“I can not go!”toxic relationships and their effects

You often feel worthless and at the mercy of your relationship? They are sometimes strange to themselves? You align your life completely with your partner, bend until there’s nothing left to bend, and do everything you can to please them?

The panic that he might leave you rules your entire life? And even though the really good times are already a felt eternity ago, you desperately hold on to your partnership?

You may be living in a toxic relationship – perhaps without even realizing it yet.

In this post I’ll show you what constitutes toxic relationships and how you can tell if you are living in one. Also, from my perspective as a counselor and coach, I’ll give you three steps that can help you break free from your destructive attachment and get back into YOUR life.

What constitutes toxic relationships

One speaks of toxic relationships, if a partnership costs permanently more strength than it gives. Toxic relationship patterns are u.a. characterized by selfishness, oppression and control addiction by one of the partners.

Physical and/or especially psychological abuse characterize a toxic relationship.

This one finds bspw. in the form of degrading behaviors (insults, slights and ignorance) and reversals of the "facts" (you are sick! You are not normal!) instead of.

(You may also like to read on here: "Leave or stay?": Can you save a toxic relationship?)

How you can tell that you are living in a toxic relationship

Toxic relationships cannot be defined in general terms, because each person feels boundaries differently. Still, there are some markers you can use to guide you:

In toxic relationships you feel bad most of the time. Happiness is tied to "good behavior" on your part.

Whether you are caught in a toxic bond can be recognized superficially by the fact that you feel bad in your partnership most of the time, but you (already) perceive this as normal or repress it.

There may be intense moments of happiness in your relationship – but these are often long ago or tied to "good behavior" on your part.

Even though there is an inner voice urging you to break up, you can’t get away from your partner. Just the thought of a breakup causes feelings of anxiety and panic.

Toxic relationships change you for the worse

Women or men who are in toxic relationships often change over time. If they were cheerful, sociable and self-confident before the partnership began, they become increasingly insecure, unstable, introverted and sad.

Relatives or friends often don’t recognize the affected person. Visible changes z.B. also of photos taken before and during the partnership.

Recent studies even suggest links between toxic relationships and insomnia, depression and stress syndromes (https://lexikon.stangl.eu/24451/toxic-relationships/).

How to break a toxic relationship

# 1 Trust your gut feeling!

You feel guilty towards your partner just for reading this article? He is always so good to you.

Or maybe not?

If you remember your dating phase, you didn’t really have a good feeling about it from the beginning? And sometimes, when your partner blames you and your behavior or even calls you sick, there is definitely a voice that doubts his blaming?

And anyway, you actually know that you are reading this article for a reason!? Then trust yourself!

The cleverness of our subconscious

Did you know that, according to the latest assumptions, our subconscious mind holds about 80.000 information processed 1 ? It is therefore about 10.000 times faster (and if you like also smarter) than our conscious mind.

Often the trust in oneself is sensitively disturbed by living in a toxic relationship. Learn to trust yourself and your gut feeling (again)!

(Possibly you could be interested in this connection also for my contributions 5 Tipps for more self love – part 1 and part 2!?)

# 2 Break the silence!

Many people, both men and women, who have been in toxic relationships are ashamed – both of themselves and of others.

You feel guilty, rack your brain with why questions, and condemn yourself for not being able to free yourself from your dependency on your own power.

You are not wrong or strange!

You started this relationship out of good intentions; namely, because, like every human being, you have longed for closeness, connection, and love. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

Break the silence! Deal with yourself first and then with family, friends, therapists, coaches, a support group o.a. into the conversation.

Once this step has been taken, it is usually half the battle.

# 3 Design new beliefs and make plans for the future!

Most likely your beliefs have suffered extremely in the course of your partnership. Phrases like "I can’t live without him/her", "I am worthless", "I do everything wrong and am not worth loving" o.a. Have probably become your everyday companions.

It is time for new beliefs.

Exercise beliefs

Try the following:

Put a small rug, a sheet of paper o.a. into the middle of the room. This is you. And now take a close look! Try to remember perhaps also the you before the partnership!

Which positive belief system suits you? What were the postitive beliefs in your life before your current relationship??

This may be a bit disconcerting at first glance. Take your time! Try again tomorrow if it doesn’t work today!

You have found a belief. Great!

Create self-confidence and vision

Write this down on a piece of paper to put in your pocket or nightstand or office desk drawer.

This note is good for two things:

1. Read it whenever you start doubting yourself and/or your gut feeling again.

2. Use it to connect with your future. Develop wishes and dreams based on your new belief set (of course, you can develop as many positive beliefs as you like – the more the better); z.B. Travel alone again, have a harmonious partnership, start a new job, set up a nice new apartment, etc.

Even if you’re not really convinced yet: Pretend you already are! Paint your future without a toxic relationship in the most dazzling of colors! Dream about your new life at least 15 minutes a day!

At the beginning you may find it very difficult. Still give yourself a chance! The brain is extremely capable of learning. It will become easier and easier for you to imagine a beautiful future without your current partner.


Living in toxic relationships usually causes an immense amount of suffering for those affected. In the process, toxic relationships can result in both psychological and physical problems.

Despite the cognitive insight, it is a major feat for sufferers to break through the complex dependency structure and get (back) on their own feet.

If you are in a toxic relationship yourself, break your silence and try anything that strengthens you and your self-image! And then make a battle plan (possibly my post about toxic family relationships can additionally support you in your solution finding process.)

If you still don’t manage to get out of your partnership over a longer period of time, this is no reason to doubt yourself. There are plenty of professionals who can help you. Take the first step and seek professional help in the form of a therapist, coach, group o.a.

(If you’d like to learn even more about toxic relationships and how they manifest, feel free to read on in my series of posts, "Recognizing Toxic Relationships".)

1 Bernhardt, Klaus: Getting rid of panic attacks and other anxiety disorders, 14. Aufl., 2016 Munich, S. 39.

Mask in the flowerbed © Joshua_Willson on Pixabay | Desperate woman © Ulrike Mai on Pixabay | Prison © Ichigo1212 on Pixabay | Poison bottle © Arek Socha on Pixabay | Woman on top © StockSnap on Pixabay | Chains © PublicDomainPictures on Pixabay | Being Free © fsHH on Pixabay | There is magic in every beginning © nile on Pixabay

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Thank you very much for the helpful post! Very cool tip.

Thank you! Such a note in your pocket never hurts ;-); you can transfer it very well to other areas of life as well.

I think this post is so great written. Gives courage for the future. I myself have unfortunately been in several toxic relationships…this topic is simply a matter of the heart for me. I have also published a book about this on Amazon. Contributions, like yours bring it also simply only on the point. Listening to your own gut feeling is so important! I also think you should not ignore the first signs of disrespect.

Kindest regards
Lola Lembke

Dear Lola,
thank you for your positive feedback. For me this topic is also a matter of the heart, because in my counseling I meet again and again people who got into toxic relationships and have an immense suffering pressure. I am also currently working on a book on the subject&
Love greetings,

The problem: After the relationship was officially ended, we are still in a friendship and work relationship.What made letting go more difficult.The sadness and disappointment of the lost love still resonates.The feeling of not having been good enough remains and so do the toxic mechanisms that have prevented love from happening.

yes, I can only confirm that the story about respect is important. I noticed it, but ignored it, the salted bill came posthaste. I recommend in case of disrespect to address it and in case of repetition to break off the relationship. Disrespect has nothing to do with love or "slips", disrespect shows a basic attitude which is not acceptable! I wish everyone much strength for positive changes .

Thank you for this empowering post, I finally after 15 years left my ex husband 2 days ago when I could use the opportunity and escaped. It is still difficult for me because I have strong feelings of guilt to which I still feel compassion, whether they are my real feelings I do not know.
The thought of finally being free is very blurry and I question myself all the time. But it was the best decision I could make.

Thanks to your helpful post, I look ahead.

thank you for your lines! You can be very proud of yourself – even if it may not feel like it for you right now. Two days are still so fresh: be patient with yourself ,pat yourself on the back and love yourself as much as you can! You deserve it. I take my hat off to everyone who manages to get out of something that is not good for him with a heavy heart! Best regards and hang in there, Annika

Hello thank you for the words of encouragement I have a boyfriend who is addicted to me he clings to me and when I say something he is always nagging at me I suggested to him to take a break in the relationship then he snapped he has never hit me but he always hurts me mentally the way he treats me and he always dictates my life what I should always do when I say something he always says no my feeling is that he has my life under control I always think how it is to be single but I can’t leave him he always blames me for everything and then he is always the good one and I am the bad one I am unhappy I don’t know what to do I am always looking on the internet what I could do we argue every day and he puts me down I don’t feel good in our relationship anymore. What do you think?

Dear Victoria,
what you write does not sound "good" all in all (but you know that yourself long ago).

If you are not (yet) able to detach, my tip would be to first do everything you can to work on the issues of self-worth, self-esteem and self-love. You may also need professional support in the form of a funded psychotherapy, a support group, a (women’s) counseling o.a. help. Maybe you should look around and think about what could be good for you if you can’t find a solution on your own in the long run!?

And maybe other readers have some advice for you as well!?

Best wishes and all the best, Annika

I feel the same as you dear Victoria and the whole 4 years already I have tried off to get rid of him again and again he stands remorsefully in front of my door and I can not help it and open it again and again to him altogether we are almost 8 years together and I 4 years unhappy it will not get better but rather worse for your soul if you do not if you don’t realize that his side efforts to see you happy are coming if you go along for too long as you describe you will not get out of the relationship without help and change because what my relationship did to me I am not I am not myself anymore I am now seeking professional help to be able to let go
Greetings Franzisca

Dear Francisca,
thank you for your words!
You hit the nail on the head, I think: "it will not get better, but rather worse for your soul".
Much strength also for you! Love, Annika

Thank you very much dear Annika
I will also need a lot of strength

You are not alone. With me it is exactly the same, only that we have a child together. Everything becomes much more difficult. Find myself in a maelstrom from which there is no escape. That’s how I feel most days&

You give the answer yourself.You do not feel well anymore.That is: you are not valued and supported enough.He should see your openness as a chance for him to develop.Instead, he wants to maintain his power and narcissism at all costs-but at your expense. You can no longer breathe because he occupies you with what right?He should feel guilty the way he meets you.Much strength wishes you Lisa

Hello Sarah Kromer,
I have had a very similar experience to yours. It was idealized and devalued by my ex-girlfriend. I was emotionally dependent on this woman and allowed her to isolate me more and more from my family and friends. Have always tried to please her so she is happy and have neglected myself to some extent. I also fled and I can understand your feelings of guilt and so on. I have made a list of negative points of the relationship that I always bring out when I am brooding too much again. I moved in with my parents again when I was 40 so that I could go through with the separation. I just wanted to share this with you. We can do this&

I was not sure if what was happening could be called a toxic relationship, but thinking back this is a form of it. It makes me sick! I was a single parent for 17 years, I was self-confident and strong. today I don’t have any self-confidence anymore just because I got involved in his game. I have started a new hobby and my sentence today is: "I want this – I can do this – I can do this!"Strange, considering how strong I was 1 year ago. With one step I’m out of the relationship but I haven’t quite made it yet.

Dear Sylke,
You can be very proud of yourself that you have already taken a step – because the first step is always the beginning of every journey! With your new hobby and your (in my opinion very beautiful) sentence, you have already created a very good basis from which you can go further. I wish you a lot of strength, self-confidence and self-love on your way. Best regards, Annika

Hello everyone!&
I recognize myself in so many accounts from many of you…I think my husband has narcissistic traits, but I have repressed it over the years. He controls our whole life and determines many things. For a while it worked for me, especially because I was busy with 3 children and I love being a mother. I am (was) a teacher and gave up my profession after the maternity leave. My husband earns very well and has made it possible for me to stay at home with the children, organize the complete family management and keep his back free for his work. I have really lacked nothing. Now I’m at a point where I’m slowly realizing that I’m very much controlled by others. The last years I have rebelled again and again, so that I don’t lose my liberties completely. Everything happens slowly – it is a toxic process. But I was also involved..
I have accepted much too much. In addition, I am a very empathetic person and cannot stand it when injustice or suffering is done to others. For my family, first of all for my dear children, I am always there and I have no problem to take a step back.
The relationship (marriage) has deteriorated a lot in the last years. My husband is the boss of a company and often cannot distinguish between his job and his private life. Then he does not want to talk back, is faultless, lecturing and determining. If something goes against the grain, he can become very hot-tempered and abusive. Most of the time we and especially I get his problems from the company. Then he comes home without a word or a greeting and finds fault everywhere. In situations like this or in arguments, he verbally goes after me and puts down my work at home, claiming that I have no organization and I just can’t do it. In general it is always messy in the whole house. My family and the few friends that still come confirm me the opposite. He has already got me to the point where I clean and tidy up before he gets home, so that my husband doesn’t nag me again and spoil the mood right at the beginning. And for everything that goes wrong, I am responsible and for everything I am the culprit.
I react more and more rejecting to him and his kind. Sometimes I fight back, sometimes I hold the mirror up to him and I am also so mean to him, but sometimes I just don’t have any strength. In the very beginning my husband was different…. I know him well, but he has so many facets. What hurts me most is his indifference and ignorance towards me, although I know that he cares a lot about me (he usually emphasizes this to others, he hasn’t said it to me for a long time). Also his way, when z.B. When friends are with us, and he makes up to me in front of them or points out how much he has already achieved in life and what he doesn’t offer his family. I don’t like any more visits, neither with us, nor anywhere else, because I don’t know how he will be with me again.
There would be so many situations to describe, which confirm his narcissistic traits, but that would go beyond the scope here (have already written so much anyway&)
One thing I have to mention (although it’s grotesque), but I love him (still) and would like nothing more than a harmonious, respectful and fulfilling partnership with him ( also because of the children !) wish. Only I have known for a long time that this will not come true-
and nevertheless (and because of many other things) I continue to hope.
I don’t have the strength and means to end the marriage. I think again and again, everything has a meaning and it will be all right.
Stupid? Naive? Dreamy? Combative? Strong? Weak?
I don’t know..
LG, Claudi

Dear Claudi,
very brave of you that you express yourself so openly here. Many thanks for that!

That you are insecure about your situation (and your questions: Am I stupid?)? Naive? Dreamy etc.) is m.E. A normal reaction to the fact that you have been in this relationship dynamic for many years now. We humans are wired in such a way that what we experience every day (in relationships), hear, see, etc., we don’t know. little by little to our (only?) Reality or. of our normality.

In my consultations, I have made the experience that it is very difficult to almost impossible to get z.B. to remember how you imagined relationship sometime before all this, while you are still in the middle of it. You get tangled up and don’t know anymore where up and down is. And then you add love to the mix, which doesn’t necessarily make it easier to look at your own life from a meta level in a situation like this.

The gut feeling is m.E. a good indicator to answer the crucial questions. Maybe you could start there: Listen to what your gut is telling you. Maybe he also has an answer to the question of what you gain from your relationship.

I send you warm greetings and wish that you find answers to your questions, Annika

Hello Claudi,your story reads like a novel.You have the feeling of taking a trip to another century.When the relationship between man and woman was just as unequal. Not at eye level?
I know this.You gave up your job, sacrificed yourself, gave up recognition and social contacts and opportunities for development, and as a reward you are reduced to a frustration garbage can.If you still love each other, couples therapy might be an option.Or you do a dance course where you learn to synchronize again.company is not everything.But maybe your husband will understand this only when he has lost his beloved wife because of this.When the pressure of suffering is big enough your psyche will find a way out. I wish you a lot of courage and strength to fight for your happiness.

Hello claudi,
What you have written reflects my relationship and that already after three years.. and I am only 22..I can feel it so well, only that my friend wants me to earn more and do something else.. (I am a hairdresser) but I like this job so much and I fought so hard for it in my training.. and I don’t want to and I won’t give it up.. that is the only thing I have left.. also with this ignorance and disrespect for others or for friends I know.. I can also slowly no longer.. but I can’t let go and can’t get away either..

thank you for writing here too.

I wish you a lot of strength and that you definitely stick to your job (and to yourself!).

If you can’t cope on your own, please don’t be afraid to seek help (therapy, groups, etc).) to look for.

Greetings and all the love,

I have the feeling you are the mirror of my situation. Could cry straight

My name is Silke I was with a narcissist for 4 years. Managed to separate a week ago. He destroyed my soul. I am not the person I used to be. I have given him so much love, he has trampled it with feet.I was always to blame no matter what….I was allowed to all the way he wanted to shape his life…where I was never included….Never say anything. Was punished with ignorance and humiliated. When I met him he was so sweet after 4months he was like transformed…..First time vacation alone with his children …today 21 and 18.Then vacation with mom brother and sister….Then his hobby climbing so also visit courses…u.s.w.At some point it was my turn to be the last one….especially since we had a long distance relationship. Distance 5 hours. I don’t know until today what I was really for him….In spite of all this I suffer terribly…am in such a deep hole …do not know at the moment how to get out of it …..

Dear Silke, thank you so much that you express yourself so openly here. That is very brave of you – as well as the separation!
That is m.E. always the first step: leave the dynamic, come to rest and then slowly be able to "look at it from the outside". Give yourself time to heal and to work things out for yourself. Maybe you will also find a way to exchange with other sufferers or to look for – whatever – professional support. Both can be helpful and healing.

I send you warm greetings and wish you much strength!

Thank you so much Annika for writing back. It is a hard time for me…..I tell myself every minute you can do it….even if it is with tears. L.g.Silke

Dear Silke, have faith in yourself! You can be strong and you can make it!

I didn’t know until this weekend that there is even a name for my problems, Bos I finally opened up to my sister and she sent me this link, I am extremely desperate, I just woke up because my mother-in-law hanged herself, I didn’t realize the problems, but now everything is clear to me, she probably didn’t feel any different than I do and I don’t want to end up like this! I just hope I get this right with the separation!

first of all: my condolences for your mother-in-law!

I’m glad you opened up to your sister: This is the first important step. Maybe she (and others) can support you further!?

I wish you much strength on your way. Take good care of yourself, Annika

I’m Bine, he was the perfect man for me, everything felt so right. We moved in together after just under half a year. And then he started to show his true colors. At the moment I feel very bad and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am afraid of him and his reaction. I say already nothing more, so that he remains calm. Everything is prescribed to me, what I have to eat and to say, shower times, when I should go to sleep, I am always busy and must not be in a bad mood or look angry then there is even more trouble, etc, etc. All the time I am insulted and threatened. Twice he has scaled me. I must not decide anything alone. Everything I have to do and I am also always to blame for everything. He is not so bad with my child, but in my presence he talks badly about her. My friends are all stupid to him that’s why he hardly lets me go. Then he would have no control over me. My cell phone is taken away, contacts deleted, clothes cut, cosmetics taken away … He is not afraid to terrorize me at work so that I lose my job.
I am afraid of not being taken seriously when I talk to someone about it. "Just separate yourself" are so easy words but hard to implement against an extreme narcissist who also tends to violence. I will confide in my brother next week and hope that he will give me some strength again. That was a small excerpt from my current "life". Even though he makes me feel so small I know I am a great loving woman and also a good mother, even though I am currently putting my child through this "situation". I am neither stupid, dumb, can not do anything or am a bitch and what not everything.

Thank you for your courage to reveal yourself here. It’s certainly a good step to confide in your brother (and as many people as possible in general). There is no reason to be ashamed! Everybody can get into your situation.

And yes, you are right: "Separate" are really words that are easy to say from the outside. If it was that easy, you would have done it already. Fear can be very paralyzing.

Try to make yourself strong with everything you have at your disposal. Every day a little bit. Sometimes it can be helpful to look at your own biography and/or to go to a (women) counseling center (if his control allows it – otherwise you can use the phone or the PC) – I am sure there is one near you. Because it is also no disgrace not to get out of such a relationship alone!

I wish you strength, courage and much self-love,

Does the word "toxic relationships" only refer to a committed relationship between two people or can casual affairs also become toxic??

I have been in a casual affair/friendship plus for several months and I am suffering a lot. I find myself in very many points, like the fear of losing him puts me in a panic. I am often brooding, looking for the faults with me, give him a lot of appreciation. However, he often exceeds my already communicated limits, apologies are not forthcoming, on the contrary, I would be mostly to blame for our problems and as soon as my behavior displeases him, he becomes grumpy, bitchy and indirectly talks me through the expression of certain words a bad conscience. Days later his actions are then again dismissed as fun from his side.
Despite all this, I have not made the jump and suffer mentally (insomnia, no self-confidence anymore) as well as physically (weight loss).

Basically, any form of interpersonal relationship (whether it’s a couple, friendship, colleagues, affairs, etc.) can be very difficult.) be toxic or. get into a toxic dynamic!

If you notice that you continue to feel bad because you can’t make the jump you actually need, I would advise you to get some kind of support, e.g. a psychologist.B. in the form of forums, self-help groups, psychotherapy, counseling or coaching, to seek.

Much strength and all love, Annika.

I don’t really know if I’m in a toxic relationship, but what I do know is that I’m not happy in the relationship anymore (it hurts to write this down, but it’s just the truth, being happy was all I ever wanted). The reasons why I feel unhappy in the relationship would be: because we are constantly arguing, because he is hardly or almost not at all interested in my well-being, because he almost never spends time with our son and everything remains on me (he goes to work, but is often unemployed and not even there he has time to play with his son) he distrusts me but wants me to trust him. Even though he searches my phone I am never allowed to be near him when he is holding his phone. I am allowed to go out but only with my son and even then I am mistrusted. But he is allowed to go out at night with his boys whenever it suits him. And I must not ask too many questions otherwise it comes across as if I distrust him.
The reasons why we fight are absolute nonsense, here are a few examples: Before it was because I didn’t have dinner ready in time after he got home from work, the other day it was because I’m his wife, when we go on a trip I have to park his stuff for him and without him lifting a finger or talking to me I have to know what all he would like in his suitcase. There are just so many reasons where I would need a whole book to describe them.
My question is if this feels bad only to me and to you guys out there it all seems harmless and normal. You must know I have a non-existent self-confidence and it has always been like that, but with time it gets worse and worse, because he has to look at other women on top of that, whether on the internet or live. I already noticed this at our first meeting, but at that time he portrayed me as paranoid and yes today nothing has changed in this respect. And is it normal for him to watch porn, the most absurd thing is that he doesn’t want me to do anything with other guys, but if he could watch and be involved he would agree to it.

I would be very happy to receive an answer, because until now I have not dared to talk to jmd. to talk about it in a different way.

With kind regards!

first of all a big praise to you that you write here and "make yourself honest" in front of you and us. That is in any case already a first step in a better self-confidence.

The fact alone that you have massive doubts about yourself, your perception and your feelings shows that you should do something for yourself. You are the most important person in your life and if your relationship is not going well, you have a right to change it!

My tip is to confide in people around you. Maybe your family or if they do not offer themselves, then talk to friends. Maybe professional support in the form of therapy, counseling or coaching can help too.

Either way, don’t doubt your perception, but do something good for yourself and strengthen yourself.

Kind regards,

Your fantastic post absolutely sums up the problem of "toxic relationship" as I had to experience it myself. I dealt with the problem, which is also described as "gaslighting", for almost 1 1/2 years, and suffered from it until I finally managed to pull the rip cord.

In the meantime, I became so mentally ill due to feelings of guilt coupled with fear of loss that I could no longer work and even had to go to a day clinic. My relationship alone was certainly to blame, it was rather a cocktail of different crises, but the pathological relationship with my former partner threw me back again and again and prevented me from finding my identity again.

Only after further weeks I found in August this year finally the strength to separate and started quasi completely again with ZERO.

I lost good (platonic) friends that I had known for many years due to my ex-partner’s need to control and impose conditions on me. Clearly all boundaries had been crossed. But out of fear I do not fight back.

I can only advise every person who feels the same way to internalize this blog post and, if necessary, to seek further individual help. Because many do not come out alone.

Thank you very much for this comprehensive and informative article, Mr. Kotzsch! Great that you have managed to pull the ripcord! From my everyday counseling life I know that this is anything but easy! Hats off! I wish you all the best for your future journey! Best regards, Annika Felber

Hello dear ones,
Again begins a day that cost me a lot of strength ! And the only reason I get out of bed every day are my absolutely adorable boys. I have already tried the jump several times. But unfortunately it did not work out. Because I had no friends or family…..
But I tried to get out of the isolation a little bit…and that was my luck (even if it brought the conflicts at home to the top…I’m not only 24 hours for him now) because I met a person who has already managed to get out of a toxic relationship . And it feels so good to finally have the feeling again that I am worth getting help for,
I worth it that one cares for me. I have found someone standing at the bottom of the ravine to catch me when I am ready to jump….
But first I will stretch my feelers a bit more and to find even more safe rettunsringe that can support me on my way ..
And I am looking forward to a life afterwards .

Dear Lina, thank you for sharing your thoughts here and maybe encouraging others. I send you much strength! Kind regards, Annika

Hello Lina,
Your comment speaks from my soul. I have already written a post here and try again and again to get out of my relationship. The way of my partner will never get better, rather worse and worse. I already have some "life rings" in my environment but I am still not ready (not strong enough) for the jump. My daughter and I are also already looking forward to the life afterwards. Finally be happy again … without fear. WE WILL MAKE IT! Greetings from Bine

it is very hard for me to write about my current situation, but it is also good to see that I am not alone and that is why I am now summing up my courage and telling you my story. I have been in a relationship for 3 years, in the beginning like in every relationship everything was great and I had the rose-red glasses on. After a few weeks came the first quarrel, because my partner did not trust me and called me Schl****. He was of the opinion that I was a Schl**** because I had led a happy single life before him and had different sexual partners. I was blocked by him and could not reach him anymore, a few time later he unblocked me again and tried to contact me. He didn’t mean it… newly in love and happy that he wants me after all, I forgave him and everything was fine again. Exactly the same situation repeated itself over and over again… In my infatuation I do everything with it. Next he started to criticize my girlfriends, they are all sluts and I should not meet with one or the other girlfriend anymore, he even forced me to delete the numbers from my cell phone and partly he blocked friends… regularly the cell phone was rummaged through and checked. After approx. one year we decided to move in together, because he has already built a house. Moved in, settled in… at first everything was good but then the quarrels started again. The food has to be on the table on time, the laundry has to be washed and I’m not allowed to drink alcohol either, that’s not proper for women. Meeting with friends is no longer a thought, let alone inviting a friend to our home. To accompany me to visit my sister or mother, he also does not consider necessary. His parents live right next door and he sees them every day, building a good relationship with my family is apparently not necessary either. His friends come to visit us regularly in the evenings and they have a beer here and there….. more and more unhappy I decide to pack my things and move out of the house. I have made the jump, finally. But suddenly he stands in front of my mother’s door and asks me to come back, he will change and did not mean it all that way. This whole story repeated itself 3 times. 3 times moved out together with clothes and furniture, 3 times returned, because he always stands in front of the door and asks for forgiveness. He will change. The last time was at the beginning of the year… from now on everything seemed to go well. I was allowed to meet with a friend or work colleague from time to time, but the later it got, the more messages I received where I am, with whom I am and the distrust starts all over again. As soon as I was home, he starts acting normal again, but then the cell phone is checked again…. Contact with my family is still not maintained…. with 27 I have now a desire to have children, but for him everything was too much and he feels pressured … it always comes only statements like; everything in its time … still comes. Before ca. 3 weeks I got depressed and packed my things and went to my mother again. Now he has again stood in front of my mother’s door and I went back again…. I am just helpless at the moment. He knows about my depressions and wants to help me to get out of it, he is suddenly ready for everything.. Marriage, children … he motivates me daily to do sports and wants to help me out of my depression and suddenly he is so good to me. In my current state I am glad about every help and strength from the outside… and I also don’t manage to free myself from this relationship. In 2 weeks I have an appointment for an initial consultation with a psychotherapist. I hope that therapy will help me and that I will soon be able to see things more clearly and stand on my own two feet again.

Hello dear Lana,

thank you for having the courage to speak openly here about your relationship and your plight.
Experience shows that talking (or even writing) is always good in situations like yours.
Great that you have sought a conversation with a psychotheraoeuten! I find that very brave and I wish you from the bottom of my heart that you (again) find a way to yourself, your needs and an autonomous life.

All love and much strength sends you,

Hello. My name is Sandra and I am 6 years old. month pregnant by a man who has narcissistic traits and with whom I have been in a relationship for over a year. I do not manage to get away from him. Every time he lovingly came back to me after a breakup or contact interruption, he told me he would change, I believed it and got involved again.
I only wished for a family life and I thought he would change. Especially now because of the baby.
But only he counts.
Only him, his work (he is self-employed) and his status quo. His money and possessions. I fell in love with him when I didn’t know about all this yet. And yes, I always think back to the good times.
The problem was also that he was still in a relationship when we met and fell in love. It took him a long time to separate. Because his ex worked with in your company and she did important tasks in the office there.
He always acted the way it suited him at the time. Without regard for my feelings or my worries and fears.
I have now separated again, because not only that he leaves me alone during pregnancy is a torture for me, but also his behavior towards me.
I am very sensitive and he just didn’t stop putting me down. Although in pain in my stomach I did his work privately and professionally.
I already have a daughter from a previous relationship. She is 9. And she has witnessed how he dealt with me.
I cried and felt smaller and smaller.
When I rebelled, ended it and left with my daughter, it was a liberating feeling.
Fortunately I still have my own apartment.
Here I feel safe and comfortable.
The paradox is: I still love him and I am afraid to let him go or leave him.
But my gut feeling that I have always repressed has not given me a good feeling from the beginning as it says here in the post.
But I tried and I fought, because I thought I could fulfill it. The desire of a family life.
Your Sandra

I am sorry that you have to suffer like this during your pregnancy. You probably know it yourself: It is now very important that you take good care of yourself and the baby. Get all the help you can get (friends, family, sharing with people who have experienced similar things, possibly professional support) and if possible try to make yourself "big" and autonomous again. Maybe the work with the inner child can also help and/or a look into one’s own biography.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best on your journey. Take good care of yourself.

Annika felber

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years and we have been living together for 6 years as well. since 4 years we also have a small old house together in the countryside that needs a lot of renovation. – In the beginning I was showered with a lot of love. I had the feeling that I had never been loved like this before. We were together a lot from the beginning. Almost every day. But I still had my friends and hobbies. The first weeks/months were hard for me. On the one hand I was in the "rush" of falling in love, on the other hand I had to decide whether to stay with him and forego my desire to have children or decide to have my child. Since I felt this love as a gift, I chose my friend. – It was never easy. We are 13 years apart, he is an artist/freethinker, I am also artistic, but also a bit bourgeois, in need of security, planners. Opposites attract. – When I moved in with him it was a big struggle to get the feeling to arrive, to get my place. Together joyfully deciding and thinking about things with fun, rather not. Once an acquaintance came to visit me and said "you will never get your feet on the ground here". This sentence has burned itself into my mind, even if I perhaps only understand it today. With the acquisition of the old cottage in the country, the difficulties increased. "You always want to plan and determine everything. You destroy me and my spontaneity. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore". My approach was: joint project, joint thinking, joint decisions, but also learning to compromise. The cottage is small, our apartment is small, he is unemployed, mostly just lying on the sofa or goes fishing and you sit around on each other quite often already. This crushes me. And we are together almost every day. Sometimes I manage to create space for myself inside and not think about this common narrowness, actually I wish for togetherness and closeness, but also cooking together usually ended in quarrels, because he always wanted to determine everything there, too. Maybe I am too unrealistic. The friend is not the friend with whom one likes to cook/tinker/talk something together. – With the time I noticed more and more, but maybe only now really, that he started to freak out and hit on me for inexplicable reasons. He comes home and I haven’t done the dishes yet, he freaks out, he comes home, we want to leave and I just get out of the shower, but he also has to take a shower and freaks out completely. I tell him that is but my shower soap and not handwashing soap, and he freaks out. … Of course my tone has changed over the years and I also get impatient and sometimes unfriendly, but with him the most unbelievable insults hail and he also says things like "if you were a guy, I would have punched you in the face long ago"."When I ask him why he is like this, I am of course guilty because I hit on him and then he says he has every right to verbally hit back. – I’m starting to feel like I’m waking up. I unfortunately have a father who also had constant outbursts. When you were a kid you always tried to do everything right so that no scolding would follow. And in this fearful attitude I am now again. – I keep thinking about separating. Because it is a constant struggle. Everyone wants to have recognition and understanding somehow, but no one can convey it to the other in a benevolent and good communicative way. He almost never apologizes. He says, that brings nothing. "You can forget your apology."This morning he says he doesn’t want these constant quarrels and he doesn’t know his behavior like that. But it is very rare that I get the feeling from him that he thinks that he is also involved in this situation. We went to couples counseling once, but we were rejected. I did not really understand why. In the center of the conversation was that my friend has a good girlfriend, he met her during my time, but he does not introduce her to me. "I want to have something for myself too. You have always interfered everywhere. You want to control everything. And besides, I’ve already told her a lot about you and she doesn’t want to get to know you at all."I tried again and again to understand his need to control everything. Everyone needs other friends too, that’s not an issue at all. I also believe that there is nothing there, but it always hurts me so much to see that he excludes me and does not meet me and my need. –Affection–. I don’t get any understanding from him for my feeling. And then I feel like the stupid little jealous girlfriend. – Why don’t I leave him?I think it’s been a year now that my feelings are pretty extreme. There are phases when it is sometimes better and one is so firmly tied into this rhythm 3 days in the city, 4 days in the country. And the "being in the country" was such a big promise, such a big hope for something nice/together. A little paradise. But it is no longer. I rarely come back without a demoralizing feeling. At the moment I keep withdrawing and staying alone in the city to calm down. I feel as if I am betraying my relationship. I don’t feel happy, but sometimes I’m not sure anymore if that’s not a keynote of mine too. – But I also see what I allow and what I do to myself. Although I only wanted to love and have a nice peaceful life with someone. What he himself always emphasizes as his desire. He accuses me of always throwing him into these roller coasters of feelings. "Why don’t you start?!"Sometimes I don’t know anymore how I really am. Sure, I can be direct and sometimes a bit snippy and bitchy. What I find so irritating is that someone who is so insensitive to me is so hyper-sensitive when it comes to him. When he puts on a radio play again before going to bed and I say slightly annoyed, does it have to be again, he says "tomorrow I’ll be away, then you can’t listen to a radio play there"."I am then annoyed and say something like "I never achieve what I want". That was certainly not the best communication, but in the end I am in his eyes again the one who has destroyed the evening. And I can’t judge myself afterwards, whether I was so violent now that he has to start a huge discussion again. I feel like crying. And sometimes he says "maybe that’s because you’re going through menopause now". You were not like this before."

— That was a lot and I could go on and on. Maybe this alone will help you to get a little further in your head and in your feelings. Sometimes I don’t even want to call my friends anymore, because all I really want to do is whine and cry and feel sorry for myself? — It was a promise from the beginning that he would be there and that he would not leave so easily, but how should you feel when someone constantly says in a quarrel, let’s separate, we just have to see how we can divide everything. And shortly after or 2 days later everything starts again from the beginning without apology/clarification. But I sometimes look at apartments. Although in other places I want to fight for the relationship again. But can one make with so 2 humans still what with talk therapy and communication assistance? The one therapist from the couple counseling said, with you it would be only cosmetics, I can not help them, do not accept their order. And to me it was about listening to each other again, being respectful and learning to communicate well with each other. And it represents my friend in such a way that his order is "Make that my friend does not control me so". (Where does control start? Where is she normal? What is too much?) But I do not know if I still have the strength to do so. And if, then still the problem remains, that I make gladly my work and my friend is dearest "lazy" and one does not have the feeling, which he has for something correctly interest, after something strives. But he also does that free from our "society pressure".

Thank you for reading. Probably you can see the madness much better than I can, but maybe I am overlooking my mistakes. I know I too make mistakes and have made mistakes What if you don’t trust the other person when they have these secrets? Snooping is actually no-go and abuse of trust and everything you find, if it is not clear, can be misinterpreted. When is the stomach feeling no longer correctly steered? But I know every time I had a weird feeling before too, I could trust the weird feeling …

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