Body language: this is what women do wrong when flirting

Anna Eube

How women stimulate themselves when flirting and why man should be more reserved in his body language. A body language expert reveals the secret signs when making contact.

W hy did he do what he did? Women love to ponder questions like these in conversations with other women; to take apart a discarded lover, the current partner, or even a flirtation from last night – in order to come to the conclusion that they made such stupid love blunders never would achieve. Which of course is not true. Women also make mistakes, just not quite so many and others.

This, explains body language expert Stefan Verra, is both their great advantage and disadvantage: "The reason why women can’t so easily get it wrong with their facial expressions and gestures when flirting is that men are simply more indiscriminate." However, they are not completely blind, so the author of "Hey, your body is flirting explains! Real male, real female – what we say without words" (edel Verlag) here are the six flirting mistakes of women. And he gives advice that a woman would have liked to have received much earlier.

I. Too quickly too specifically

"Women who take the initiative are readily perceived as mates. The average man – I cannot speak for the individual case – wants to conquer. If women signal too strongly that they are looking for a relationship, sustainability can fall by the wayside. Because clearly: first the man jumps at it, because at this point it makes no difference to him whether she wants to spend just one night with him or is looking for something longer-term. The chances of him showing interest in a relationship are higher if he has to make an effort for the woman – if she makes herself scarce. Then the man assumes: ‘Oh, she must have good genes and can afford it.’"

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II. Too quickly too dismissive

"The art of the woman is to alternate a little affection with a little rejection. On the one hand radiate sympathy, on the other act indignant when the man makes an advance – but secretly be disappointed when he gives up too quickly. I have experienced this game myself with my wife. She showed me that she liked me and her friend gave me her phone number. But to my first SMS she wrote dryly: ‘How did you get my number??’ However, a woman should not behave too dismissively if she is interested. This signals to any psychologically healthy man after a while: ‘Okay, I have no chance here.’"

III. Follow wrong advice

"Quite a lot of life hacks and great tips that you can read in the tabloids of this earth are written by women themselves. And women tend to write things they’d like to read, but that men have never been asked about. Example high-heeled shoes: Of course they are attractive, but women who love shoes make a fuss about them. In the end, women on very high shoes put themselves under the protection of the man, because the heels make them vulnerable: One would only have to give her a little push and she would fall over. If now a saber-toothed tiger would come around the corner, that would be her death sentence. In short, yes, it’s a nice signal, but it doesn’t require Louboutins or Jimmy Choos."

IV. Dress up

"A hint that I always give to women from a body language point of view is: Don’t overdo it! Because yes, women are in their courtship behavior clearly more oriented to beauty than men, there is much more invested, time and money. But often, women focus on a detail: a fold of skin, a curl of hair that sticks out stupidly from the head. And therefore overdo it with makeup or hairstyle to fix the supposed flaw. For some, this borders on dysmorphophia – a distorted perception of self. The man does not even notice this flaw, he perceives the woman as a whole appearance – by the way, it is like this with all people, even women who look at men. Now, if a man sees thick makeup or a big blow-dried mane, he thinks the woman has erected a barrier around herself. He feels: ‘To her I have no access.Many women are also reluctant to show themselves to men directly after getting up, without make-up and with tangled hair – but how many men like exactly that?? Very many."

V. Bad: whispering. Worse: going to the toilet in pairs

‘ What do women do when they are stressed, not only when flirting, but also in exam situations, for example? They whisper with girlfriends. Men mostly relieve their stress in solitude, on the smartphone maybe. When a man now sees: The woman who just gave me a look is now only talking to her girlfriend, then he feels excluded. It gets even worse when the women disappear to the bathroom together to continue whispering there. Then the man has no access at all, he feels excluded."

VI. Fear

"When it comes to male sexual signals in my live shows, it’s often loud, so women sometimes scream: ‘Men only think about the one thing!’ But as soon as I ask what female sexual signals are, there is dead silence. This is because we always associate flirting with sex, although this is not at all permissible in terms of body language. It works like this: when a person sees another for the first time, they have to decide quickly whether to keep them away or communicate with them. That’s why flirt signals are just signs that you’re ready to make contact right now – nothing more. It is our task to free flirting from sexuality. When you understand this, it’s really fun. Then you wink at each other at the traffic lights, then drive on in different directions – and have experienced self-affirmation without anything disreputable having happened."

And another tip

"Women touch each other 50 percent more often than men touch each other. They do this to strengthen bonds, to level out differences. When a woman touches a man, it is a very intense body language signal. So that this is not misunderstood as a sexual innuendo, my advice is: stroke a man calmly over the arm, but tap him afterwards still lightly on it! This makes any intimacy disappear, this gesture seems collegial, friendly. And it maintains distance, if you want to maintain some."

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