When we are afraid, we often feel uncomfortable and have the feeling that we are defenseless against the outside world and can do nothing about it. However, our fears have already had an extremely important function in the past: without them, we would probably not have been able to survive. Fear often fulfills a protective function. For example, when we are afraid of a deep commitment to a person, we typically do not enter into that commitment. Our fears keep us from doing things because we may have been hurt in the past or because we want to protect ourselves from being betrayed. Even if fears have a protective effect, they can become a great burden. This usually happens when they restrict our everyday life and our actions. To prevent this from happening, existing fears should be resolved and overcome in the long term.
In this blog post, we will show you which fears can be distinguished from each other and which fears are most common in the relationship. Next, we explain how you can overcome your feelings of anxiety. We also show why it is not useful to stop one’s own fear and not deal with it. If you would like to work on your fear with professional help, this can also be a way to overcome your own fears.
Content at a Glance:
Why do fears arise and what worries might you carry within you?
Inner fears usually do not arise just like that. Often there is a trigger that causes the fear and has brought it to the surface. Depending on which specific fears one carries within oneself, the trigger may also be different. However, if it is found, you can conquer your fear in the long term.
Before we can embark on a search for the cause behind an existing fear, it should first be clarified which different feelings of fear can be distinguished from one another. We have presented and explained a few different fears for you below:
Some people feel surrounded by financial worries. These fears arise, for example, when one does not currently have a job and also cannot find a potential job. Or you may be happy with your job, but not earning enough money to live a carefree life. It is also conceivable that, for example, one would like to expand spatially or start a family, but is afraid that the financial means for this are not sufficient.
Social anxiety plays a major role, especially in our private lives. They occur, for example, when we fear that we do not belong to a group and feel excluded. However, they can also arise when we feel that we look weird or strange to other people. Social anxiety is reflected in avoiding interpersonal contact as much as possible. You also fear rejection and negative comments and often avoid contact with strangers.
Fear of childbirth
Deep-seated pre-birth fears can also affect a person’s daily life or. of a couple strongly influence. With these fears, one is afraid that something will go wrong during childbirth or that one will have to suffer severe pain. Often such a fear arises when one has already gone through a difficult delivery or when one has heard reports of births with complications in one’s immediate environment. The fear of a miscarriage can also play a role.
Fear in relation to work
Fears in relation to the job can be quite differently pronounced. For example, some people fear going to work. They are then, for example, afraid of being confronted with certain situations, people or objects. However, you may also dislike going to work and develop a deeper fear because you have to deal with a lot of conflict between co-workers or bullying/harassment/unfairness.
Anxiety disorders, i.e. irrational fears, occur seemingly without any real reason. As a result, these strong feelings are very difficult to control for the person concerned. Irrational fears often occur in situations that other people would classify as normal. Such fears can arise, for example, because of negative experiences in childhood.
Fear of illness
Sometimes the fear of illness also plays an extremely important role. In this case, one is afraid of becoming a victim of a certain disease. Such a fear can have a strong influence on everyday life. Affected persons often pay close attention to the symptoms of their own body and want to know as quickly as possible whether everything is really okay. Frequent visits to the doctor can be a consequence of this behavior. Other people, in turn, deliberately avoid doctors to avoid confrontation.
Fear of the future and death
Fear of the future and – someday imminent – death can also limit people. People with fears of the future are afraid, for example, of developments that could occur in the future or, for example, of their partner leaving them at some point in time. It is similar with the fear of death. Here, the uncertainty of when and by what means one’s own life will end takes a large share.
Attachment anxiety and fear of loss
Attachment anxiety and fear of loss are two typical fears that come to light time and again, especially in the context of relationships and partnerships. What exactly this is all about, you can read in more detail in the following section.
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What fears exist in the relationship?
In the context of a relationship, attachment anxiety and fear of loss are particularly relevant. These fears can have a strong influence on the relationship dynamics, as they often limit the scope of action of the persons involved.
From Attachment anxiety This is when you are afraid of actively getting involved with another person in a relationship. This fear can have various causes. Often it is conditioned by bad experiences from the past. Possibly, for example, there was a separation that was very painful and has not yet been properly processed. In order not to feel so strongly again, one does not want to get involved with a new partner now. The fear then acts as a kind of self-protection to avoid being hurt again. However, it is also conceivable that one still carries emotional injuries from a previous relationship, which have a burdening effect. This can also lead to a fear of entering into a new partnership.
The counterpart to commitment anxiety is loss anxiety Fear of loss dar. This manifests itself in the fact that you are afraid of being abandoned by your partner. Again, the cause is often found in the past. It is conceivable, for example, that you were betrayed in a previous relationship or had to go through a sudden breakup. In order not to experience this again, you try to change your behavior in the current relationship and always be aware of what the other person is doing. This can put a lot of strain on a relationship.
Overcoming Fears: Tips and strategies to overcome anxiety
If you want to work on your own fears and release them, then this requires perseverance, patience and hard work. Fears usually can’t be solved from one day to the next. It often takes time to find the root cause behind your fear, resolve it, and adopt a new attitude. In the following we will show you how this process can work and which strategies can be suitable for you.
Note: In the following process steps, we refer exclusively to the fears that are particularly relevant in the context of a relationship. Nevertheless, the scheme can also be applied to other fears that you currently feel surrounded by.
Step 1: Accept your fear and embrace it!
Before the actual process starts, you as the person affected should become aware of your fear. It is sometimes helpful to question atypical behaviors and reflect on why you behave the way you do in such situations. In the context of commitment anxiety, one behavior could be, for example, that you repeatedly break off contact despite a nice acquaintance, but do not understand yourself why you are doing this. By looking for the indicators, you can gradually deduce what challenge you are struggling with (internally).
When it is clear which fear it is in detail, the person concerned should have the desire to change something about the current situation. This means that you are full of energy and can fully engage in the process.
Step 2: Question your fear and look for the trigger behind it!
If you want to overcome your fear, you first have to find its origin. Where it comes from? Since when does it exist? Often emotional injuries, which have not been resolved so far, and imprints from childhood are the cause of a deep-seated fear. However, depending on the fears you feel surrounded by, other factors can of course also play a role.
Example situation 1 (commitment anxiety): If you have been hurt badly in your past relationship, then this can manifest itself today in a commitment anxiety. You therefore consciously push people away from you when the bond becomes too tight, so that it does not come to another emotional injury.
Example situation 2 (fear of loss): You may have had the experience in childhood of your parents separating because of an affair or a betrayal. You also carry this fear inside you, because it has not been solved yet. To avoid being abandoned and betrayed you now tend to control your partner.
Once you have found the trigger behind your fear, you can move on to the next step and work on actively resolving it.
Step 3: Dissolve your fear little by little!
If you have found the triggers behind your fear, then you can now systematically work on and resolve them. The SystemEmpowering method is suitable for this, by which you go back to the point where it used to be good.
In your concrete case this would mean that you go to the point in your past where your fear was not yet present. Here you are looking for the first event that triggered your fear. In terms of commitment anxiety, it could be around the point where a painful breakup occurred, for example. If the first formative event was, for example, an escalated argument with your ex-partner, then you can start right here. It is important that you dissociate yourself from the situation. The point is that you look at a past situation in a new way. Suffering that has been experienced once should not be experienced a second time.
Once the first emotional injury is found, the next step is to resolve it. In return, the injured person should show his or her suffering and share the grief, anger or fear that has arisen with the other person involved. The person who caused the suffering sees it and can proportionately accept the unpleasant feelings that have arisen. Once this sub-process is complete and the suffering has been seen and resolved, you will receive new energy. The first emotional injury has now been resolved. This process can now be played out again and again for the coming events. Affected people often find out that they would have behaved differently if the first emotional injury had not occurred. In this way you would possibly no longer have rejected all potential partners from you, but would have been open for a new relationship.
Note: Often it is not possible for the injured person and the person causing the anxiety to meet in person. However, an inner resolution is also sufficient to release unpleasant feelings.
Step 4: Take a new attitude and look ahead!
The first step, i.e. the dissolution of the fear, has now already been successfully mastered. However, our beliefs can also influence our actions. If you feel that you are still surrounded by bad beliefs, you can now work on them and change them into positive beliefs. You now know that you don’t have to be afraid of relationships and that conflicts and separations can be resolved harmoniously. A quarrel does not have to end in you being hurt or having to fear a new partnership.
Your newly defined beliefs can be strengthened by reliving your past. You now see your newfound energy. Through the associated reliving of your past, new feelings arise that strengthen you. If possible, you can repeat this process daily. In this way, you internalize your newly established beliefs over time and can live them out in everyday life.
Enduring fears: This is why this strategy is not useful in the long run!
If you want to conquer your fears, you can use the step-by-step guide that we explained to you in detail in the previous section. Often it is not helpful if you have recognized a fear and try to endure it.
Enduring fears means that the trigger behind your fear also continues to exist. For example, if there are emotional injuries that cause fear, they will continue to exist and burden you. Limitations in everyday life, dissatisfaction and disappointment can also continue to be a part of life. You may be inhibited in some areas of your life, you may not dare to enter into a relationship, you may feel the need to control the behavior of others, or you may avoid interpersonal contact.
If, instead, fear is not endured, but purposefully resolved, then you can develop freely and are no longer restricted by your fear. Using the example of fear of loss, this could mean that you no longer feel the need to control your partner. Instead, you build on honesty, respect and communication in your partnership. Thus constant control is no longer necessary. In this way, you not only do something good for yourself, but also for your environment.
Conquering fear with one-on-one coaching
If you would like to work on your anxiety, but would like professional support, then one-on-one coaching might be the way to go for you. One-on-one coaching is a good way to calmly find the triggers behind your fear and solve them. You will not be alone, but will be supported by your consultant. In this way, you can ensure that emotional injuries are really solved in the long term and that you conquer your fear.
In individual coaching we usually also work with a tried and tested method. With the life idealists we work with the SystemEmpowering method, where we go back to the point in your past where it used to be good. This is not a superficial solution to your fears, but a deep and lasting one.
In the case of individual coaching, you also have the advantage that your coach accompanies you throughout the entire process. So if you get stuck, need a tip or would like to talk more intensively about a particular aspect, your advisor is at your side. The coaching will also be completely customized to your needs.
Podcast episodes on the topic of overcoming fears
Do you like listening to podcasts and want to learn even more about the topic of overcoming fears? No problem! We’ve linked you to a few exciting episodes from our podcast on this very topic:
Fears can occur in different forms and can put a strain on you and your relationship. So we would recommend you take your anxiety in hand and solve it. For this you can use the instructions that we have presented to you in our article. Professional help could also be suitable for you, if you would like to have a coach by your side during this process.
You would like to deal with this topic even more intensively? No problem, in our blog section we have prepared several articles that might be suitable for you. In our article "Conflict aversion: These are the reasons for it!"You can find out why some people are afraid of disputes with their partner and how to deal with them. If you are currently experiencing discrepancies between closeness and distance, then this article is perfect for working on this issue. Last but not least, you are welcome to visit our topic page "Overcoming fears. There we have once again listed the most important points for you.