Early miscarriage: “you weren’t really pregnant”

Early miscarriage: "You weren’t really pregnant after all"

Four pregnancies, one child

When my 5-year-old daughter Lili* asks why she’s not having a sibling, I quickly deflect and say something like, "Oh, it’s not that simple. But we are so happy to have you".

Luckily she didn’t ask further. Someday I will tell her that I have been pregnant four times and lost three children.

I always wanted two children. My husband and I tried unsuccessfully for a long time to get pregnant. In 2010 we decided to have infertility treatment, the first time the egg nested, but after a few days I started bleeding.

I stayed cool, hoping for the next treatment. This time we had more luck, at the first examinations everything was good. My husband and I were so happy that we told everyone. Many reacted reservedly. You can’t be happy so soon, it often goes wrong, they thought. And they were right.

"I just wanted to be with my child, preferably dead," she said

We celebrated the best Christmas ever, made first plans as parents-to-be, thought of names for our baby. But in the 7th week. In the first week, shortly after New Year’s Eve, the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. Two days later was the curettage.

I fell into a deep depression, just lying in bed, just wanting to be with my child, preferably dead too. I got stuck in, deleted all my contacts on Facebook, didn’t want to see any more baby bump postings.

My husband had finished with it after a few weeks. I went to a therapist, we had couple talks with them too, but it still wasn’t easy to accept that we were grieving so differently.

Over the next few months I slowly learned to live again. What helped me most was a support group for parents of star children, where I felt taken seriously in my grief.

I looked for new tasks, quit my unloved job, started my own business, built our vacation home.

In the fall we made the third attempt, this time it went well, but I was scared for months. Only in the 36th week. In the first week of pregnancy I dared to buy baby clothes. Lilli was born in July 2012, finally we were happy!

Then I had another early miscarriage

Two years followed filled to the brim with peace, joy, pancakes. Just when we were thinking about another infertility treatment, life intervened. My husband’s parents died within a year, we had a lot of stress at work, and my husband was afraid that I would fall into another deep depression if it didn’t work out again. So we put off the decision forever.

In May 2016 I was suddenly pregnant unexpectedly, without infertility treatment. I was very happy right away, my husband had to digest it first. And then I got pregnant in the 8th week. I started bleeding in the seventh week and had a natural miscarriage.

We had not told anyone this time, not even our daughter. "Mom, your belly is big, are you having a baby??", asked them a few days after I had lost it, in the evening in the bathroom. I quickly went out so she didn’t see my tears. It was incredibly hard to be sad all by myself. I wanted to scream out loud, but I swallowed the pain.

The wish for a second child will remain

The gynecologist wanted to comfort me: "Next time we will support it with hormones", she said. I could have saved my child if I had known?

The info only made me sadder. Because there won’t be a next time. So many years have passed, my husband does not want another child now. Last year in summer he sold the stroller and car seat, and I gave six boxes of kids clothes with a heavy heart.

The last eggs for another treatment are still frozen, and the bill for them arrives every year in the fall. I should actually give notice there, but this writing will be the hardest of my life.

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