“My husband has left me, and the reason is called lisa”

"My husband has left me, and the reason is called lisa"

When a relationship breaks up because the man separates, the reason not infrequently has a name. In the case of Anna from our community the reason was called Lisa and was about 20 years younger When she. For the mother of two a huge shock. Never in her life would she have thought that her Ben was "that kind of man". Anna told us the whole story.

After 13 years together the shock came out of nowhere

Anna is 42 years old and has been with her husband Ben for 13 years. The two of them have two children together, Finn is now 7 years old, his little sister Lotta is 5. The night Ben opened up to Anna that it was over, the mom of two will never forget. Especially the reason for the sudden separation hit Anna very hard. Because her husband had fallen in love again – with a much younger woman. You can read about how Anna found out about it and what she went through here:

"It was the 18. August 2018, actually a normal evening – at least I thought so. After the children were finally in bed, I went to my husband in the living room. Ben was not sitting on the couch as usual, but standing at the window staring outside. When he turned to me and I saw the look on his face, my heart sank. Immediately I had different horror scenarios in my head.

However, I was in no way prepared for what was to happen next.

‘What’s wrong?’, I asked worriedly, but Ben just looked at me. At some point he said the five words that would change everything. ‘It just doesn’t work anymore.’ I didn’t even know what he meant. He stammered something about ‘living apart’, ‘not being happy for a long time’ and ‘I don’t want this anymore’. When I realized that my husband was about to end our relationship, I froze. How could this be? A few minutes ago everything had been like always. And now, while our children were sleeping peacefully in the next room, a few meters away our family was about to break up? That was not allowed!

After the initial shock, I tried to talk to Ben. To make him understand that he couldn’t possibly give up everything we had built up in 13 years together. I appealed to his conscience, told him to think of the children. Finally I begged him to give us another chance. After all, we could talk about anything. But he remained firm.

Suddenly this thought popped into my head – but could it really be?

‘What is her name?’, I asked Ben on the off chance.

When I saw the look on his face I knew I was right – and therefore I didn’t stand a chance. My husband would actually leave me for another. I felt sick. In my head, I felt 1.000 questions. How long had it been going on with the two of them? How did he know them? How old she was? And how the hell could he give up our family for her?

I got the answers a short time later – and in retrospect I would have preferred to spare myself them. Ben had met Lisa at work. A few weeks ago, when she (!) I started working for him at the company, and the two of them hit it off pretty quickly. And according to my husband, it made him realize what he was missing in our marriage. Well, thank you very much! ‘But the best part:

Lisa was just in her early 20s and thus almost 20 years younger than me.

Apart from the fact that I suddenly felt so damn old, it also made me incredibly angry. Because by implication, that meant: My husband left me and blew up our family for a woman who could be his daughter. It really couldn’t get any more cliche, could it??

I don’t know how I got through the following night. While Ben slept on the sofa, I tossed and turned in bed and cried uncontrollably into my pillow. The next day I called in sick at work, took the kids to daycare – and continued to cry. All this simply could not be true. And I had no idea how I was going to make it work. Was I with my 40 years now really suddenly single and a single parent? I functioned because I had to – for our children. Finn was just 5 years old at that time, his sister Lotta only 3.

They were also the reason Ben stayed with us to begin with. Until I just couldn’t anymore. I could not stand it anymore. This feigned happiness, this forced closeness, although I really hated him for what he had done. And finally the hypocritical facade in front of the kids and everyone else, when all he was really waiting for was to finally go to his girlfriend’s house when the kids were in bed

So after all this time my (now suddenly ex) husband was ‘finally happy again’

As he of course had to rub my nose in several times. And I? I was devastated. The worst part was that I couldn’t even cut him out of my life completely. After all, we have two wonderful children who love their dad, look forward to every meeting with him and enjoy spending time with him. So that this doesn’t come across wrong here: I’m really happy that the three of them have such a good relationship with each other. I am happy for my children.

It was hard enough to explain to them that Daddy suddenly doesn’t live here anymore. They don’t really understand the reasons yet, and they don’t have to. They only know that mom and dad can’t live together anymore because they don’t love each other enough. And that it had nothing to do with them. Of course they were sad anyway. I don’t know how many times the big one cried in bed at night because he missed daddy so much. How many times his little sister asked me when daddy was finally coming back, and why he was gone so long in the first place.

In the meantime they got used to the new situation, fortunately. They get to talk to dad on the phone whenever they want to. And he picks them up regularly every Wednesday and every other weekend. In this respect, Ben can really not be blamed, he is a great dad.

He wants to ‘always be there for the kids’.

And although I know that this is the best thing for them, I can’t get rid of the thought of what this means for me. That I will also "always" have him in my life – whether I want it or not. Being constantly rubbed in my face about how happy he is with his new, young girlfriend, for whom he ended our relationship after such a long time. Each time I’m reminded that things will never be the same again. That our family doesn’t exist like that anymore. And that he now spends the weekends with Lisa and our kids instead.

Over the years, many of our friends have broken up.

When my best friend was left by her husband – for a younger woman, of course – I stood by her. We cursed the "son of a bitch" together and wondered how you can be so wrong about someone. I’ve encouraged her that he’s a complete jerk who doesn’t deserve her mourning after him. Never in my life would I have thought that I would feel the same way. And now? Now I was the one with the "bastard". And not mourning was a nice theory – but unfortunately not more than that.

Of course Ben and I were not always happy. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Of course there were also quarrels, sometimes more, sometimes less. But I’ve always told myself that this is perfectly normal after all this time. That in 13 years you have crises that you overcome together. That after all this time everyday life no longer consists only of pink wolves and pure passion. And that you decide to live together at the latest when you start a family together. Apparently, I was more than thoroughly mistaken.

It’s been almost 2 years since our breakup.

It really took me a long time to come to terms with that. How long exactly, I can’t say. In fact, sometimes I still get angry when I think about it. Because I simply never thought that Ben belongs to the type of man I have always despised. Never in my life would I have imagined that my husband would really dump me for a 20-year-old. I really resent him, still do.

I know I should check it off, but I can’t. The reason for this is also a piece of news that has thrown me completely off track again. Because even though Ben always told me that he didn’t want a third child, he’s now going to be a dad again. So while I said goodbye to my wish to have children with a heavy heart, he can experience all this once again. The first ultrasound, the heart sounds on the CTG, the baby kicking in his girlfriend’s belly, the birth, the first time with the little worm. When I think about it, the hatred rises up in me. And an incredible anger – even now.

Apart from these phases of anger our relationship has relaxed a bit

Nevertheless, we will probably not become best friends in this life. But we don’t have to. Ben is happy with Lisa and the soon-to-be-baby, and the kids really like her now too. But what stung me at the beginning leaves me cold now. Instead I’m happy for my two that they can really enjoy the time with daddy.

Maybe one of the reasons for my new relaxedness is that I recently met Felix. I never thought I could trust a man again after that story. With Felix I could actually imagine it. He is a completely different type than Ben. Rather quiet, yet very open and warm-hearted. We’ll take things very slowly and see how it goes. But at least I have a good feeling again for the first time since the story with Ben. And just in case you are interested: No, Felix is not 20 years younger than me, but 2 years older.

I know that many women feel the same way as I do.

That is why I would like to tell you at this point: You are not alone. I know how bad it feels. Like humiliated and like in the wrong movie. But even if it doesn’t feel like it at that moment – it will get better, believe me. It took me a long time to realize this, but in the end it is better the way it is. Or would you really want to be together for the rest of your life with a man who has secretly separated from you for a long time?? Who seriously thought about leaving you for a younger woman to polish up his ego? I for myself can clearly say ‘No’!’.

As the saying goes Every end is also a new beginning. Again a cliche, I know. But there is really a lot of truth in this one!"

Thank you, dear Anna, for your real and honest story.

How is it with you, did you have to experience perhaps something similar? Or do you have any advice for all moms who feel the same way?? We are looking forward to your comments!

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