Reader question from julia: how do you deal with jealousy of the man?

Reader question from julia: how do you deal with jealousy of the man?

"My name is Julia, I am since half a year with child Nr. 2 at home. Our big son is three and goes to daycare. Before I became a mother, I worked as a peronaler. I didn’t have a mega career, but I had a great job and dear colleagues.

The deal between my husband and me was and is that I stay at home for two years so that we don’t have to have the kids looked after by others too soon. But now I realize: I’m not so happy with the situation. Because I develop envy of my husband – which is really embarrassing for me.

I’m jealous that he has lunch dates with colleagues. That he can sleep in the hotel during business trips. That he is invited to Christmas parties. That he gets confirmation through his job.

Yes, I know that sounds terribly childish. And it gets worse: I envy him that he has a reason to dress well in the morning.

I feel so housemotherly, so "useless", although I know that the contribution I make is important. I’m raising the kids, providing a home, taking care of whatever comes up. And yet I long for more. After coming out. After not only being a mother.

My husband is really great and he always says how proud he is of me. But I realize how my strange mood is straining our relationship.

Who has a good tip for me? Should I start working again earlier? But wouldn’t that be insanely selfish towards my little child?"

Katharina Nachtsheim

Katharina Nachtsheim has been working as a journalist for 15 years, focusing on family and social issues. She has three children and lives in Berlin.

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13 comments

Hello Julia, it’s good and
Hello Julia, it is good and important that you perceive your needs. If you think about how you can fulfill them, that means that
you take responsibility for your life.
This Versntwortung should remain with you parents. If you stay home "for your child", you transfer the responsibility for your happiness to your child.
For children, it’s HOW that matters, the quality of a relationship. Whether you spend 20 or 24 hours together is not unimportant.
For your child it can be an enrichment to be together with other children. For example with a childminder he will see and experience things he misses when he is "only with mom.
Take responsibility for yourself and take good care of yourself. Be a role model.

Correction to my text&
…how these can be fulfilled…
It is NOT IMPORTANT, in the sense of subordinate, whether you spend 20 or 24 hours together

I can fully share these feelings
I can fully understand these feelings. And that already, in the 30. SSW. In my job as a flight attendant, the only option is to go from 180 to zero. As soon as you know you’re pregnant, you get to stay home. Of course, that’s great if you suffer from the usual problems and it’s wonderful if you have a great social environment. But it is a real ordeal when you have just moved and then have no one to have coffee with. My husband is away for work 3 days a week and hangs out with colleagues in the evenings and enjoys his sushi and wine. And what about me? I brood. I like to brood and with devotion and I am infinitely looking forward to our little one, but I also envy him and envy my colleagues in the most beautiful places in the world. It helps me when I see other pregnant women continue in their jobs and experience how exhausting it is and see how lucky I am. Nevertheless, this home happiness also holds fears, I perceive every fart of the baby and worry my head. Professionally pregnant, my environment ridicules me and so am I. The first months were very unpleasant for me and I hope it will be better when the baby is born. It helps us or me when we go out to eat and meet a lot with friends or invite them over.
Warm greetings from the north

Sad ..
…nobody thinks about the child..

Of course, as a "stay at home" mummy you have to take a back seat, no question about it.
But this is only temporary..
If the little ones could already speak and you would ask them who they would most like to be looked after by, I think the answer would be clear..
Today it is only about thinking about yourself, the ego comes first. Even at the expense of our loved ones…

To renounce a few years on some comforts is already too much demanded..
Most people forget how well we are doing. As a housewife to find reason to complain, you can only if you have not yet looked beyond your own nose, forget the rest of the world or let alone seen it with their own eyes … only then you start to complain on such a high level.
Sorry, but I personally find it ridiculous.
We should value life, health and family more again.

I know this…
Hello Julia,
I remember well how in the beginning I also had real difficulties with being at home. I missed the social contact that comes naturally with work colleagues. I did not know what to do with myself. But it got much better when my little one got bigger, he became mobile and I started to enjoy the time with him at home. Because I began to understand, it is a unique chance to spend so much time with him, to watch him, not to have any pressure. I hope you will still feel this way.
Regular contacts with others during the day and simply in the evening what without child, only for you have also helped very much. ( even if it was only one hour of sport ).

I know..
…well, your problem! The ceiling fell on my head quickly, and my little one is only 6 months old :).
It helped me to think about exactly what it is that bothers me, is it the lack of income, the contact with non-moms, the lack of spending time with friends, etc.?? I now often turn up at my work and go out for lunch, plus we have split evenings strictly, 3 evenings I have off and can go to sport or the cinema. This gives me the space to look at my husband when he is at the end of his energy and to look for him and relieve him. When the little one is 9 months old, I’ll go back to work full time and my husband will stay at home full time, I’m very excited about how that will be, the change of personality will be a real eye opener for us! And knowing that I am going back to work, I find it very nice at home and even like to do the housework, which was impossible for me before :D.
I keep my fingers crossed that you can become more satisfied with small changes!

Totally understandable
Hello Julia,

I can understand you very well. Am just pregnant with child two, with the first I was 11 months at home, then with only 25, now 29 hours back on again. And now after 14 months of work, the next parental leave is imminent. Sure, I have enjoyed the time at home, but I honestly also enjoy my life as a working mother very much. Reading the newspaper in the morning on the train, having lunch with colleagues (it’s not about children – it feels so good), etc. I had my personal low point when, after 8 months at home on the balcony in the evening, I thought for half an hour about whether I should cook carrot porridge or parsnip porridge for the next day. I look forward to another year at home with very mixed feelings and do not want to stay at home longer than one year. ( of course only if kind two healthy, etc.)
What helps me: zero bad conscience, for the daycare our child is in. Even when I pick her up, I don’t have the feeling that I have to compensate with special quality time because she was looked after by others during the day. Many of my friends feel differently and therefore tend to do without "themselves", while I am more selfish and take my husband in a lot and still treat myself to evenings at the theater, or go swimming alone on the weekends, etc.).

Simply memschlich
Hi Julia, I can understand your feelings very well and I don’t find them a bit childish but just honest and human. The most important thing is that you are satisfied, your family has the most of it. I am in a similar situation and I have found a solution for myself that I work 1 morning/week. work. Here our help, who also cleans once a wo, takes care of them. This works out wonderfully and you can also take advantage of Elterngeld Plus… Whatever you decide – all the best!

Enjoy it
Hello, my children are 2.5 years apart, I was working between the two exactly 12 months, then the second parental leave I could enjoy even more, because I also already knew how much I could miss my little son during the day, how much I missed him just a few days even with a cold at home to leave, spontaneously spend the whole day at the lake, go in the morning to the Christmas market … The time when you are at home will not come back so quickly… Maybe the contact to your colleagues and regular time-outs from the children’s everyday life will help to calm your feelings..!

My tip: talk to your
My tip: talk to your husband! And find a compromise, how you can share your work and child care. It doesn’t necessarily have to be 50:50; there are a lot of possibilities!!
Good luck!
LG from Anni.

Take yourself seriously
The feelings you describe are not childish at all. I know more women who are like you than women who like being a housewife. Personally, if I’m honest, I don’t know any housewives.
I was home for a year and did well – but a year is also more predictable than 2. Now I work full time, until 6 months ago only 20 h/week. My husband likewise full time , we have help from family, it’s stressful and yet now I sometimes wonder how I endured being at home for a year. In these moments I am proud that I did this for my daughter and that even quite well. Nevertheless I would be unhappy to be still at home, I love my work, all the advantages your husband has, I have too. You deserve it just as much – deal or no deal.
In your place I would try to hold out until the little one is 10 months old. For the simple reason that a nursery acclimation at 10 months is not super unusual and in any case doable. If.it is possible for you to do first 30-35 h and pieces later if you want to. A guilty conscience is not necessary, you have done everything possible up to your limits and your little one will certainly not suffer in the day care center. An annoyed mom is no better than a good educator&

I understand you
Hello,

I can completely understand your situation. Although I didn’t have a job before our first child, I was studying, but I could still imagine staying at home and wanted to make it dependent on the child whether I continued studying right away or not. However, after only a few weeks, I realized that it was not good for me to just be at home. I too was envious of my husband who often sleeps out due to work, has a lot of fun at his job and like your husband has a reason to dress fancy and socialize. This may sound trivial to others, but I was jealous of it too. Before it put a strain on our relationship, we found a way that I was fine and then our child was fine too. I started to study again and gave our daughter to outside care for a few hours sooner than intended. After all, the most important thing is that you are well, because an unhappy mommy may not do your children so well either. In short, I understand you and wish you to find a way that makes you happy without remorse.

Totally understandable
Dear Julia,

I know these feelings. Do not be ashamed of it, it is quite normal. You miss your work, you are under- and overburdened at the same time and envy your husband for his freedom. Because in the end it is exactly this that consumes the first years so much: this feeling of being outside (and really only very few men know this) and at the same time not wanting to/not being able to let go. For us it was a similar situation, the solution was like this: I went back to work 10 months after child 2 for one day a week (you can imagine how I was looking forward to it!). In the morning a good friend was with the child for a few hours, in the afternoon the husband was with the child. Was wonderful- for all and quite a while until the child came to the Kita. Love and everything is possible!

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