with my first love. Still, I can not forget him.
Should I go by my feeling? After love? Or what actually suits me?
Maybe you can help me. Thanks a lot!

Answer from Psychologists Online

thank you very much for your openness. I can well imagine how torn you feel. This emotional chaos also has something good: it shows that important things are going on in your life – in your case you are drawn to two very pleasant goals, which are unfortunately difficult to reconcile.

Read also:

I can’t forget him – why should I?.

From your cover letter, it is clear to me that you want to decide, as the tension you feel is uncomfortable and burdensome, But, what reason is there to decide now? Alternatively, you could consciously take your time, perhaps try things out with your partner or friend, let time pass and see what feelings develop for you.

In order to sort out your current situation a bit, a few questions come to my mind.

Good advice for your relationship

Regardless of your current infatuation with Tim, how do you feel about your relationship? You write that you appreciate your boyfriend and the things you both have in common. But at the same time she writes that he deserves someone who loves him as he is. One could get the idea that you are saying goodbye to the relationship internally. If this is really true, what do you still need to take a further step?

If this is not the case, I would like to invite you to explore what attracts you to Tim in order to learn lessons for your relationship. Does the attraction come from being new? Or by the affection we feel? What are you missing from your current relationship?? Getting to the bottom of these questions sometimes works better with a counterpart. Can you take someone into confidence, maybe a good friend to consult with. Maybe someone who has already witnessed your infatuation with Tim?

You might also consider talking to your partner about your feelings for them and for each other? This carries the risk of jeopardizing the relationship, but also the chance that the current relationship can take on a new quality – with more honesty about your deeper feelings, wants and needs.

I cannot forget him. What could you do?

There is a saying: out of sight, out of mind. And there is much truth in it. It is likely that Tim would gradually fade if you continue to avoid contact. So an active decision on her part, which with a little patience, would also change your emotional chaos .

You write, I can’t forget him. Another saying is: "the feeling is walking" and appeals to your patience. So our emotions often take longer to adjust to the current situation. We may have done many things – deleted all messages, had no contact for weeks – but the feeling of being in love is still there. Then it’s a matter of continuing to wait and distract yourself with pleasant things – with time the change will probably occur.

I hope you have gained some inspiration for new ideas.

Klemens Luhr is a psychologist, systemic consultant and coach who lives in Dortmund, Germany.

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