Your girlfriend and you had a fight. And you don’t even know how to reconcile again.
You are sick and have to cancel your trip to Spain. And you have been looking forward to it for ages.
The favorite cup is broken. It was so beautiful, a real souvenir, and has accompanied you for years.
I’m sure you also know different reasons for being sad. Sadness is often part of our life. Sometimes the feeling passes quickly, but often it’s quite a big number.
And often it’s not so easy to find your way out of the sadness again. Sadness seems to cover everything like a heavy mantle and may make you feel dull and heavy.
Every one of us knows this situation. Was sad at some point and maybe didn’t really know how to get out of this feeling again.
There are several good ways to deal with your sadness in such a way that you feel better again. You can smile again or at least become more open for the beautiful and good things in life.
The first tip may seem a bit paradoxical. For in order to leave your sadness behind, it helps first of all to go towards it.
The first thing to do is to feel your sadness. Maybe even getting angry. You may throw a second cup after the broken one. You can have a good cry because the vacation is not going to happen. And you can hole up and shut yourself off when you’re desperate that an important friendship has fallen apart.
But to feel also means to feel inside yourself. To notice what’s going on in your body. For example, the stone in your stomach, the lump in your throat, the tension that makes your whole body ache.
Most of us find that really hard to do. For being sad can feel terrible. And a lot of us just want to run away. Doing and thinking something different.
Feelings only come in a double pack
But running away won’t help. Neither does it make the sadness less nor does it make it easier to become happy again.
Because if you can’t feel how sad you are, you can’t really feel how happy you are.
That’s the way it is with our feelings. The beautiful and good feelings on one side and the burdening and sad feelings on the other side. These two kinds of feelings are like two sides of a coin. I cannot have only one side. Either I have the whole coin or none at all.
Think of something really nice. Something that made you glad and happy from the heart. Have you found something? The last time you were with your girlfriend? A great nature experience? A special evening with friends?
You can feel all this only to the extent that you allow your sadness and your other negative feelings to come through. That’s why it’s also necessary for emotional muffle to take their feelings seriously and to give them at least some space from time to time.
Professional at pushing away feelings
But many of us do not do exactly that. You don’t give your feelings the space they need.
Maybe you are one of them? Then you’re a real pro. A pro at keeping your sadness under wraps.
Maybe you know those jumping gremlins that are in a little box like that? They push up against the box and when you open the lid they jump out.
Sadness is a little bit like those jumping goblins. If you don’t want to feel your sadness at all, maybe push it away, then it’s a bit like holding a jumping leprechaun in a box. Maybe you are really good at keeping the lid on the box of leprechauns. But this is also quite exhausting. Pushing away the sadness takes strength and a lot of energy. But because you’ve been doing it all your life, it doesn’t seem strenuous at all.
How much energy it takes to keep the sadness down, to not feel it, you often don’t realize until you take the lid down. If you sit still or stop for a moment and listen to yourself. Without distracting you.
In that moment of standing still you then feel the lump in your throat, perhaps how it dissolves, how you begin to cry. Or how the tears rise very slowly and are about to overflow.
Because it’s unfamiliar, it often feels particularly awful, possibly even a little threatening. You might also get scared that it’s all going to wash you away. That you can’t stop.
But actually this fear is unfounded.
Cause sadness is like a leprechaun jumping out of a box. If you let him out, he becomes totally active at first. He jumps around, spins in circles and is really wild. But after a while it gets tired and slower and slower and at some point it stops.
As well as the sadness. At first it’s violent and bad. It stirs the bottom to the top and shakes you up. So maybe what happens first is exactly what you are afraid of. But also the sadness becomes gradually calmer. The sobbing becomes less, the body calmer and more relaxed, the crying quieter. Relief and pleasant exhaustion spread out and cover the sadness like a cuddly blanket.
Tip 1 => to feel the sadness and to allow it is so important, because only then you can also feel the beautiful and good again. Happiness and contentment are only possible if you dare to feel your sadness.
In order to leave the sadness behind you, you can do something very obvious in many cases. You can try to get the cause of your sadness out of the way.
Often we do not even think of this possibility. Then we may be too caught up in our sadness, the pain of the loss or disappointment.
You may also know this. You may get a tunnel vision that hardly allows you to look to the right or to the left. A solution may already be waiting on the other side of the tunnel.
Maybe you talk it out with your friend and get the argument out of the way. Maybe you can buy yourself a new mug on a nice trip and thus consciously create a new souvenir. Or you can plan your next vacation while you are still in bed.
Tip 2 => Removing or alleviating the causes of sadness gives you back control of your life. This way you feel less at the mercy of the sadness and take a conscious and confident step towards it.
In many sad situations there is nothing you can do to change the situation.
We all know these situations. Something has happened that cannot be undone at that moment under any circumstances. The partner has moved out and will not come back again. The job is gone and you will certainly not find a job like in this company again. In such situations tip 1 becomes important.
Try to allow and feel the sadness. In addition, tip 3 will help you deal with your sadness: Take good care of yourself when you are sad.
Taking good care of yourself when you’re sad is an important step to making you feel better. But this is not about pushing the sadness away or just distracting yourself. But to consciously do something good in your sadness.
Kind of like when a loving father comforts a small child. The child may still be sad. It still cries. But it also feels: I am not alone. It feels good to be hugged. Being held.
You may continue to be sad. But you may also make sure that something feels good to you. That you experience a feeling of well-being in your sadness. As good as it can be.
Often this is not as easy as it sounds here. When the sadness is heavy and very intense, you can’t even imagine doing anything right now that can somehow do you good. Because in very sad situations the heavy and sad seems to permeate everything I do now. And it is a bit like that. And may be. Because the sadness is there.
In most cases you can still do something so that the sadness does not take you completely captive. Something to accentuate next to your sadness, so to speak. Something like a breeze blowing through your sadness. Or a gentle sunlight that shines on your sadness and makes it a little bit brighter.
Such a small accent can be very different. We humans are very different when it comes to these beneficial actions. That’s why it’s so important to ask yourself:
What is good for me?
What would give me a small sense of well-being in that moment?
The one exhausts himself in sports, the next one takes a long bath in the tub. Maybe you want to go for a walk? Or doing something completely different? Often it is worth to experiment a bit. To try out what might do you good. For me, some chores work z. B. very well. Baking or ironing. Others chop wood, screw around with their car, solve sudokus or crossword puzzles. And still others are watching a nice movie or weeding the garden.
Often it is also good to simply go out with a friend. Someone with whom you don’t have to show a put-on smile, but can and may also allow that you are sad. Because it always goes with you a little bit and then it’s good if you can allow and feel it again and again in between.
Tip 3 => Doing something good for yourself in sadness helps you feel better. And without repressing them or pushing them away. Because our feelings only work if we are all aware of them. The beautiful and the not so beautiful. But to feel the beautiful and pleasant next to and in the sadness works very well. And so you already feel a little better. And with sadness.
These three tips can help you in acute situations, i.e. when something sad has happened to you, when someone has disappointed you, you have lost something or someone, or a plan has failed.
But also when you think of a sad situation that happened in the past. Perhaps a relationship that has fallen apart. Or the death of a loved one. The end of your training or your studies. That you lost your job or were unhappily in love. Or the moment you discovered the first gray hairs on you. Just then tip 1 and tip 3 are especially valuable.
Feeling the sadness after the fact, allowing it to happen, can help you regain your strength.
For perhaps it has cost you a lot of energy to push away your sad feelings for a long period of time. Allowing them now can be very liberating. And leave you feeling calmer inside. And in addition you can take good care of yourself. So that you feel as comfortable as you can in your sadness.
Because both are allowed to exist side by side: the sad feelings and the joyful feelings. This gives you more energy and strength and makes you feel more alive as a whole.
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