I always thought that I would find friends anywhere, anytime and, above all, super fast. For a long time, my life experience supported this steep thesis: In my childhood and youth, my parents took me across the country to a new place of residence about every five years.
New states, strange dialects, homesickness for the old place – nothing could prevent me from settling in quickly and having a new bunch of friends around me.
Friends in abundance
After graduating from high school, I moved far away for the first time by myself. And even at my place of study I had friends in abundance. I’ll tell you: At some point, it was downright annoying that I constantly met all kinds of friends and acquaintances as soon as I left my apartment – which, of course, also constantly hosted nice people.
How much I despised people who never left their home village, who spent every day with their kindergarten friends, who said that they were just family people and therefore didn’t want to live too far away from mom and dad in order to study.
Disgusting, such a convenience, I thought to myself, and after graduation I packed my bags and left to spend some time abroad and then to start my first job.
And then? Nothing! No one! Not just for days, no: for weeks, for months, I admit it: for years my friend statistics were low. At work: Only colleagues who were about 30 years older than me. And at home: a tiny one-room apartment, which I shared only with a house spider and a few wool mice.
Curse you, destiny!
I cried, raged, raged, cursed fate, and wished for nothing more than a village where I had always lived. With friends I would have met in the hospital right after I was born.
"You are not alone" my then boyfriend and now husband regularly purred into my ear via Skype in a high-pitched Michael Jackson singing voice. By Skype! Because yes: we had a long-distance relationship. That too!
No one was there for me. No one liked me, understood me, would ever like me. I was convinced. But how could it come to this? Why is it so hard to make new friends as an adult??
The whole subject has recently boiled up again in me like the pasta water on a too hot hot stove plate. The reason: My eight-month-old daughter was given a book with the beautiful title "Teddy Finds a Friend".
Teddy runs away from the toy store to make a friend. He asks people in the city, animals under water and animals in the park – and is monosyllabically rejected by all of them. At the end, he meets another teddy who approaches him with a zombie-like look and outstretched arms and asks: "Will you be my friend??"What Teddy answers remains unclear.
But the fact is: Teddy has to endure a lot of nasty rejections before his search for a friend is successful. I’ve been through a similar odyssey when it comes to making friends.
I have been living in my current place of residence for about six years now. Here’s a checklist of my efforts:
Making friends at work
At my first job it was a difficult matter. The colleagues were all in their mid-50s, but I was not yet in my 30s. Sure, even at 50 you can be really likeable. Really true, I have experienced it! But quite quickly I gave up the topic of making friends at that job.
So I accepted the state of affairs and was just glad when I finally understood who was on first name terms with whom. Me: first I had to call everyone by their first name, then I was allowed to call someone by their first name. All the others: I was on a first-name basis, but two of them were on a second-name basis. It got really complicated when the boss wanted to talk to all of us at the same time!
Making friends at the adult education center
A VHS course! Nothing seemed more obvious to me to make a whole big bunch of new friends. So I signed up for the Spanish course. I remember one extremely annoying person in class who I wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with if all the rest of humanity had died out.
Then there were a couple of gray shadows whose names I can’t even begin to remember – and a nice person, as old as me and also moved in and hungry for friendship. We pounced on each other like fruit flies on organic garbage.
Tirelessly we dated, ignoring the fact that we were two fruit flies with different tastes. At some point she moved away. Since then we have neither written to each other nor missed each other. Was probably nothing! Next try..
Making friends by learning together
Learning Spanish in the adult education center did not help me to make friends. So I started two attempts to meet nice native speakers, with whose help I could improve my Spanish and they their German. What should I say?! Twice a bull’s eye.
Unfortunately, my first language tandem partner speaks German so well that we no longer speak Spanish. And the second is well on its way. But hey, this is not about my language skills, but about friendship! Somos amigas!
Making friends by recycling friends
I am in the lucky situation to live in the place where my younger brother spent his last years in school. When my parents decided to move again, I headed off to college and my brother unpacked his boxes at my current place of residence. By the time I moved here, he was long gone himself, leaving me with a handsome array of friends to draw from.
A funny bunch, really likeable people! Thought every time I celebrated a birthday or Christmas or something with them. And after that? We didn’t see each other again for months, during which I cried myself to sleep out of loneliness. Why I didn’t check in with them more often? I also do not know. I like them all totally.
But I’ve really grown fond of those of them who have long since left their hometown to be surrounded by new friends and sometimes lonely in the wide world. I love you, Tilla and Claudi!
Finding friends by asking
"Shall we play?"Boah, it was easy to make friends when I was a kid. Another child looks nice? Let’s go and make friends. What a great attitude to life. It happens to me again and again that I meet people whom I find absolutely likeable. Then in my head the question runs continuous loop: "Will you be my friend??" I have never asked them.
But once I was very close! My bank advisor, I’ll just tell you this now, is so incredibly likeable to me. When she advises me about something, we chat for hours about God and the world. She is also the same age as me. I think yes, we are meant to be friends.
Okay, maybe she learned in some course how she can always move on the respective wavelength of her customers – in order to sell them as many products as possible. If that’s true, she’s not quite there yet. I still only have a simple checking account.
But I still like to go to her at every opportunity. Once I gathered all my courage and invited them to a Thermomix demonstration at my home. Unfortunately she could not. Neither did the other invitees. So I cooked something in my Thermomix by myself, realized it was a totally lame event and cried myself to sleep afterwards.
Making friends about the offspring
Okay, that’s a somewhat selfish reason to have a baby, but I can say with a clear conscience that my friend statistics have exploded since then. At least compared to the lousy values of the past years.
Hey, my bank advisor has also had a baby! I should check out all the toddler groups in the region until I "accidentally" meet her. Or rather not? Otherwise one could think again that I am a stalker.
And? Friends found?
Six years after the great loneliness, I draw the following conclusion: the journey to the land of friendship is hard, no fun, and even after arriving, it’s not a no-brainer. I have not yet arrived at the ideal state. I have made a few friends in the meantime, but they are all isolated acquaintances. Such a real circle of friends, that would be something nice!
So far, I have never once dared to invite nice people to my birthday party – for fear that all the individuals will end up canceling one by one and I’ll have to chug the bottle of champagne alone. Or worse: that not everyone, but almost everyone cancels.
Then there would be two or three single people and they would know my dark secret right away: I don’t have a real circle of friends who want to spend my special day with me. I’m lonely, alone, no one loves me.
And on the radio, Michael Jackson would randomly sing "You are not alone," I would cry, and then never check in with the few friends who came because of shame. So celebrating birthdays alone again? Let’s see.
Maybe at least my house spider and the wool mice will come. They are true friends. They don’t even leave me when I call them names and want to send them packing. Truly touching! So it’s true: I am not alone!
And how are you? Maybe I’m not alone in my experiences either! I am glad to hear your comments.
Edit: This year, 2018, I celebrated my birthday with friends! Everyone I invited came and it was fun, happy and simply beautiful. So maybe in adulthood you just need a big pile of patience – and then it will eventually work itself out with friends&
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Dear Inge, I think your attitude is great and would love to meet you so much. LG Bee
Since I pay more attention to whether my counterpart is also at least as interested in how I’m doing as vice versa, I unfortunately do not even have more acquaintances.
I wish so much to have only one dear friend on my wavelength*. The loneliness really hurts. &
(*I always jokingly say to my beloved sweetheart that I still want him to be a female – that would be my dream of a best friend. & )
it’s an older article, but I still feel it today. I am now almost 35 years old and have had to struggle over the years to make friends and friends in general. I come from a suburb of a medium-sized city and already had the problem in elementary school to be somehow different. As a young man always had long hair, I was quickly labeled. Teasing and later extreme bullying, not only from other classmates but also teachers, did the rest. A relationship with a girl was not even to think about. I grew up with several siblings, a very chaotic and moneyless household, with an alcoholic father. I had a circle of friends, but always had a hard time keeping them and was always the outsider within the group. My best friend at that time was also not the coolest and most popular guy around. In retrospect, however, it was always the case that I had nevertheless been a part of something, but always as the grumpy strange outsider who never really belonged to it. I even had my first steady relationship at 18…a bit late, but better than never.
Nevertheless I could never claim to have ever been fully happy. That’s why I’ve been in therapeutic treatment for over 10 years, where I’ve learned to blame my pessimistic view of the big wide world on my messed up parents’ house.
Then, at 21, I met my girlfriend, with whom I’m still together today, plus a daughter and a second child on the way. Here, too, things sometimes go more, sometimes less well.
Friendships have come and gone over the years. There were whole periods, where I stood there completely without friends, or where supposedly honest people, turned out to be completely wrong. Having no one to talk to and maybe share your hobbies with is a really sad situation. With my partner also goes only as much as the everyday life allows it. In addition, I am of the opinion that a relationship can never replace a circle of friends.
Since my daughter was born, my already manageable friend situation has been reduced to a manageable minimum. Before that I had to fight for every single friend and even today I’m still the one who has to get in touch if he doesn’t want to spend a weekend at home again. Yes, of course, I’m not alone there because of my small family, although I often feel like that. But to speak here at all of friends is also not correct, because it is more about acquaintances, who meet at most times with one, if they have nothing to do themselves times.
Wistfully I see in the media examples of thick friendships, groups of people who do so much together and go through thick and thin (or at least have a good time), so I always think about whether there has ever been such a time for me, or still will be?
I often wonder if it’s just age, if life really changes that much. Of course, you’re not in your youth anymore and can live relatively mindlessly into the day, but this battle I have to fight on all fronts can’t be normal. If you can’t balance your everyday life with real friends, how can you balance yourself in life and in your family?? Maybe I idealize too much and try to run after a feeling, which will be unattainable for me. What I have found only for myself is that getting old is a real bummer.
Hello, I feel the same way. Am 55 years old and live for 30 years in Hanover. In this time unfortunately I haven’t made any solid friends yet . Sounds really funny but so it is unfortunately. At work are colleagues my age but I separate that. Since I have already experienced that what one has privately told was gossiped about. I have also become very cautious about friendships. When I met with people and thought it was great, they have not contacted me again. Too bad I am looking for a nice friend with what I can do.
My childhood friend has been living in Hannover for over 10 years, and even she – very active, committed and people-oriented – still has trouble finding her feet there. In the meantime she can afford a change of. I would like to imagine a retreat to our old home, because she does not feel comfortable in Hanover in the long term, despite a considerable circle of friends and acquaintances, which she has built up through her membership in various clubs (dancing, hiking).
Eva, your text is so reassuring! Because it seems that it is not a personal problem, but can affect anyone.
I have been living in a big city for 6 years and have met a few people, but I haven’t made any real friends for a long time and the good old friends are far away. Frustrating! Now we have moved to another corner of the region – the step was not difficult for me – and we have a child. I hope for new acquaintances, but it really doesn’t get easier – little time, different ideas, complicated life story, which not everyone understands. I have come to these two conclusions:
1. For friendship it is not so important that you are very similar or similar age. It is important to like and respect each other.
2. Spending time together brings each other closer. Preferably with an occupation, which one finds really good oneself.
Now I just have to stick to it myself and try not to stress myself further with the topic..
I’m 21, prospective trans woman, by the time this is read she might be ready, come from mid-sized Ansbach near Nuremberg
My answer? People are so dead, they don’t want love or friendship, they don’t know what it’s like to do things with people anymore, all stagnant and b.
I am 21 I met some people through SChools, they were great months, yes UNTIL I noticed how the contacts broke off, less and less answered, suddenly quarrels broke out among each other, BUM you never knew each other
People don’t want that anymore, you have a good life if you WANT to be alone, you want friends, sooner or later you end up lonely, people don’t value that, yes in me the hurt side speaks, for a good reason, because I don’t feel like it anymore, it sucks
Everyone says search, then you search, and fall again, the fault is not in YOU, or in ME, it’s the others, the freaks, as I call them slowly but more and more, they do not care, prefer to answer hastily with " Sorry my partner does not want, have no time " " Ne my ARbeit is grad more important " Good Bye Friendship
THE life as an adult is ?
Friendships and love have no meaning anymore, one of the reasons being the addictive technical boards, but nobody wants that to be true
THOSE who say they have friends, usually don’t know how to describe them, HA club contacts, in 3 years most of them don’t even know each other anymore
Another thing, PARTNER, I experience it myself, I’m single and have no friends again, all my contacts have found love, AND?? they block their friends, WOOW how social and friendly of them, makes me crazy
What I am trying to do now? BECOME HAPPY IN LIFE, is the only chance to be able to smile alone, actually the wrong way, even if a good life is clearly important, but is now the last and only thing that counts
You just can’t count on anyone anymore, you are and remain on your own
I could write a lot more, but that is the all oppressive, it just no one wants more, and I think most ADULTS also have completely different interests, TRUE friendships as you know them from the past, do not seem to be part of it anymore, sad VERY sad PEOPLE
Hello everybody, you speak to me with your articles from the soul. I, now 50, also found out shortly after leaving school that suddenly friends are gone and quickly go elsewhere. My husband didn’t have a huge circle of friends either and so we were alone for years. Through kindergarten and school of our daughter, we were able to build up a small circle of friends, which was destroyed by the cheating of two other couples. I was there for my betrayed "friend" day and night, listened to her a lot, etc. Now she has built up a new circle of friends, buzzes around everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that she is doing well again, but she has no interest in me anymore. Our situation is not easy right now because of several nursing cases, and such a friend would not have been bad there. Now I observe also unfortunately with my daughter (20) like the friends/girlfriends fall away. On the one hand, she was bullied, on the other hand, some of them left due to her studies. You are 20 years old, you have an apprenticeship, all social networks, you are mobile with your own car and still you are at home on weekends. I could cry. I have also attended several sports classes to meet new people. But they come, do their sports and then leave again. My daughter hopes to go to university, but she has enrolled in a huge course of study and I fear that it will be relatively anonymous there. It’s also true that you are ashamed of your own loneliness. I have already thought about what my husband, my daughter and I have in each other, because it doesn’t work with the friendships so well. One thinks it is one’s own fault. I am very depressed today. That I don’t have a big connection I kind of accepted, but I feel so sorry for my daughter…..
Love to all of you who are also struggling with this issue.
Hello, I stumbled across this page today as the topic of friendships and loneliness has been bothering me for years now. My husband and I live in a small village (my home village) that is mainly made up of soccer fans. We don’t have anything to do with soccer, that’s how it begins. We were both enough for each other for a long time and when our daughter was born, life as a threesome was fine for us. Through kindergarten, elementary school, etc. even we die-hard "non-footballers" managed to find a connection. Our circle of friends/acquaintances consists of 4-5 couples with whom we sporadically do something. I have also become a bit braver lately and always go out for coffee with the women.
Now our daughter is almost 20 years old, graduated a year ago and all friends are almost gone. Her very best friend is now going to study in another city. Our daughter is inconsolable because of this, although for herself the university will start soon. She has the feeling of being stuck here in the village. Your university is easy to reach by public transport and the rooms in the university town are quite expensive. The problem with friendships started in the middle of the twelfth grade, when she noticed that there was a gossip group about her in WhatsApp. She then withdrew a lot from the old friends. Nobody apologized to her at that time. She then tried to make other contacts the last semester of school, which she also managed to some extent. But the one who acted the worst in the gossip group got some of my daughter’s new friends on her side after she graduated from high school. In the meantime she has no contact with anyone from school. There are a few young people at the company she worked at for a year. But there are not so close friendships that you go away together on weekends, and the distance (50km) is also too great. I hope that she will make friends at the university. I always wonder how it can happen to such young people, that despite today’s means of communication, etc., they are still alone. suddenly being without friends. My daughter was otherwise always popular, our house always full of young people. I still know that it went to me at that time after the school also in such a way. I graduated from high school, worked in a small company where everyone was 20 years older than me and suddenly I had no one. I think my husband and I were really just the two of us for almost 15 years. I hope I have not strayed too far from the topic. But I feel so sorry for my daughter, that can not be, that one with not even 20 already has no friends more …
Thanks for reading and maybe I will get a comment
Dear Tini, it’s a pity that we don’t know each other. You sound very nice, I can understand you well and am very lonely myself, especially since my husband died 10 years ago, thevdamal circle of friends "dissolved", due to moves, somecwaren his friends, etc. I wish you all the best with your husband. Bee
Dear Tini, I understand you very well and would love to meet you. LG bee
I am 63, I have always had many people around me, so I have not missed anything. When my life partner died three years ago, my family has touchingly taken care of me.
My daughter came over regularly with her husband and child. My brothers and sisters were there for me. Had a dear friend (buddy) in the house. it was nevertheless my life partner no longer there was everything so far in the green range. Now I have lost my job, means very little money. I can’t invite my children to dinner, I can’t go shopping with my brothers and sisters. I am no longer asked if I want to do anything with him (the so-called fifth wheel). My buddy fell hard in love and moved away. J now I stand there, no work, no money, no one really interested in how I’m doing. I am also a very open minded guy, I have tried everything to meet people. It’s damn hard, because you change your character somehow, you become insecure. And for my part I realize that I almost don’t dare to talk to strangers anymore. I talk here and there with someone but I am afraid to appear too pushy. And now some nights I can’t find sleep. The loneliness has caught me full. Until recently I couldn’t really imagine what loneliness was like at all. The bad thing is, when I talk to people, where I know exactly how they feel, they don’t admit it. I do not say to anyone that I feel very lonely but I try in a roundabout way to convey to people that it is sometimes quite sad to be so alone. Everyone talks around it but no one admits it. it would be nevertheless a good basis new friendships abzuknupfen
Dear Back, I can understand you very well and would like to meet you so much.
I am also such a candidate. Just 30 years old, no desire to have children and living for three years in a city that is not my home. At the beginning I thought ‘yes, my new boyfriend must have a nice circle of friends and something will come up’. But nothing there. I’m still the strange new girlfriend who doesn’t want to have children and is not a typical "girl". And that is the point. I have nothing to do with the classic women’s world. Fashion, Fashion, Makeup, Deko-SchnickSchnack is everything not mine. But that should be no obstacle, I thought. There must still be people like me. Since I am very addicted to sports for a while, I tried to establish a running group in the neighborhood. Conclusion: Mommies have no desire for sports. At least not in my area. But who doesn’t want to..
As a difficulty is added that I am mobile only by bus and train and by a personality disorder have problems with relationships. So it is important to find the one person who optimally lives near me and ticks like me, or rather, who takes me as I am. The needle in the haystack thus.
And so I drive every day to work, back home, do sports and in between there is nothing. Sometimes I talk to the cat…but she has no opinion at all.
Hello, thank you very much, that’s exactly how I feel. I have moved a lot and in no city was it as hard as here where I’ve been for 6 years and always meet only fleeting acquaintances, which develops after a year apart again or someone moves away. Very often you never see these people again as soon as they are in a new relationship. Unfortunately, even the friends I know from before are less and less available and set other priorities. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want children and all those who have them do almost nothing with friends. I slowly don’t know what else to try, I have tried via several apps it eg Facebook regulars (can no longer count how many times), other apps, gym, VHS course, seminars, neighborhood, but nowhere has worked so far and I’m getting tired of it…
Interesting contribution. I am 71, fit, married, fortunately I have girlfriends, but no luck with family life. Stepfamily of my husband is still not mine even after 40 years of marriage. My husband have also already ticked off. So we are mainly two, now and then I meet my girlfriends or he one of the few still living buddies. But we also feel lonely. And just like young people we are embarrassed and hide it. Even decades old friendships are not seen so often anymore. A group of women meets every month, but it is nevertheless superficial and external. Tried volunteering as a surrogate nanny, it only lasted a few months. About the project Tante Inge, in itself for young and old to recommend and in the Internet to read up, it came also only to a single meeting. It’s not easy to find friends. And unfortunately you have already survived some.
Best regards and good luck with the further search.
I would like to respond to Back’s text. Do you know if you believe it or not, your text
could have been from me. I am a year older than you and I feel the same as you do.
You get lonely with less money. I also have siblings with whom I can no longer go shopping. I always had my children for dinner with me, I can’t afford it anymore. And even with your buddy from the house, it’s all like with you.
Maybe you have desire to contact me times, I would be very happy. My mail address: [email protected]
Hello Eva, I have to give you a big compliment. So much honesty meets one (unfortunately) very rarely. Probably comes from the fact that people in general prefer to be lied to than to be confronted with their own weaknesses or faults. Personally, I am sometimes so honest that I warn new acquaintances in advance, that BLOSSOM no one is miffed, if once again too much honesty genes spread and this may come across a little cheeky or tactless. Admittedly, I have caused myself a lot of stress, because you know how your counterpart immediately goes into a defensive posture when you talk against it..When I was 25 I couldn’t understand at all why people prefer friends who butter you up and always say yes to everything than friends who are absolutely honest in every situation and stand by you. In the meantime I am 48 and it is no longer important to me to have as many friends as possible but exactly the ONE, absolutely reliable, who can be trusted with secrets and also keeps them to himself. The one you can call when you run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, and who will do everything humanly possible to help you. That is for some Pipifax, I find, exactly that makes a friendship. Due to very frequent moves in the last 20 years, friendships have not really developed during this time. Only superficial, really a pity. Obviously, the term "friendship" has evolved in the last 20 years in a direction I don’t like at all. I want one of those old-fashioned friendships again, uncomplicated, without thinking: Am I allowed to say this or that at all, or is the person then offended… Is there anyone left who can laugh about himself or is everyone’s ego so much in the way that this is no longer possible?? I would be happy if someone feels addressed. Warm greetings
I think you have a very good attitude!!
basically I understand everything you write. You have very specific ideas about what a girlfriend should be like for you.
But how are you yourself for others? Can you tolerate the "truth" yourself? Do you observe yourself honestly to judge when you cross boundaries? Because no one wants that either.
No one wants to always "get the truth around the ears", but also just be accepted as he is. Doesn’t that make friendship as well? Sorry if I misunderstood you, I do not want to hurt anyone. It is also difficult to express oneself comprehensively through a few lines, without facial expressions or gestures. Written words are easily misunderstood.
We all have very different views of life, it’s the nature of being human. And one of the most difficult things seems to be to accept that you can be good friends even if you are not on the same wavelength. Just because you can accept the other person as he is, without constantly wanting to tell him "the truth" to his face. Because it is precisely by being different that he is interesting. Even if he can not bring gasoline at night in the pampas.
Friendship is something very valuable, but should never be seen in terms of "usefulness". And this is what I experienced very often. Maybe two opposing life experiences collide there?
What is truth? It is always what we understand by truth through our own glasses of beliefs and childhood imprinting. (Unless you actually get to someone who only manipulates and takes advantage of you all the time.)
It is difficult, the interpersonal. I am now 59 years old and have sincerely tried to be a friend all my life. But I have several moves behind me, had to take care of a child with cancer as a single parent with two sons and finally ended up in burnout myself due to the loss of the house – my partner disappeared – and thus in insolvency. I’ve been through it all, but from then on I suddenly had no friends, although I didn’t burden anyone with it. Were there any then..?
It’s difficult to find joy when you can’t keep up with all the "actions" financially and in terms of strength. Or is rather the quiet type who prefers to read a spiritual book, have deeper conversations, play music, do handicrafts, take photographs, etc. and do not like noisy parties. But if I sought the closeness of people, the last few years I was constantly told, even literally, that I just had to "fit into the system," whatever that meant. Instead of being happy about a good photo together, they judged which one was better. Instead of making music together, it was egged on who plays better. If I mentioned something spiritual, I was met with what abhegobenes gibberish that was.
I am very adaptable – for a while. But if that means I have to adopt each other’s lifestyle to be welcome, then I’d rather stay alone. Unfortunately, there is already enough competition in professional life, I never liked it and I don’t need it in my private life anymore. I don’t fight for sympathy anymore, just not to be alone.
Do you understand what I mean? So everyone is just different.
Hello, it’s damn hard to find friends, especially honest ones. The friends that were there, suddenly have no more time.
I lost my husband last year just before Christmas, we still bought an older cottage in August 2017. Is or was very much to do. Then there I was, before Christmas, house not ready, moving in was not even a thought. The roof had just been finished, the electrician wasn’t finished, the heating wasn’t finished, the windows didn’t come until February, the walls had to be plastered, the water pipes had to be laid. In addition, we were a patchwork family, during his lifetime my husband had already given his property to his son. This son has managed to break the family, because my late husband believed all his intrigues, my children were the bad ones and he was the saint. When my husband finally realized this, the family was already broken up. He did not have the courage to ask my children to apologize, foldedessen unfortunately also no contact anymore.
So, I now stood with the house, sell impossible too much loss. So every Friday to Sunday in the house, one after the other made. Besides still constantly to the lawyer ran, because the nice stepson, has yes 1 day after the versterben of his father eviction action filed, hearing was in April, I had to ensure that I had to move out by the end of August 2018 after 22 years that I lived with my husband there. I moved into the house in August 2018 then, a lot of things are not yet ready as they should be. But I can live in it. I now drive 100 km one way to the store every day, often come home only at 9 pm, am torn out of my former social environment and find it damn hard to build a new circle of friends.
Should not now be understood as a complaint. Was now just written from the gut. I will always miss my husband, I do not blame him, he was just blind, was just fatherly love. The only solution at that time would have been divorce. But the love for my husband was just too big, you don’t meet that every week.
In any case, it is very difficult to have trust and friendships. I have no idea, sports club is out of the question, I have a lot of sports on my construction site.
Actually, I bury myself, because to go somewhere, I’m just not ready after the death of my husband yet.
I could imagine pen pals or e-mail traffic,
Oh yes, I am 58 years old and am now in the Zollernalbkreis at home
Hello! Thank you for your very honest comment. You’ve really got a lot on your plate. Especially in such a situation, friends are of course an important support. I would be happy if someone contacts me and I can mediate you. Feel hugged! Eva
I am a single parent for 6 years with 3 kids. After the separation, I have made many new contacts, mainly newly separated, have done things with them, gone out on child-free weekends despite being on duty on weekends, visited them and really tried to keep these contacts. Unfortunately provided a new partner was there they dated only couples. With my 3 children I was never invited, because I probably did not fit into the family world. Every week I am outside with my children and we do something. I have hardly met any people, only for short conversations. I approach people openly, but I don’t like to force myself on them. In the evenings I stay with my children, on the weekends I work or have my children so I really have problems making new friends. Earlier when the kids were small I had a lot of contacts with women and their children, joint birthdays, breakfasts, swimming pool, I could not keep these contacts because I was very busy in my everyday life and job and because I have no one in the evening who sits with my children. I hear already times out that others find it suspicious that I never go away, it goes unfortunately at the moment not and my children go clearly before. Even though I wish I had real friendships.
A real balancing act that life sometimes demands from you! Thank you for your comment, which shows me again how important this topic really is. Lately I realized again how important it is to keep in touch with old friends at least in larger intervals and to visit each other (even if it only works once a year). There is simply immediately again a basis and a trust there, which arises with new friendships only very heavily!
I can totally understand and sympathize with you.
I have always been an open and adventurous person and also like to go out alone as a woman although I love my son and my family.
I have been a single parent for one and a half years now and I feel quite lonely.
many friends have families and weekends and little time in the evenings or my single friends go out and I can’t get out of the apartment in the evenings because I have to and want to take care of my six year old son and I can’t afford a babysitter every evening either.
It is already quite lonely with such a situation and I find it extremely difficult to find like-minded people although there are supposed to be so many single parents and people living separately.
May I ask from which area in Germany do you get your friends??
My husband and I (both in our early/mid 50s) were forced to move to a small town 1 year ago. Both my parents and my husband’s parents are already deceased and we have no siblings. My daughter is grown up, lives far away and the contact is very sporadic.
It is almost impossible to find friends at our age in a new place of residence. People our age have their family and their circle of friends – there is simply no need or necessity for more friends.
I also do not know yet how it should go on. You need someone to talk to from time to time and to exchange ideas.
Many greetings Bea
You speak from my soul… My "circle of friends" consists of 3 people, one of them lives abroad..
I wouldn’t find it difficult to talk to people or to get to know them, but to develop something fulfilling out of it is like a doctoral thesis, especially since I unfortunately notice that "freshly acquired new friends" sometimes just don’t fit in with me, my values etc. and to bend too much would not be healthy either.
So I am facing a Sisyphus work, I don’t give up, I still hope for a real circle of good, warm-hearted friends, even if it doesn’t look like it at the moment. Hope this last..
I just stumbled across the text by chance and have to say: it fits my situation like a glove. I have made similar experiences in my (so far mostly unsuccessful) efforts to find new friends. I even went the same way with the Spanish language course, although without lasting success as far as new friendships are concerned.
My next attempt will be a voluntary work. I will look for an honorary position, where hopefully you can meet some nice people. Just do not give up, is my motto. Fortunately, I learned early on to make my life more interesting when I’m alone: even when I’m alone, I can still travel, go to the movies, see museums and exhibitions, go out for a nice meal, and so on. And who knows, maybe it will change again sometime..
Many greetings from Martin
Dear Martin! Super that you remain optimistic& An honorary office is certainly a good way! Sports club could also be something. So there are possibilities – and no reason to give up!
I feel the same way as you and many others whose comments I have read here. It seems very unlikely at first that you won’t make new friends, even if you do some things in this direction. But it was and is similar for me.
I am very open and interested in many things, but I often see people who are not really looking for new friends, because they already have family or an existing circle of friends. I often wonder if it is because of the German mentality. I read recently that here, if you are lonely, you are seen as an oddball and somehow as "strange". In other countries, z. B. in Southern Europe, on the other hand, it seems that people who are lonely are taken into the community, instead of ab- or. To experience exclusion. But I don’t want to give up hope either, just like you. I also had the idea with the honorary office. And connect with it the hope to meet nice people. In the meantime, I try to make the time as good as I can, even alone. Fortunately I also learned this early on. Going to museums and exhibitions is especially good for me…also in concerts. I can enjoy this alone, but sometimes I lack a counterpart to share the beauty.
Maybe you read my comment and can still respond to it – that would make me happy.
Even if your entry is already over a year old.
You write from my soul… It is damn hard to make friends. Maybe you just need more patience. Has not so easy when you feel lonely and long for friends..
Thanks for your comment! For me, as time goes by, it becomes more and more evident that patience is the key. And confidence. There are many great people& And there are friendships that are formed!
Yes, it is damn hard..
Would it not be possible to exchange phone numbers or e-mail addresses here?.
That would be cool, then you could write to suitable people and umgekerht.
May I here miene E-mai.Enter address?
Yes I would also like to get to know each other through this site, LG Bee
I am one of those "older" Munich women (55 years) you described and I have – although I grew up in Munich – no real friends but if at all only superficial acquaintances. Maybe that’s also because the population in Munich is mainly made up of families and friends. single people with children or sog. Zugroasten from all over the world together. Not counting the many job nomads who are only in Munich on weekdays and spend the weekend "at home" in another place with their family. As a real Munich girl I can say that Munich is neither chic nor stuffy – late in the evening (especially in the cold season) after closing time the streets are empty. Only at mass events with children’s entertainment and many food stalls people come out of their apartments, which now all look like concrete rabbit hutches. Schwabing has become a boring neighborhood that only reminisces about the good old days. I recently read a nasty but very fitting statement about Munich "Munich is a career and sleep city with SUV congestion and burnout visages". No real friendships can form in such a climate. No offense…..
I didn’t write about Munich at all& But I guess it all fits everywhere…
that’s why I just moved to Frankfurt for Sommers, Munich is getting worse, yes I have an apartment in Schwabing. And I was also unhappy there, because many friends from study times have moved away and I could not keep new acquaintances with my working hours of partly 80h+/week. Strangely enough, as soon as it was clear that I will not spend much time there, new acquaintances with potential have shot out of the ground! But since I lead a very nomadic life by now I have many acquaintances and friends only the ones I have known for a very long time. Whenever I’m in Munich I always get a cultural shock, how unfriendly people can be, when you approach someone foreign, they look like you need a straitjacket!
I travel a lot, so the whole winter in the tropics, there have already many (yes I would almost call it) friendships, even if the contact is sometimes more sometimes less, you meet again and again and since the travel community is often a very direct, honest, warm people, I know the people partly better than people I know for years already. So that to the word ‘know’&
You just have to be lucky and try to meet as many people as possible, and the people who fit you can filter out quickly.
Still to the people over 50 here, if they live in a larger city, I would recommend Oxfam as an honorary position. Are a few hours a week is really fun and if you have the right colleagues (4), which are 95% of the same age, you have at least a few good hours, maximum new friends. I worked (I was one of the 3 out of 120 under 50) in the Oxfam bookstore for a few years.
Thanks Eva for the great article, I think everyone! feels there addressed, to hope is only that the phase is as short as possible!
Hello all, I also have my problems to find friends with it. I am unfortunately rather shy myself and are then especially from women quickly stamped as arrogant or conceited. Sometimes I just really don’t know how to break the ice :S I’ve never had a huge circle of friends, but yesterday my boyfriend pointed out that I really don’t have anyone but him and my family. My problem now is that I’m not really sure if I’m missing that or not. Because I didn’t even think about it before he said something. Since then I am but iwie really sad and ask me now of course what I can do against it and should& but it has already helped a little to express the dilemma or. write down. Greetings Julia
Hello Julia! Thanks for your message& So I always think things are good when you feel good about them. If there is nothing wrong with you, why should you feel bad?? Don’t let anyone tell you that you should live differently&
With me this is now NOCH not the case. But I am 19, will soon have my high school diploma and already notice how the "friendships" are crumbling. And I never want to impose myself, which is why I let them more or less "crumble". I think I’m facing a similar situation to yours and I’m quite scared of it… After school time all my friends will go their own ways and I don’t think I’m of interest to any of them. I want to study in a year or two and really hope very much for friendships there! I am now trying to acquire as much emotional intelligence as possible so that I can have a better effect on people and be more charismatic&
I hope you are doing well in your situation now, and remember to be grateful for what you have (nice contacts)&
Hello Lily! Thanks for your message. In the study it was in any case everything still absolutely super with friendships. There are so many young people there and they are all looking for friends. It is virtually impossible not to make friends& I simply underestimated that it will be difficult afterwards, if you move somewhere where you do not yet know anyone. One strategy is of course to move to a big city to study, Munich, Hamburg, Berlin or what I know. Depending on what you want to be when you grow up, you might just stay there after graduation – and then you might already have friends there who will stay there too. But of course: if everybody works, the free time becomes less for everybody. But in the meantime I really have some very great people in my environment. It really does get better with time&
I am also 19 and have already graduated from high school! I can totally understand you because I have experienced it first hand! All against abroad or move away and have no more time because they have to finance their studies with jobs and you are then just standing there.. I’m doing an orientation year right now and have lots of time to think about how superficial the friendships from school actually were ..
But I think when the training / the study then begins the whole then nevertheless again a little better&
Wanted. The text could have been written by me? especially this desperate hope to have in strangers. And not to appear desperate. because you know how they used to annoy you when you could choose your friends
Yes, this pretending to be scheduled.
It is hard.
What city are you from?